You know it was really nice meeting you, Sam. You know what? I will go home with you. Let's get in this cab and head back to your place. Oh...you live here? This is a rough part of town, isn't it? Well, I feel safe with you so let's just get inside quickly because that guy over there across the street has shifty eyes like in cartoons where a dog has shifty eyes because he's up to no good.

Oh, this is...this is where you live? Oh, no...It's nothing...I just...well I just thought because you were so well kempt that...you know...your house would be, too. It's fine. It's fine. Let's just get to your room. Sam, why are we going in the basement? Oh...it is damp down here. Is that pipe leaking? Why does it...no...nevermind. No...I can't say it. You know what? I might go home. All of a sudden I don't feel so hot...well I was going to say it smells a lot like sweaty feet down here. Man it's damp down here. Do you have like seventeen humidifiers running in here?

Please don't tell me you sleep on a twin mattress on the floor. You do? Sam. Come on. You have a $400 watch on, $200 shoes, and nice clothes. Why do you live like this? How can it smell like feet so much down here! Jesus! Yes, Sam. Thank you. I will have a drink. I'm going to need it. Thanks. Is this red wine? What is it? Black current? I don't know. Oh, it's just juice? Alright. Ugh. What is going on? Is that the way this drink tastes or is this cranberry juice made with someone's old, sweaty feet? There is too much going on. Is this juice bad? Did you serve me old, bad juice? It's not expired. Look, once it's in my mouth, it just tastes like a liquid version of those delicious canned cranberries you eat on Thanksgiving. When you bring it to your mouth though...feet.

Sam. I can't do this. I'm sorry. You have a good nice and it was really nice meeting you. I'm going to call a cab and wait on your front stoop and hope that the shifty guy outside doesn't come towards me or I will kick him so hard he's going to be shifting in places he wishes he wasn't. Good night, Sam. Please lose my phone number.

Girlfriend, you know I love you. I know you, too, and I know that you like things that sparkle: diamonds, gems, rubies, and the lot. I can't wait until your birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, or even Sweetest Day to let you in on this secret, but I bought you something that sparkles. It's not much, but when I saw it I thought of you. Here, my baby. This is for you.

What do you mean "What is it?" It's sparkling lemonade. It's sparkles, like my girl. Go ahead. Taste it. What do you think? It's good, right? Yeah. Baby. That's right. It's good, right? Baby? Do you like it? What's that questioning look? Oh. It's that it wasn't jewelry. That's fine. Oh, you do like it. Great. It's pretty good. A little diet, yes. Your delightful little tongue is no liar. It's not a terrible lemonade flavor. It's not too bad. For only two calories it could surly be a whole lot worse.

So there you are, one bottle of a sparkling drink for my sparkling fiancè. You've earned it. Speaking of earning it, I believe that you mentioned something about a chocolate cream pie. I believe I am quite deserving of that.

High school life for Alex and Ryan was rough, especially after Ryan's girlfriend got kidnapped. Ryan told Cyndi time and time again not to mess with Slick, but she wouldn't listen. They knew they couldn't let him get away with it, so they grabbed some lead pipes and took to the streets of River City.

They came across a lot of nasty gangs along the way. The Generic Dudes were more annoying than troublesome. The Frat Guys were as dumb as they looked. But it was The Squids that really gave them trouble. Throwing wooden crates at them just wouldn't work, so they had to bust out their Acro Circus skills. That showed The Squids who was the boss.

After that, they really needed to relax with a sauna and a nice bottle of root beer. Unfortunately you couldn't find any root beer in River City if your life depended on it, but at least we now know what it would have tasted like. It's really sweet and smooth, with a slight bit and a whole lot of flavor to it. Not special flavor, just your classic root beer flavor. It's too bad they didn't have this because it would have definitely helped them.

