I have smelled a lot of disgusting things in my life. This is possibly one of the top ten worst smelling things I have ever experienced. If I had to describe it, it would be a mix between, and I'm sorry if I'm being a bit grotesque, sweaty genitalia mixed with sweaty feet. There were chunks in it so I assumed that it was just natural lemonade, which it might have been, but now I don't know if it was that or mold or something.

After bringing myself to drink the swill, I will note that it wasn't terrible. Taste would have given it a three. It was a lot like most other carbonated lemonades. Smell knocked it down a peg but the "fun factor" kept it from getting a dreaded "one" bottle.

I did a video review for you all to enjoy so please watch my face and feel my pain as I drink 2% of this drink and dump the rest out.

According to the Tori Amos song, which I can only assume like a great big idiot is the namesake of this drink "She's convinced she could hold back a glacier." Well maybe, just maybe she could hold back a wall of ice, but even if she could do that, there is absolutely no way she could hold back the monumental force of Glaceau as a company or in the way of flavor. Vitamin water has become as commonplace as Coke or Pepsi and that is something they should be proud of. They have done it with quality tasting drinks as well (okay their "Zero" line could use some work).

This is the first time I've tried the Spark flavor and I can assure you that it will be my new go-to flavor when I'm at random gas stations in the middle of nowhere America. I really think they should rethink what they are calling this flavor though. They have dubbed it "grape-blueberry" but obviously they modeled the flavor off of the blue Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip. It tastes exactly like you licked the white sugar stick, stuck in the package and then bit a big chunk of it off. It's delicious, but this drink tastes less sugary than the actual candy (which is basically solidified sugar dipped into powdered sugar). Also, it is fine to share this drink with someone, where it should be completely unacceptable to share your Lik-M-Aid. No one wants to double dip into your spit sugar.

Look son, I don't know how else to say this, but you've been sucking this season at T-ball. I'm sorry, but as your daddy, I feel like I should be the one to tell you. You're not the worst kid on the team, but I feel like even the worst player on the team could have caught that pop fly you missed by a good ten feet today. Are you alright? Do you need glasses? Do you need me to take you to that new giant glasses store on the Boulevard and get you a pair of specs? I will. If there is anything I can do to increase your T-ball stats, please, let me know. I know you're only eight, but money is no object. Todd, Kenny's daddy, asked me if you were feeling alright. You know how I felt at that moment? Humiliated.

What's that? You're just thirsty and you are thinking of drinks when you are on the field? Well, I guess that just plain old water isn't doing the trick before a game so let's see what we've got here. Oh, hey, you like drawing, right? Well I just found this drink called Crayons so you can let it draw a line to your throat and you can draw me the size of the trophy case you want after you start playing like a champ again. Flavor? Oh, it's punch. You like fruit punch, right? Sure you do. You're eight. Salty? I wouldn't use that as an adjective to describe a drink. Let me try that. Fruity and...Oh, there it is. You're right. Salty. If you like that, I have some pretzels that you can have if you think that it will get you out of this rut of crappy T-ball playing. You're right. Aside from the light saltiness, it's pretty good. It certainly went down fast enough. It's like kids Gatorade. Also, strangely, for something listed as "all natural", you would think that there would be more than 0% fruit juice.

How are you feeling, buddy. Are you glad we have this talk? I am. You're going to do great next week. We can practice all day so you do better and not humiliate me any more.

I was finally asked to a sleepover at The Sandlot Crew's tree house last night. To put in lightly, it was AMAZING! I had so much fun! We didn't have parents bugging us, we ate junk food, and Squints told us the story of The Beast. I'll admit, it made me a little scared to go back to the sandlot today. I was supposed to be there a half hour ago.

Anyways, probably the coolest thing was when Ham offered me my first s'more. I had no idea what he was talking about and I thought he was offering me more of nothing. Chocolate, marshmallow, and graham crackers were meant to be eaten together. It was a heavenly treat. When I got home this morning I told my mom that I loved s'mores now. With the biggest smile on her face, she went to the fridge and brought me this bottle of pop back. I had no idea they made this!! The people at Rocket Fizz must be rocket scientists because this tastes exactly like the s'mores I had last night. It's like chocolate and marshmallow in liquid form.

