I'm Ron and I work at the Large Hadron Collider. Well, that should be the past tense actually. I USED to work there. Why don't I work there anymore you ask? Well I have that sweet and delicious Neutron Energy drink to blame.

You see, we weren't allowed to go out much. Long hours, 80+ hours a week. It was rough. Anyways, to keep us alert they put in an energy drink vending machine. Sure it had the standard Amp, Red Bull, Rockstar, etc... The bosses thought they were so clever when they found this Neutron Energy drink and put it in there. My favorite was the citrus. It has a really delicious orange taste to it, almost a tangerine if you will. I'm getting off topic, sorry.

So one day I'm checking the gauges to make sure everything is running smoothly. I was in the middle of a 16-hour shift so I started to doze a little while I was standing up. Olaf saw this and asked if I wanted an energy drink. After accepting his offer, he throws it to me from 30 feet away. Now on a good day, I can catch a fly ball in right field. Unfortunately this was not a good day due to my lack of sleep. My attempts to catch it only made its trajectory worse. Looking back, I should have just stepped out of the way. If I had done that, the can wouldn't have ended up in the air intake valve causing a 15-hour shut down.

I tried to blame Olaf, but the security video just shows me knocking a can into the multi-billion dollar machine. I'm actually lucky I only got fired. They probably could have sued me. You know what the best part is? The engineer who fixed it is a friend of mine gave me the can. It's pretty badly mangled, but I have it on my mantle now. It reminds me of a better time, a time when I wasn't bagging groceries at Safeway.

Here's another treat from Editor Dan. That lucky so-and-so went up to Toronto to see Portishead. I was poor at the time tickets went on sale, and I missed out on my opportunity. Whenever I hear Portishead I think of a French club. It's dark, smoky and everything is slightly illuminated red. Portishead is playing over the PA and everyone is just getting down and slowly grinding on each other. During this scene in my head everyone is smoking for some reason. It's a very specific vision, and I think it's hysterical. It's also hysterical that Portishead would lead into a review for this drink, because the only way this drink would seem more inappropriate in that scene is if it came in juice boxes. This drink pretty much embodies the concept of fun. Portishead is not fun. They are wonderful, dark, mysterious and sexy, but they are not fun. This is a sugary sweet mango drink that taste way more like the juice you would lick from your fingers when trying to open a mango without the proper utensils than you would expect from a drink that comes in such packaging. Also, it has little cubed bits of nada de coco, which makes the drink even more fun. I love it when appropriate drinks have nada de coco in them. In this it's like there are tiny bits (of hardened) mango in it. I love trying to chew on them.

No you shouldn't drink this while listening to trip hop. I think some ska punk would be more up to speed. Less Than Jake I'm looking in your direction.

When I feel myself getting sick, like if I wake up with a sore throat, cough, or the like, I have two "Go-To" fixes. One is to buy a small carton of orange juice and slam it in one day, spinning my body into a scurvy-free, urinating ball of vitamin C. The other one, which I use less, is to drink Gatorade. Any flavor would have been better than this, though, because it's rank, and no, not like The Smith's record.

Oh this is lime, but it's got a certain...undesirable viscosity. It is from the carbo-loading qualities of the "02 Perform" line. If I were training for a marathon and wanted to skip on my eleventh spaghetti and potato meal of the day, I would slam this as fast as my gullet would approve because even then, I wouldn't want it. I guess as far as carb drinks go, this is pretty good as it actually tastes like lime and your mouth is already used to the thickness of it. For people like me who don't work out and just skip meals while blaming it on my kid taking up all my time but really it's because a Subway foot-long sub the way I like it is upwards of the worst thing one can eat, I just want a simple Gatorade. This loses the superior drinkability that I like about Gatorade. Taste-wise though; consider the mark missed.

File this under the list of drinks that kids love to buy just because of the name. See also Fukola, Cocaine and Not See Kola. I'm sure this drink is "banned" from high schools all over the country. I don't think it should be banned because of the name, but the taste. I really liked the original version of this, but this sugar free variety is gross. I have been drinking a lot of diet drinks lately, and this is one of the worst I've had in a while.