Welcome to gym class weaklings! You're in high school now and that means you're in the big leagues, and no we will not be chewing shredded bubble gum. If I even think one of you has a wad of chewing stuff in their mouth it's five laps of the track for all of you! As I was saying you're in the big leagues now and you're going to work like dogs. Say so long to the world of badminton and square dancing and say hello to the burnt hands of the rope climb and the slashed shins of floor hockey. For those of you wimps who have doctors notes to excuse you from my class, you will be sitting on the bleachers writing me a five-page paper each class on how you could only wish in your deepest dreams that you could ring the bell at the time of the rope. While you are doing this you will also be sipping from childish milk cartons filled with childish fruit punch. The rest of us will spend seven minutes at the beginning of each class laughing at you while we crush bottles of big boy drinks. That's right gentleman, at the beginning of every class it is mandatory for each of you to drink a bottle of Sobe Energy. We've got an assortment of flavors but the Power Fruit Punch is what I assume most of you will choose, since you are just little boys posing as grown men. It is full of aronia and grape juice according to the label. I always thought it was blueberries and cranberries from the picture, but what do I know about fruits, I'm no fruitologist. Actually now that I know I was wrong about the fruits contained with in the flavor makes more sense. It's has a grape flavor if grapes were from some tropical region. Does that make sense? It doesn't? Well it looks like you just bought yourself 50 pushups Mr. Smartypants. Whatever it tastes like, it's tasty and you should feel proud to be able to down it. It's got taurine, caffeine and guarana in it, so it will give you a nice energy boost for class, as well as the rest of the school day. I don't want to hear anything about sensitivity to caffeine or heart problems. You will drink it and you will like it. Now, BOMBARDMENT!

Greek restaurants in their common form are nothing more than dinners that put feta cheese on their house salads. Occasionally they may serve lamb, but there is not much of a difference between a restaurant called Acropolis and one called Jims. I believe that the Greeks need to seize back their culture. The menus in their restaurants should be slathered with names of foods like spanakopita, gemista and briám. That would liven things up, and perhaps I would visit their establishments more often. I mean what is the point in visiting a Greek restaurant if you're just going to get pancakes and a milkshake. Speaking of beverages those same restaurants should also spice up this section of their menu. With names like Ouzon, Ivi and Epso they would be sure to entice more customers into ordering something to drink other than water. I know I certainly would purchase more than my fair share of Epso. I have a weakness for carbonated orange juice. I hardly ever drink it in the still form, but throw some bubbles into the mix and I just can't get enough. It's sweet, it's bubbly and it could help stir up interest in Greek restaurants.

Jeremy, do you have coconuts for sale? You do? How much are they? Oh that's way too much. Do you have dent and scratch coconuts? You do? Is there anything wrong with them? They're old? Hmm. How old is old? Oh, that is old. You know what? If they smell fine, I'll take them. Can I get a discount since they're old? Awesome. Alright, I'll take a couple cases. What am I doing with them? Making pop. Yeah, coconut pop. I figure I'm one of the only ones I can have a nice corner of the market. Yes, I'm sure that better quality coconuts would make a better product. Sweetener? Corn syrup. Look, I've got to conserve money. This economy is garbage. Corn syrup and old coconuts is what my company will start with and as soon as things get better, we'll upgrade to better things.

I have made a sample batch, yes. It tastes a little thick and a little like coconut. The sweetener is a bit off, if I can be honest. I'm hoping people get hooked so when we pull the switch on cane sugar, it's a significant improvement. It's nice to have a constantly improving company and that's why I'm sacrificing quality initially.

Jeremy, thanks. I appreciate your help. I have written you a check for sixteen dollars for eighteen cases of old and damaged coconuts. I will send you some samples when I get them finished up. You don't want any? Alright dude, your loss.

Oh the original line of Vitamin Water. How many bottles of you have I downed over the years? Dozens? Of course. Hundreds? Certainly. Thousands? Now that might be pushing it.