Don't tell the other guys, but I think I like this s'mores soda more than the actually food. It's less messy and tastes more consistently awesome. Okay I gotta go, if I don't get to the baseball field soon I'll be stuck batting last again.

Today we announced that the winning name for our "name our mascot" contest was "Sir Durstig." The fine folks over at The Rootbeer Brothers came up with the name and we salute them for it. Their response was for us to grab our finest root beer and drink it in celebration. I tried, but what I grabbed certainly wasn't my best root beer, but it was the only one that I had that was already cold.

When I took my first sip I was nicely surprised at how dark and full-bodied it tasted. I was even more shocked when I looked at the ingredients and saw that it was sweetened with HFCS. Then I noticed that it has molasses in it and I understood and smiled. I want molasses in more root beers. The more I drank the less impressed I was. The molasses flavored remained with every sip, but the complexity of the root beer quality of it faltered. It seemed to get weaker and weaker with every sip, until I only had about a fifth of the bottle left. At that point it got stronger, but still not to the level that I wanted it to be.

This had the potential to be one incredible root beer, but when root beer extract is one of the ingredients I guess I shouldn't have expected much. This certainly wouldn't satisfy a tiny bear cub, let alone a full grown big bear.

Meatballs? Yes. Lamps? Yes. Tables? Yes. Strange, unpronounceable drinks made with otherwise common fruits? Absolutely. Ikea is quickly turning into a provider of everything one would need. A Swedish Target, if you will. Allow me to carefully type out the actual name of this drink:
Kolsyrad Pa(with umlots)rondryck

That's it. They's what they call sparkling pear juice there.

Now I hate pears. I don't like them minced, diced, creamed, marinated, with cheese, without cheese, fried, or anything in the middle. This, unfortunately, will be added to my list of exceptions because it's rather good. Crisp, and almost like a sparkling apple juice, which might be why I like it so much. Nonetheless, my buddy Steve, who I have known since I was about sixteen picked it up at the most local, but not really local, Ikea. I've been sitting on it for far too long. It's a good thing that they didn't sample it on the short drive back from Toronto because it never would have made it back. It's nicely sweet and even though I know it's made from pear, I have finished the short "tallboy" can.

Pears, we may never see eye to eye, but all of the crap I put you through and all of the bad stuff I relentlessly throw at you, you still come through with a drink like this. You are the bigger man and I am a big enough man to admit it. Does that make me a better man? Probably not. I am a lesser man than a pear is a man.

Welcome to the first day of Fizz Ed. My name is Christopher Fabiano and I will be your instructor for the semester. I see a bunch of you have changed into gym shorts and tee shirts with sports logos on them. Those of you that have, like so many before you, are mistaken as to what class you have enrolled in. I understand your confusion due to the fact that we meet in the school's gymnasium and I admit the name can be confusing, especially to the youth of today who's grammar and spelling has gone right down the pooper due to computers and texting. This class is not I repeat IS NOT physical education. It is in fact Fizz Education, or the study of carbonation and more importantly soda and other fizzy beverages. Yes this class is a dream come true for some, but for those of you who are upset about this, there are withdrawal slips by the door. No one's feelings will be hurt if you walk out that door.

Okay now that everyone but six of you have left let's get down to business. Basically this semester we will learn the science behind soda and by the end of the semester you will be brewing your own. All you stoner slackers out there, I know you're thinking that you can use this knowledge to brew your own beer. Well, I hate to break it to you, but that is a different process altogether and while it is interesting the school board won't let me teach it. I mean come on it's a shock that this class exists at all.

Before we start can anyone tell me the difference between soda pop and sparkling juice? No one? Well this is certainly going to be a long semester. Okay the difference really boils down to the amount of sugar added to the drink. I'm glad so many people left because I only have a handful of cans to share with everyone. So take one and pass the bag to the person next to you. What you now hold in your hands is a near perfect example of a sparkling juice. It is also a brand I created to help me in teaching this class. Like the name? Ideally I would have used fresh fruit juice, but with budget cuts what they are I had to settle with using concentrates. I then added carbonated water, and bam magic was made. Notice I did not add any sweeteners. The fruit juice is nice and sweet as it is and it makes for a wonderfully refreshing drink. For this batch I used red raspberries and I think you can really taste it. Of course due to those aforementioned budget cuts I couldn't use pure raspberry juice, so I cut it with apple juice. You can slightly taste the apples, but it still is mostly raspberry. It truly is a wonderful thing if I do say so myself.