Jimmy, I thought you said you were going to help me make some cookies. If you want to eat them you're going to help making them. No you can't just wash the dishes afterwards. You said you would do that last time, and when I went to put the dishes in the drying rack away, everything was covered in dough. Jimmy, you're a terrible dish washer. It's a good thing you're smart, because a career in the restaurant business would be short lived for you. Just crack those eggs in that bowl. Jesus, don't just throw the eggs in the bowl! Crack them on the side and drop the insides into the bowl. You don't want the shell in there. I mean who wants crunchy parts in their cookies? You know what? Just get the vanilla extract down from the cupboard.

What are you doing?!?!? Don't drink that! That's disgusting! How are you not vomiting from that? So gross! What? It tastes like that vanilla cream soda you got down at the store? What kind of pop are you drinking? Langers? Remind me to stay away from that. I like cream soda as much as the next mom, but it really shouldn't taste like slightly watered down vanilla extract. That is for cookies and the occasional coffee cake.

When I was working at Fun Fun Fun Fest, someone came up to me and asked if I wanted a B12 shot. I said sure and followed them to the production trailer. When we got inside, I saw a doctor pulling needles out of a bag. When they said B12 shot, I thought they meant a drink like this. I hate needles so I opted out and went back to work.

Going in, I wasn't crazy about this flavor. I love pomegranate but HATE acai with a passion. I think it's one of the grossest tastes ever. That being said, this isn't as bad as I feared. It still has that gross flavor, but the pomegranate helps. It's not the most intense energy shot I've ever had, but that's probably because it's meant to be a vitamin shot, and the energy is just a secondary feature.

Ehhhhhhh. Unmoved. Taste is mediocre. It's got a decent lemonade sting, but the raspberry is in the background, like a kid at a play who isn't good but you can't not like him because he looks so cute dressed up like a little cow. Sure he can't sing or dance, but that's not the point. This bad play of a drink keeps you in your seat because it's not bad enough to leave, but it's not good enough to go back for a second night. It starts out alright, like if this first grade play had fireworks or motorcycle jumps as an intro, but then ruins itself, like if the star kid, whom you know is a brat, forgets her lines and cries and runs off stage until the teacher tells her the lines and makes her go back on stage.

Sometimes there are sodas that you take for granted simply because they are readily available. You forget that they are semi-regional and that not everyone is lucky enough to have them at local gas stations. Boylan's is one of those companies for me. I see it all the time, and never think twice. They actually make quality soda that is sweetened with cane sugar. I'm sure it's the same with people in North Carolina who have Cheerwine everywhere. People up here would kill for it, well if they knew what it was.

This is a great little ginger ale here. Unlike the ginger ale that most people are used to this actually is made with ginger and not chemicals and artificial garbage. It has a little lemon and lime thrown into the mix, which mellows it out a bit. I am a ginger fiend (pickled ginger goes on nearly everything I eat, and I absolutely love a good ginger beer) and I have to say you can really tell the difference when ginger is one of the ingredients. It makes the drink taste less like bubbly sugar water and more like an old fashioned tonic of some sort. It's still sweet, but it has layers of flavor and not just one straight taste the whole way through. It is also a fact that I have discovered that every single one of those flavor layers is delicious. I also just found out through our dear friend Wikipedia that "Pale" or "Dry" ginger ale means that it has less of a ginger kick, or burn. Well that makes sense. I approve and so should you.

Blackberry and blueberry? Is there a line that I can draw a giant, red "x" on because I want it. Oh, I can simply pay a little more than $2 and buy it? I suppose that is just as easy. Mix in water? Childs play. No problem. I can mix stuff and remember not to breath while the deadly fruit dust occupies my nasal cavities.

Oh...hold on a second here. What went wrong? Sixteen ounces of water, check. Mix, check. Mixed, check. Clean glass? Check. What's the deal? It smells great. Inviting. I keep going back for more but why? It has a bit of a bitter taste to it. It tastes like water first, or just wildly weak juice, which is strange, then like a sucralose taste, even those there aren't any unnatural sweeteners. I'm counting Stevia as a natural sweetener here, folks. It's almost bitter and it is not until the end when you get a woosh of fruit and cool Stevia sweetness. Yes, the final battle is worth coming back for more and I have almost finished my entire glass, but at what cost?

If you are down with diet drinks, this will be an easy fight for you. If you, like me, saw a naturally diet drink mix that comes in delicious flavors and think that you are on to something, you are only half right.