You see for years I had chronic stomach pain. I would wake up fine, but by the time I went to sleep at night I was in intense pain. I went to the doctor in 2001 to get it checked out and he gave me some pills. They worked a bit, but my insurance ran out and I didn't go back to see a doctor for over a decade. I learned to live with the pain. Then I went on tour in Europe and after a few days I noticed the pain was subsiding. By the time I headed back to the States it was gone. The first thing I did when I got home was to grab a slice of good pizza and drink a can of Arizona. That night my pain returned. I was extremely confused. It took me awhile before I discovered that most European companies don't use high fructose corn syrup. I decided to try cutting it out of my beverage diet. Again the pain went away. I had the secret to a stomach pain free life. Around that time Vitamin Water was one of the few companies readily available in gas stations that didn't use HFCS. I started drinking it constantly, to an extent that was probably unhealthy.

During this time Revive was one of my favorites. It's supposed to be fruit punch, but it doesn't exactly taste like it, maybe a little, but a very, very light version of it. I would narrow it down to more of a berry based fruit punch rather than a tropical one. If you haven't tried this before I'd be shocked. Now you know a stupid story abut me that doesn't affect your life at all. You also know very little about this drink. Here's a bit more. It's not overly sweet, but it's fairly flavorful. You know what? You can find this anywhere so just spend the dollar and try it yourself.

Gilius Thunderhead was a strong dwarf who was an accomplished blacksmith. He became so strong became he was always wielding a hammer against an old fashioned anvil. He made swords, axes, railings, and everything in between. His favorite things to create were double-edged axes because he could get artistic and put all sorts of intricate filigree within the metal.

To unwind, he enjoyed drinking root beer. Sure, he's a short, tough guy, but he enjoys his sweets just like anyone. The company appreciated him buying case after case so much that they renamed their super-successful root beer to "Dwarven Draight" and Gilius was more than pleased. He liked the root beer because it was sweet, had a bit of complexity, and the taste stayed with you for a while.

The only group that he wouldn't share his root beer with was the Death Adders because they killed his brother and were generally quite mean and tactless. If you could hear the jokes they would make about minorities you wouldn't as much as share a stick of gum with them. Terrible, terrible people.

For the quantity of peaches that I have consumed in my life I am shocked that I have not had more of its less fuzzy cousin the apricot. Truth be told I think I may have consumed maybe three whole apricots during my time on this planet. I have eaten it by the ton in its dried form though. The reason for that is because my mom would always buy a bag from the bulk section for some reason. Dried apples or pineapples would have been my go-to, but she always chose the apricot.

This is 27% juice and all of it is apricot. A lot of companies cut their juice with apple fluid, but Jumex keeps it strong with pure apricot. Well, at least the 27% of it that is actually juice and not water or sweetener. Even thought 73% of what is contained in this can is not apricot based, it sure tastes like it is. If you're a fan of apricots and you don't mind juice that is mostly not juice then give this a shot.

In the limited amount of time that I have spent in the UK in my life there is one thing that I have learned above all else; the fine folks there sure know how to make a great cup of tea. I have been a fan of herbal teas since my teenage years, but it wasn't until I toured the United Kingdom for my first time that I could honestly say that I was a fan of straight up black tea. Every night after we would play a show we would head back to someone's house to stay for the night. Without fail, as soon as we settled in, our host would as us if anyone would like a cup of tea. For the first couple of days I experimented with different variations. I started off drinking it black, but it was too bitter. Then I tried it with just sugar. It was still not quite right. By day three I had resigned to drinking my tea with both cream (soy if they had it) and sugar. It was incredibly relaxing, and enjoyable to the taste buds. Every night that I have spent in those countries since has been accompanied with a nice cup of tea.

A company from Taiwan may make this, but it really reminds me of the tea I had in the UK. Well a cold version with a bit more creamer in it. I have to be honest here. It has a lot more creamer in it. It's a bit too much, but it's still enjoyable. I feel like the fine folks abroad would enjoy this as a to-go drink on a hot summer day. Then as the day cools down and the night sets in they would enjoy a nice cup of their classic hot tea.