For the next time we meet I want you each to write a 25-page paper describing the evolution of soda and how it differs from sparkling juices. What did you think this was going to be a blow off class? Think again!

Nice to meet you, my name is Warren Phillips. I'm a businessman on the go, by trade. Where am I going? Oh you know, here and there doing business type things. What things? Mergers, acquisitions, layoffs, buyouts, the occasional deer wrestling, you know the usual. As long as I have my trusty hat and briefcase I'll make it through this world just fine.

Why yes my brief case is very heavy. Thank you for noticing the sag. The reason is that along with all of my contracts and other paperwork I also have several bottles of Whooppee Citrus Smash soda in there. I do get mighty parched running to and fro all of the time, and it is important for a businessman on the go to stay hydrated. A colleague of mine, Stan Levy, didn't subscribe to that train of thought and that is what led to the Boncroft-Fairfax merger going down the toity. Ever since then I always have at least two bottles of soda in my brief case.

I'm not an idiot. I know that water would be more hydrating and better for me over all. The thing is that I really like the bubbles and carbonated water just tastes wrong. I went to the soda store down on Lexington and I must say they have quite the selection. This bottle instantly jumped out at me. I mean it looks like a caricature of me on the bottle. The little guy has the hat and everything. I now down this stuff daily. Sure I've had to let out all my suits in the waist, but it's worth it. You see not only does it look like I'm on the bottle, which makes me seem more important with my clients, but it also tastes fantastic. It's an orange and lime soda, which you don't see very often. It's also fairly light tasting. Most orange sodas are very thick and heavy, but not this one. Which is perfect for me Warren Phillips, businessman on the go. Speaking of which, I need to be at the Wang Kong exchange like right now! I'm off!

Oh, hello there. I didn't see you there. May I ask, what are you doing in my kitchen? Oh, you just needed milk. Well it seems that a more reasonable place would be a store and not my kitchen at 7:15 in the morning. I guess, since you're wearing a bathrobe, slippers, and flannel pants, I'm not in any danger there. What's that in your pocket? Oh, a spoon? Well in the top shelf to your left are bowl and over here is the cereal if you want to sit down with me and have breakfast. It might be nice, just us guys. My wife is at work and my kids are at school. I usually leave around eight so we've got some time.

Oh, me? I'm just going to have this tea my previously mentioned wife bought for me. It's unsweetened so I don't feel bad about drinking it so early in the morning. I haven't had it. Have you had those chocolate Cherrios yet? No? What a morning for an adventure, eh friend? I will tell you, you will not be disappointed as I have had many a bowl and they are delicious.

Oh, how's this tea? Eh. It's a textbook definition of unsweetened tea, which means it's good but nothing special. It's smooth and tastes like tea because it is tea, but it's really nothing more. I don't know what I expected as it is, after all, just unsweetened tea. No bells and whistles here. How is your cereal? You love it? I knew it. We're one for two and I guess that's not bad for this early in the morning. Hey, I've got to get ready to go to work. Can you lock up on your way out? I just got Sonic Generations for the Xbox if you want to play. It's a lot of fun. If you're going to be here later, we're getting pizza and wings. You're welcome to stay if you want just please don't scare my wife when she gets home. She'll probably pee her pants and although that's hilarious to us, it's more inconvenient to her.

Pennsylvania and Transylvania could not be further apart. Sure, their names seem similar and to someone geographically inclined, they may not know the difference. If Pennsylvania is a state, why isn't Transylvania? Although not part of the United States, Transylvanians are more than welcome to it whenever they please as long as they have the proper documentation.