I can safely say this is the first energy drink from Austria I've ever had. My friend Rita brought it back from her travels and gifted it to me. I could tell before I even opened it that it was going to be a Red Bull clone. Was I right? Of course! As far as Red Bull wannabe's, this one leans on the better side, but still not as good as Red Bull.

I expected more from you Austria.

At first glance I thought this was a weight loss drink. Then I read the bottle and realize that it was a focus drink. Speaking of the bottle, I love this bottle. It's one of those aluminum bottles and it has a nice matte finish to it. It makes holding it quite enjoyable.

Okay enough nerdy bottle talk, let's get into the guts of this. I love focus drinks, my favorite being Brain Toniq. I am a soda/coffee/energy drink fiend so it's nice to find alternative ways to stay focused and awake during the day. I'm half way through this bottle and I can already tell this works. I feel much more alert and awake, and ready to continue building this website as soon as I'm done writing this review.

As far as taste goes, it's good but not mind blowing. It's a lightly carbonated orange/tangerine drink. It's not as thick as orange soda, but kind of reminds me of a light Italian soda. I'd be really interested in trying other flavors they have available.

It's an important day. You need to be at the top of your game. You need a drink that will not only refresh you but also boost your focus, energy and stamina. There is going to be a lot of battling going on and there is a good chance things could get brutal. Lucky for you that O.N.E. has released an active line of their coconut water. It's fruity, sweet and tastes decent. You know you have a decent drink on your hand when you drink have a carton, and then you are shocked to discover that it is sweetened with stevia. Now that I know I can taste it, but I never would have guessed before I read it. Cranberry and grapefruit make a great team. Other companies should really pick them for their hypothetical touch football teams.

Now I know what you're thinking; how did the big day pan out? More importantly, what did the big day entail? Well I will tell you, the big day was going with my friend so that he could go to adopt a cat. Seems dumb right? Why would anyone need any of the skills I mentioned just to go to a car adoption center? The answer is that I have a problem with cats. I fall in love with every cat that I see and I want to bring them all home and live in a house with a million cats that will follow me around everywhere. Yes I am crazy, but I also understand the disgusting aspect of that. I don't want to smell like a million cats. We went in, hung out with a bunch of cats. I fell in love at every turn. Specifically a huge fat cat named Pauly took a firm grip of my heart. I was inches from adopting him. The lady even tried to give him to me for free. He is eight years old and has a deviated septum so he makes the worlds most hilarious noises. I stood strong though and remembered how needy my cat Manny is and how she would hate me if she had to compete for my attention more. I sadly left Pauly and about 40 other cats behind. My friend, he got an adorable little kitty with a mustache that is now named Natas (so very nearly called Patricia Aracat).

Thank you O.N.E. for helping me keep my head, and therefore keep my household down to two humans and two felines.

This drink...was...hilarious. Short and sweet. When you have to prep yourself to drink something, or retrain yourself not to die, that's something special. Before I took a sip of this I nearly expired. I went in to smell it and the vapors and fizzies went in my nose and burned and tickled me so much that I coughed and sneezed for a solid minute. I went in for a sip and out of instinct, breathed in to, you know, get the drink in my mouth and those same pesky vapors and fizzies went inside of me, hilariously burning all the way down. Cough. Cough. Sneeze. Sneeze.

Taste? It tastes exactly like how you want it to taste like. Carbonated Fireball candies. It is a bit syrupy and between the viscosity and the constant punishment I took from drinking it, I couldn't finish the whole bottle, but I killed a good three quarters of it.

If you ever see this and like cinnamon candies, whether it be Fireballs, those Valentine's cinnamon hearts, cinnamon ice cream, Big Red gum, or anything else candy cinnamon flavored, get this. You will if you don't react to death, you will have a great pop on your hands. I'm serious, every sip went down as harsh as the last and you had to reprogram yourself to not breath in with your nose or mouth when you took a swig. Ugh, so much fun. Thank you, So Duh! I hope someone can find me a bottle of their Liquid Ice because I might actually be fine dying to one of these drinks.

Hey seltzer heads! Yeah, you guys! I've got something for you. It's in the trunk of my car. Yeah, it is legal. Just because a man has a pallet filled with a random assortment of drinks in the back of his windowless van doesn't mean they fell off a truck or anything. Maybe a man just likes to spread the word about sparkling drinks once in a while. Who I am is not of any importance to you, ma'am. My license places? They fell off the van so don't worry about it.