When she was younger Izze was obsessed with fruit. She would go out to her grandparent's farm and just devour any sweet piece of produce she could find; apples, pears, strawberries, raspberries, peaches, plums and even an odd cherry or two. She would often exclaim that when she grew up she was going to be a horticulturist so that she could grow the world's juiciest, sweetest fruits and keep them all for herself. Did I mention she was also a spoiled little brat? Her grandparent's farm was their only source of income. As much as they loved their granddaughter they always feared when she came to visit because their profits would drop drastically. Man that little girl sure could put away a lot of fruit. Their love won out in the end, and as a solution they went into debt, bought some more land, and expanded their farm. They used the extra fruit to make sparkling fruit juice, which they named after their beloved granddaughter. The juice actually caught on and became a hit. They owed their fortune to that little girl with the bottomless pit of a stomach.

As Izze grew older, she became more interested in things other than fruit. Her horticulture dreams were out the window. Now she wanted to be a magazine writer. No one knows why. She still loved her grandparents though and visited them often. When they realized her interest in fruit had waned they also noticed that she was beginning to drink a lot of garbage pop. Her grandmamma wanted to make sure that he health didn't suffer due to this so she used their gear and created a batch of her own soda for Izze to drink. The first batch was her take on ginger ale. Izze had been downing a lot of Vernors lately, so it seemed like a good place to start. She somehow managed to create a pale dry ginger ale that still tasted like ginger beer, but with no trace of a burn at all. It tasted clean and crisp, and best of all was that it was all natural. It tasted better than the mass-produced store bought stuff that Izze had been bringing around so she loved it. It didn't catch on with other people as much as their sparkling juices had, but it still won the hearts of quite a few soda drinkers. This all happened because of a little girl. That sounds creepy.

The terrorists really win when you drink this stuff. They come at you from all angles and all you can think is, "It'll be alright" as you are getting shot every which way. Do not go into battle after you drink this stuff. Do not operate heavy machinery because when you're driving a gigantic dump truck thinking, "I feel really relaxed right now." you're running over half a dozen cars and you don't even know it.

This drink works. I feel totally relaxed and quite apathetic at the world around me. Sure, it doesn't take much to get me to that point but the former is a stretch. I am just a little sleepy but even when I say that I know as soon as my head touches the pillow my day will be over and then some.

This stuff could not taste more like medicine. Even down to the light carbonation/stinging, this drink does not fail to deliver in its familiar yet undesirable taste. What it lacks in a nice, soft, black cherry taste, it makes up for in actual results. I could probably take a punch in the face with a smile about now. There's nothing in this drink that is medicinal either. The only unnatural ingredient is the corn syrup. Everything else is just a relaxation herb.

This drink makes me feel like the first few times I had a Bob Marley tea, so if you want that feeling all over again, and you don't need to drive a backhoe and your city isn't overrun by terrorists, this is a great drink that you should enjoy exorbitantly responsible because it could end you and you couldn't care about it.

Things are strange when you get a “diet” version of a drink that doesn't taste all too different from the original, and that certainly doesn't taste diet. This says it's lo-cal, the strange this is there isn't a no calorie sweetener in it. It still has evaporated cane juice in it. I'm assuming it's just a lower quantity of it. The drink does taste a lighter than the original, but I think it actually makes it more enjoyable. Acai can be one intense fruit, and here it's mellowed out. Natural energy that tastes decent. Well done Sambazon.

The Amazon is littered with fruits. Monkeys, snakes, spiders, and fruits. They all love fruits. Tourists come in, get bitten by a snake and run out giving the rainforest a bad name. The locals go in, snag some fruit, give a monkey a high five and leave. In and out. How it should be. Locals also know what some of the stranger fruits are and eat them and skip boring bananas. Bananas. Pfft. Locals go grab a handful of guarana and make some pop with it. Some locals want to push some of these delicious little dudes on the locals because they don't know what they're missing out of.