One difference between the two is that Pennsylvania contains cherries, which they use to product Red Ribbon cherry pop. This pop is exquisite in it's taste and comes second to "not many" when talking about non black cherry pops. It's quite sweet but the fruity taste is a nice counter balance. Transylvania being part of Romania leads it to be more of a mineral exporting country, although they do produce wine and other fruits but not cherries.

Having been to Pennsylvania and having seen pictures of Transylvania I can say that it gets very cold in the winter months so if you plan on splitting your winter vacation in both places, make sure to bring a warm jacket and gloves otherwise your vacation will not be enjoyed to its fullest extent. Enjoy all that both places have to offer and it will certainly be a vacation you will not soon forget.

Lemon-lime sodas are generally pretty substandard in my book. If there is a big cooler full of random sodas the lemon-lime would be the last one I picked. It's not bad, but it's just kind of there. It's rare that any of them really even taste any different. That apparently goes for the diet variety. This is diet lemon-lime and the flavor only slightly differs from the regular variety. It tastes like fake lemon and lime with some sweetener added. The aspartame doesn't have an overly diet taste at all. Normally that would be awesome and I would be super pumped. Too bad it's a flavor of soda I would never want to drink, diet tasting or not.

I have a problem. When all of the natural disasters culminate and the world is in shambles I know I will somehow end up on a tropical island somewhere. I also know that all there will be to eat is bananas. This will result in me starving to death because bananas are completely revolting. From the flavor to the texture it is the prime example of fruit gone bad. Over the years I've gone back and given banana another try again and again and each time I walk away hating it more. All of that being said I love banana nut bread. I don't understand why, but I think it's incredible. Something in the other ingredients neutralizes the banana flavor and it's delicious. It was because of this that I chose this soda out of the box when we were doing the Thirsty Dudes drink draft (yes that really happens).

This smells intense. It smells like banana candy with a weird harsh undertone. I've never let a bad smell turn me off of a drink, so down the hatch it went. At first it tasted like banana flavored Runts. Then the taste of the previously mentioned weird harsh smell came into play. I instantly was able to place the smell. It was the scent of slightly burnt dessert bread. The taste matched up. My overall review of this soda is that it tastes like someone made a loaf of banana bread, but didn't have actual bananas or sugar, so they ground up a bunch of banana nerds. Then they got all caught up looking for a save point in the video game they were playing and the loaf got slightly burnt.

Now someone make sure there is other fruit present on that island I will inevitably end up on so I don't starve from being stubborn.

Water is great. It's super refreshing and I drink it all the time unlike some people I know. A lot of people hate that water tastes like nothing, so that's where companies like MiO come in. The tag line on this little bottle says it all, it's a "liquid water enhancer". Unlike other varieties of MiO, this also has caffeine in it so it turns your water into delicious energy water.

Let's be honest, most energy drinks are gross. Sure we have found a few that are good, but for the most part they are vile things in a can. Most are also carbonated, and I'm not always in the mood for a carbonated drink. As far as energy drinks go, this is one of the best I've ever had. The black cherry taste is delicious and sweet. I know they recommend only using one squirt per 8 oz glass but I put a little extra in because I really like the strong cherry taste.

Now I don't recommend this to other people, but in the name of science I squeezed some of this straight into my mouth. It was INTENSE! It is concentrated for a reason, because drinking it straight is like taking a shot of liquid caffeine. It instantly woke me up. I'm really glad Kraft sent these to us to sample because I never knew a delicious energy drink could come in such a small bottle.

Let me get this straight. It's January 7th, I'm in Buffalo, NY and it's 45 degrees? Well that seems completely insane. Anyone who doesn't believe in global warming should check themselves, because it's hear and we're loving it (well until summer comes, and until ice caps melt and we all float away). To celebrate I took my old bike (my good one has a flat tire randomly) out for a ten mile ride. It wasn't too long, but when you haven't ridden in three months and it still feels pretty cold when you're riding fast and the wind is blasting you in the face. I still had a good time though. I like adventuring through random backstreets and seeing where I end up. For reference I have absolutely no sense of direction and I get lost easily, which is what makes this fun.