Coconut? Yeah, I've got it. It's right here. Made by a company called La Croix. I guess they are some fancy French company or something. Michigan? Well, ma'am, sorry about shutting you up earlier. Yeah, I guess these guys here are from America. I thought we hated the French. Taste? Oh, now you all want free samples? One can. One can between the...twenty-one...twenty-two...twenty-three of you. Here. One can. No more. Good right? Coconut-y, right? Unsweetened, right? Yes? Right? How many pallets can I put you down for? One? I drove all the way out here from None Of Your Business-burg for one pallet? Fair enough. You've got me. That will be $674.99. Yeah, and ninety-nine cents. I've got to make ends meet too, lady.

Things that should be weird to read on a beverages bottle, but that get me excited include "Real Fruit & Flowers." Obviously everyone wants real fruit in their drinks. Is there a single person roaming this Earth that prefers artificial fruit flavoring to actual fruit? If there is I'd like to give them my condolences for having the worst taste buds ever. Real flowers? That is just weird, yet exciting. I have grown to love slightly floral drinks during my tenure here at Thirsty Dudes. Two years ago if I drank this I would probably think it was garbage, but my tastes have been refined and I do enjoy it. It is a bit too floral though. It may be the pu-erh tea though. I just discovered that it's a post fermentation tea. I'm not positive what that means, but I think that mixed with the flowers pushes this a bit too far into the "I just ate something off of a plant at the botanical gardens" region.

The tea is very lightly sweetened, and it has some passionfruit juice in it to give it a little extra flavor. It's there, but a bit hidden under the flowers. The more I get the stronger the flower taste becomes. Now that I'm at the bottom fifth it's kind of out of control and I'm not longer a fan. When I started this I would have given it four bottles. By the end I would give it two bottles. I'll just even it out and call it a solid three.

So it's finally 2012. According to the Mayans it's the beginning of the end. Their highly accurate calendar ends on December 21, 2012. I for one say so be it. The end of the world has to be more exciting than most anything else this world has to offer. Have you ever seen disaster movies? There's never a dull moment. I'm rooting for earthquakes and tidal waves. A new ice age would be terrible. Who wants to be cold, even in death? I'm not saying one way or another if it's true, or if I really care either way. The Thirsty Dudes way is the path of apathy. Funnyman John Hodgman claims to have seen a Mayan calendar and it's secret is that it is full of sexy Mayan firemen. I wonder if those same firemen will usher in the impending apocalypse.

At the beginning of the possible end the only thing to do is to celebrate. I did so by DJing a party at Buffalo's finest dive bar, Mohawk Place. While a majority of the clientele were numbing themselves with beer and liquor, I was filling my bladder with sweet, sweet sparkling apple cider. I half expected it to be gross as I purchased it at a markdown store for a single dollar. Sometimes wonderful things come at a minimum price. This was a quality apple cider that actually tasted like cider and not just apple juice. Naturally sweet. Naturally delicious. This is the kind of sparkling cider we should use to shower the firemen when the end is neigh.

Mark always thought that the life of a magician would be all glamour and no gutter. It had been his dream for as long as he could remember to wow crowds with his illusions. It was in his 47th year that his wife left him for the clown that had been the entertainment at their daughter's communion party. He had wondered if a clown would be appropriate for a day full of religion, but since he himself had no savior, he brushed it off. Turns out his wife had seen him at a coworker's son's birthday party and just wanted to rock the sheets with this white-faced wonder. After she left and he was alone, he knew it was time for a change. He left his medical practice and went to magic school. No not Hogwarts, that isn't even a real place. Don't you know the difference between fantasy and reality? He went to The Montana Institute of Magic and Illusion. He worked his butt off and graduated first in his class. He had nothing but positive thoughts about it all, that was until he was actually in the working world. There is very little glamour in being a magician these days. You worked long hours for unappreciative audiences, and the pay was next to nothing. Luckily he had a nice nest egg, so he decided to stick with it. It was after about six months of working 18 hour days that he was a broken man. His true love magic had worn him out to the point where he couldn't get through a show without downing a huge energy drink. Not only was this expensive, but he found that all of his special compartments in his props were getting filled up with cans for later on in the day. That is when he remembered his medical knowledge and he created Hijinks. It was essentially concentrated energy (namely taurine, caffeine, inositol, glucuronolactone, and l-carnitine). The only problem was that when he drank a little of it on its own it tasted absolutely horrible. It was like someone added a little bit of sweetener to weed killer. He then decided to package it in small bottles, and all he had to do was add it to whatever beverage was on hand. It became basically indistinguishable in whatever sweetened drink he added it to. When he had to resort to water, he could taste it slightly but it wasn't bad. He was elated. No longer did he have to worry about downing obscene amounts of sugar and chemicals. Well he still was ingesting the chemicals, but they somehow seemed safer.