The company just sells guarana pop and the locals think that it's so strange and daring and it's really just good, fruity pop. It's almost like a bubble gum that has been chewed for a couple hours. It's sweet, fruity, and a little special. Feel special. Drink guarana pop and stop being such a tourist.

Pat went to a job interview at the old Fuhrman plant. He has always loved their pop as long as he can remember and when he saw that they were hiring so he decided he would try and get a job there. He put on a decent shirt and tie, clean pants, and some dress shoes that he never wears unless he's going to a wedding, job interview, or funeral.

When he was driving down the long parking lot to get to the main office, he noticed a truck backing up. He thought and assumed it would stop since he was driving in an empty parking lot and there was no reason why not to see him. Just as he thought that was going to be the case, it was too late to brake and the crazy truck driver wasn't stopping. Pat did what he could which involved nothing more than stepping to get to point A before the truck got to point B, otherwise someone was going to get clipped. Foot to the floor, Pat involuntarily yelled, as he knew it was going to be a close one but it was no luck. The truck skimmed the back of his car, scuffing some of the paint which was more than fixable but what wasn't fixable is that the otherwise good interview he was hoping for was going to be ruined now that some dumb trucker hit his car.

He went into the main office, upset, and asked to see the interviewer he had scheduled the interview with. The lady behind the counter said that the interviewer had left for the day and should have called him. Pat checked his phone only to find no messages or anything. The guy stiffed him. The lady saw that he was distraught so she gave him a bottle of root beer. He took it, thanked the lady and headed out the door. He took a sip and for the first time, he thought that the root beer was completely average. It didn't have any extraordinary flavors and it wasn't complex. It was just root beer. It was good, but today he needed something special and next to the crash and getting stood up, he needed something really special.

It wasn't Pat's best day so he went home to just veg out for a while and play video games. He would need them after a garbage day like this.

Franklin loves pancakes. He can't get enough of them. Some people have breakfast for dinner once and awhile as a treat, but Franklin has had pancakes for every meal for the past decade. You see his mother didn't approve of them. You see Franklin's father left her for the waitress who worked at the diner that would go to every week after church. Every week he would order a half-stack and silently flirt. One day he ordered a full-stack and once he polished them all off he announced that he was leaving the family, grabbed the waitress by the hand and disappeared into the summer sun. Franklin's mother never really recovered. To try and save face she blamed it all on the “devil's flapjacks” as she called them. From the time he was 7 until he left home at 18 Franklin never tasted another johnnycake. He would never let his mother know the truth, but as soon as he left home his obsession took hold and he ate battery goodness at every chance. He would drown them in maple syrup and just dig in. Sure he gained a lot of weight, but wasn't it worth it for that forbidden fruit?

Franklin eventually got a job at Tommyknocker soda brewery. He started as janitor, but slowly worked his way up to brewmaster general. It was then and only then that his genius was released on the world. Franklin put together a recipe that was sure to turn the soda world on its ear. He somehow successfully combined the nation's love of root beer with his own love of pancakes. Don't ask me how, I certainly don't know. He keeps his recipe locked tightly in the safe that is his mind. All I know is that the Tommyknocker root beer tastes like a nice vanilla and licorice heavy root beer that has been infused with liquefied pancakes that had drowned in a sea of syrup. It's strange. I'm not a fan of maple syrup myself, so I'm not a huge fan of this, but if you are this will leave you in a sticky sweet heaven.

If you love nutmeg then you will love this soda. I honestly don't taste much pumpkin in it at all, but it has so much awesome nutmeg flavor that I don't care. This is what I imagine a pumpkin pie would taste like if the cap on the nutmeg accidentally fell off when the baker was pouring it in. At that point they already had so much work put into it that they just mixed it all up and hoped for the best. I know a lot of people would hate to eat that pumpkin pie, but I would have at least 3 slices of that delicious mistake.