In order to prepare I layered up on clothes and realized it was time to give this Gatorade Prime 01 a test drive. When Mike drank one he said that it had an almost slimy texture. I couldn't agree more. "Almost slimy" is the perfect way to describe it. As your squeezing it into your mouth from the pouch it feels super slimy. Almost like quarter machine slime. Then when it's in your mouth for a second it seems just like a slightly thicker Gatorade. It's weird. I don't know why it feels like a different consistency, but it does and it's strange. The flavor of it falls pretty much dead center between regular fruit punch Gatorade and straight up Gatorade concentrate.

I was weary about drinking this, but the flavor and consistency was much better than anticipated. It also made me chock full of carbs and B vitamins.

For years Arizona ruled the cheap tea game. It was the go to refreshment at any gas station or corner store. Around the turn of the century it was the hay day of basement punk and hardcore shows in Buffalo, NY. My friends and I spent a large chunk of time hanging out on Custer Street. The closest place to get drinks was a gas station a few blocks away and everyone either bought beer or Arizona. There was a point in my life where on an average I was drinking 3-4 cans a day. Now that is an unhealthy diet.

Eventually the houses that had the shows started shutting down, and around the same time (unrelated) I all but gave up drinking high fructose corn syrup (it was destroying my stomach). As a result I stopped drinking Arizona. Whenever I go back to it now, I always wonder what made me think it was so great. The conclusions I have come to are it was a lot of tea for a low price, and I was ignorant of how could iced tea could be.

I remember getting super pumped whenever a new flavor would come out. It's sad that the Half & Half Mango Iced Tea came out a few years ago and this is the first time I've tried it. It tastes more like a sugar fruit drink with a little tea added to it than an equally distributed half & half. I was shocked that this actually had mango puree in it. You can definitely taste that. I just wish that it had more of a tea flavor.

I still have a soft spot for Arizona, but I don't pretend that it is a magical elixir anymore. It's simply cheap tea that is mass-produced that comes in containers larger than any one person should drink in a single sitting.

I was planning on posting the lyrics to the They Might Be Giants song "The Cap'm" and changing some words so that it praised this root beer. Then I actually drank it, and even though I still wanted to I decided I couldn't lie to our dear readers.

This is one of the worst root beers I have ever tasted. It's very dark and creamy tasting. Normally I would associate both of those things with a good root beer, but someone the cap'm got it all wrong. It's actually a brewed soda, so I'm wondering if something was wrong with the batch I tried. I did a quick Google search and the reviews I found of it were all glowing. Some people even claim it to be one of their favorites. The three people I shared it with and myself couldn't disagree more. The fact that it got worst with each sip really makes me think it was a bad batch. Each sip tasted different and weird in a different way. By the bottom of the bottle the wintergreen oil was so prevalent that it almost tasted like a mint root beer. I normally love complex root beers, but this is all wrong. That's it I need to try another bottle of this.

Dear Mexico,

It's nice to know that you and I have finally met. I have wanted to visit you for a long time. I would say that as long as I've known that tacos come from you I have wanted to visit your arid region. I don't mean that in a sexual way, and if this pen were erasable, I would have taken care of that potential double entendre. Since it is essentially written in stone, you're going to have to live with it knowing that I did not mean it.

Moving on, your locale was wonderful. If I was in the market for a 70's Volkswagen Beetle or a 90's Jeep Wrangler, I know that if I can't find one in these United States, I can always go to your area and find a trillion. I did not have a lot of time to spend on your shores and for that reason, I missed out on picking up some of your homegrown Barrilitos. You keep things simple there. Here in the states there is all sorts of marinating, saturating, and other food and drink related activities that happen that take up all our free time. You make a product like Barrilitos and take a siesta. I am envious of your "laid back" lifestyle. This drink just tastes like carbonated apple juice. Apple juice is great. Pop is great. Putting them both together is great. Tacos are the best food ever and everything can basically be taken out of can and dumped onto a tortilla; that is if you are alright with everything being cold.

In closing. I already miss you. I didn't know it got as cold as it did when we were together, but that's because I am geographically retarded and don't know what happens south of Buffalo in terms of weather patterns and no, I don't mean South Buffalo. I know what happens there and it's nothing good, I can assure you that. I hope you are having a great time without me and I know one day we will be together drinking nice glass bottles of Coke and Barrilitos.