He started giving it to other magicians and he became the belle of the magician's ball. Everyone knew his name and gave him thanks. He even made the cover of MAGIC Magazine for magician of the year. Sure his illusions were nothing special, but he had given the word of magic a way to make it through each and every day. That is why we are here today to unveil his statue in honor of the memory of Mark Jinks. As I'm sure you all know he sadly left this mortal coil when an illusion went horribly wrong and when he pretended to cut his assistant in half, he somehow cut himself in half. Always the one to see a trick through to its completion he continued sawing through the pain until his body was completely separated in two.

From the beverages I've drunk recently I have come to the conclusion that Jamaica was once a part of Canada. It was the 11th province. Like modern day Quebec the fine citizens of Jamaica wanted to become a sovereign nation. They petitioned for years and made no progress. Finally a group of radicals strategically planted explosives and broke Jamaica free from the rest of Canada. They were happy to just be separated and declared their independence. It was a happy accident that the coastal tides dragged their country south into a tropical region.

Canada is still bitter, but they have embraced the new beverages that come out of the now sunny and warm Jamaica. One such drink is a combination of mango and carrot juice. Okay it's pulp and puree, but that might actually make it better. It's mostly mango, with just the slightest hint of carrot. You really don't taste the carrots at all unless you breathe through your nose (especially with the nectar still in your mouth). It has a nice consistency that is not overly thick, but more so than a normal juice.

Good work Jamaica. You have succeeded where Quebec has failed. In freedom, as well as in the world of beverages.

Jimmy was a huge Rage Against The Machine fan. He got into them when he was in high school. Right around the time Evil Empire came out. He thought every other band paled in comparison. He loved them so much; he got "Bombtrack" tattooed in old English on his stomach. All of his friends tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't listen.

When RATM reunited last year, he booked the first ticket to LA he could. There was no way he was going to miss this show. He also brought along a case of these Rage energy shots. He thought the band secretly endorsed it. The company even sent them a copy of their masthead to prove Zach De La Rocha didn't have a hand in their product, but he still thought it was true. He thought this all the way until he met Zach before the concert.

Being the crafty person he is, Jimmy found out where the band was eating before the show and introduced himself to them mid burrito. He told them how big of a fan he was, showed them his tattoo, and then asked if they would sign his box of energy shots. Zach laughed and told him, just like everyone else, that they had nothing to do with the company and refused to sign it. He then went on some diatribe about the indigenous people of Canada (where the drink is made), but Jimmy was in tears and ran out. His dreams had been shattered.

What better way to drown those tears than to drink the entire case of Rage energy shots. One after another, he drank them. Each one tasting just like the last did, fruit punch Kool Aid energy drink. The taste never changed, and never left his mouth for months after that night. He also had a heart attack from all that caffeine.

So let that be a lesson for everyone. Rage Against The Machine would never own an energy drink company, and don't ever interrupt Zach De La Rocha when he's eating a burrito.

Todd, daddy asked you to make him some Tang. I don't know how to make it. No, I don't know. Mom always makes it for me. I think it's two teaspoons of powder and eight ounces of water. That sounds right. That looks a little light but it's probably right. Go give it to daddy.

What did he say? He said it was good but tasted like it was watered down? Oh, Todd. Table spoons. Table spoons. Two table spoons not teaspoons. That's what we did wrong. We were close to correct. It's a good thing daddy didn't hit you. You know how important Tang is to him. Wait a second. This isn't Tang at all. It is something called Vitamin Enriched Water. It looks like it and smells like it but...yeah, it just tastes like watered down Tang. Todd, daddy was an astronaut. I think he knows a thing or two about Tang. I can't believe he couldn't taste the difference. I guess it's a good business model, though. Buy regular Tang, use half as much, charge as much as Tang, but have twice the supply so you make twice the money. What do I know about business models, though? I'm only nine.