It's 1920. You are eighteen, just graduated from high school and have your whole life ahead of you. You put on your hat, suit, and nice shoes and head to the market. You get some soap, fresh fruits and vegetables, and some meat for supper. Supper is what they called "dinner" in those days. You've got to check on the status of your car so you head to the mechanic across the street. It's dusty today. Your new dark gray slacks are taking a hit. Mother will be very upset that she's going to have to clean them. It's not your fault. If they would only cover the street with something everyone's pants wouldn't get all muddy. After all, that's how you lost a tire. After that big rain, holes and mud was everywhere and essentially stole the tire right off your car.

The mechanic is sitting down, covered in dust, dirt, oil, and grease. He's drinking something but you can't tell what it is from across the street. You walk up to him and ask how your car is. He tells you that you just needed a new axle and it was done. You looked at his drink and it was one of those new Blackman juices everyone has been talking about. You asked the mechanic where he got it because you were finally going to get one. He said that the market you just came from had them but they were in the back so you probably didn't see them. You paid the man, threw your groceries in you newly fixed car, and headed back towards the market. You finally found the juice after having to ask two different associates where they were. You decided on the pear apple juice since you love both of those fruits. You pay the cashier, head outside, and sit in your car. You open up the bottle and take a sip. "Ahhhhh" you say. It's a fifty-fifty split between your favorite hand fruits. Naturally sweetened by apples, tasting like apples, and tasting like pears all at the same time. Now you know what everyone was talking about. Blackman has done it again. You're going to have to do an extra good job at shining his shoes next time he sees you. He deserves it after this concoction.

You get in your car, tip you hat to the mechanic who fixed your car, and headed to your job as a shoesmith for wingtips and loafers for the rest of the day. If it's not too late, maybe you'll try your luck at some of the other flavors the market's got.

I woke up today with a sore throat. I thought it was just one of those morning sore throats and it would eventually go away. I'm sad to say that it's not, 7 hours later and it still hurts. What does this have to do with this tea? Well I learned the hard way that drinking a sugary drink does not help a sore throat. In fact, I probably made it worse.

I wish I had waited until my throat wasn't hurting to drink this because it's pretty delicious. It has a really strong and juicy peach flavor to it. It's possibly one of the best peach tea's I've ever had. Sadly though, it hurts my throat with every sip. Now I'm trying to retrace my steps to try and figure out how I might have gotten a sore throat. Wish me luck.

For a few years I thought of how great it would be if someone would market cereal milk. All different kinds, but particularly Fruity Pebbles and Golden Grams. There is nothing better than that flavor infused cream after you've finished the "solids" portion of your two course breakfast cereal. It's like drinking the bathwater of the gods and sometimes, before moving onto that final stage, I refresh the first, making the inevitable payload that much more savory. It's a harrowing exercise of will power to be certain but like any work-out or period of time without smoking cigarettes, it's more than worth it once you cross that finish line. It is, essentially, the bathwater of TWO gods now. Perhaps they bathed together. Maybe there was just a water shortage and they needed to conserve so as long as the temperature remained comfortable they just wouldn't drain it in-between baths. There is no limit to their hygienic routines as long as your imagination is healthy.

What I'm saying is, though this might sound like a good idea to some (or no one after that unfortunate analogy), I have found upon drinking HYPER MALT ENERGY DRINK that cereal milk is only delicious because the person drinking it worked so hard to make it. This energy drink tastes like someone took a bowl of apple juice, emptied the contents of a box of Wheaties into it, let it sit in the sun for a few days, took it back inside, gagged heartily, then ran the fluid through a colander into a bottle which went directly into my mouth. I don't see cereal milk being a big hit for anyone looking to be refreshed, and I don't see HYPER MALT ENERGY DRINK being a big hit for anyone looking to be energized. Unless of course you only need the energy required to hurriedly rush to the bathroom to spit it out before going back to watching Maury Povich like I did this morning. But at least it saved me the tens of thousands of dollars I was going to invest in my new milk company.

---

When I asked Keith to rate the drink he said "0 of 5. No wait, NEGATIVE 0 of 5." Our scale only goes to "1" but keep in mind that if it was possible, it would be below that.