Sincerely,
Mike Literman

Ma'am I have to admit that you're not inviting me to your party. Here I am slaving away at this grocery store for your benefit. I've bagged a full satchel of hot dogs and you have about 30 cases of grape soda. It's obvious to everyone present that you are about to have a barbeque of gigantic proportions. This is a small town ma'am and with that amount of food I can only assume that everyone around here has been invited except me. Was that an oversight, or have I done something to offend you are your family? If I have I apologize, and I can assure you it wasn't intentional. I didn't even know that I did it. Come on ma'am don't lie to me you're obviously having a party. The only reason anyone would buy that much soda was if they loved it so much and it wasn't in production any more. In a similar vein the only other reason anyone would buy that many hot dogs was if they had some weird compulsion that they needed to bath in blended up hot dogs. What? You do have that infliction? I'm sorry ma'am I didn't mean to offend or embarrass you. I really thought you were having a barbeque ma'am.

Okay ma'am that explains the hot dogs, but what's up with the grape soda if I may be so bold as to ask? You just love it? Well, I guess that's understandable. It just tastes like generic grape soda to me. You know like a carbonated melted freezie pop with an obscene amount of sugar added. I understand buy maybe a case if you like it that much, but you have so much it's going to be hard to fit this in your car. Oh your hot dog bath is going to last a month and you want to make sure you stay hydrated during that time. Ma'am I think there may be something seriously wrong with you. I highly suggest you talk to a physical before amercing yourself in a hotdog milkshake for a month, while only nourishing yourself with mediocre grape soda. Yes ma'am I know I'm just a bag boy. No I do not have a medical degree. You know what ma'am have a good day, and have fun in your hot dog tomb. I'm pretty sure this is the last time anyone will ever see you alive, or with teeth.

James, it's great to see you. How was space? Great? Did you play golf in space? Man, I would have driven the ball all the way to earth and then, somehow, watch it burn up on re-entry. Oh, the thought of that gets me so pumped. So, space. That must have been awesome. Really? No cheese. Well, the pamphlets they are handing out down here on earth are telling me otherwise. It's Swiss, but it's space cheese nonetheless.

Woah! What is this? Really? Gifts, from space? Oh, gifts from NASA. Cool, but honestly, space gifts sounds a lot better. I guess NASA gifts would be of better quality since there is nothing in space, apparently, except space rocks. Really though? Not one moon rock? You brought me official NASA dried fruit. That's cool. What am I supposed to do with this? Oh, mix it in with this space water you gave me? What are these, strawberries and apricots? Awesome. Let me mix it here. Oh, this is delicious. You know what, though? It just tastes like Sobe Lifewater. It's better the more I drink it. No one uses apricots and I cannot appreciate these space dried ones more. Strawberries? I have had these and they are delicious, but I've had them. I appreciate them, but I've had them. I enjoy the erythritol sweetness and the fifty-fifty strawberry/apricot mix. This is good, dude. Thanks. I can buy it mostly anywhere as, like I said, Sobe Lifewater, but this being space juice makes it so much better. Thank you very much.

Woah! You brought me a Fisher Space Pen from NASA, too? This is the pen that writes upside down! Awesome. I'm sorry that I gave you such a hard time about that moon rock and space cheese stuff. This is a great gift.

Well this isn't good. I do enjoy a nice coffee drink, not to be confused with actual coffee, which I can't stand. Strange right? Welp, what are you going to do? This is very vanilla and, as reported by two separate colleagues, metallic tasting, which is not a strong selling feature unless you are advertising to sell to a tired goat. As for the energy, I don't get any "energy drink" taste. Mostly it just tastes like the vanilla and milk. I also did not get much coffee, which I was hoping for.

I will say that if we were playing darts, you know, Target CEO Gregg W. Steinhafel and I, I would think they were hitting a ton of low, non-counting numbers like three, or eight, because this drink missed the mark. It's missing what I wanted and expected. Now, Gregg might be a fantastic dartsman, but in the game where I asked him to play like this drink was playing, I beat him and looked great doing it. I didn't rub his face in it and I bought him a root beer for being a good sport.