Coffee - 242 Reviews

Vita Coco Cafe Mocha

Vita Coco Cafe Mocha
This feels like some sort of riddle; what do you get when you mix mediocre coconut water with espresso? A mixture I could take or leave that also has milk in it for some reason. Really though, why is the milk here? Isn't the coconut water supposed to act as the milk like substance? It's as if they combined espresso, chocolate and milk to create a normal mocha drink, and then watered it down with coconut water. It's like the coconut water was more of an afterthought rather than an integral part of the creating process.

For those of you out there, like me, who are not huge coffee fans, this has a bearable coffee flavoring. Unfortunately the chocolate isn't as strong as I would like it to be. Coco Cafè came out with a similar product a while ago and they achieved what this was reaching for and missed.
Rating
πŸ₯›πŸ₯›πŸ₯›πŸ₯›πŸ₯›
Categories
Coconut and Coffee
Company
Vita CocoWebsite@VitaCoco
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Author
Jason Draper on 6/3/14, 5:33 PM
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Royal Mills Iced Coffee

Royal Mills Iced Coffee
Basketball star Wayne Cruddish could not manage to get a sponsor. No one was knocking down his door trying to get him to endorse their products. No one wanted a custom Cruddish shoe. No one bought his jersey. No one was interested in a Cruddish cereal. It's not that he was a bad player. He was actually quite good. He scored a lot of baskets and his coach and teammates loved having him on the team. He wasn't bad looking and always gave to charity and shared his wealth with his community. Everyone liked him but no one wanted his face on anything for some reason. That was until he heard a knock at the door.

He walked to the door and a man with dark glasses said, "King Mills" would like to see you, sir." and Wayne obliged. Just then, a limo pulled up, a red carpet rolled out up to the front door and a short man barely if at all five feet tall hopped out of the car. He looked at Wayne, nodded his head to the man at the door and the man gave Wayne a document. Wayne asked what it was and the man said that the king had chosen him to endorse their iced coffee from Hawaii. Wayne said he had never heard of the drink and the man with the glasses went back to the car, got a can, and brought it to him to drink. Wayne took a nice, big drink and thought for a moment. Wayne told the king that he liked the drink and would be happy to endorse it. He liked that it was smooth, had a rich coffee taste and wasn't too sweet. He appreciated the fact that it was made with real sugar and that the coffee was Hawaiian. He said that he could tell there was a little diet in there but that sucrose was better than aspartame so he shook the king's little hand, signed the document and made the deal.

The man with the glasses went back to limo, opened the trunk, and got two cases of the iced coffee and handed them to Wayne along with a check for $87. He said that he will receive check like that every month as well as a case each month that he endorses the product. Wayne thanked him and closed the door. He was not an endorser of products that he always wanted.
Rating
πŸ₯›πŸ₯›πŸ₯›πŸ₯›πŸ₯›
Categories
Coffee
Company
Royal Mills
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Author
Mike Literman on 5/20/14, 1:29 PM
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Royal Mills Island Mocha

Royal Mills Island Mocha
Mocha: the adult version of chocolate milk. This is a pretty inarguable fact if you ask me, which you won't. What? I'm just being honest. Also, what's to ask? Mocha is coffee, sure, but it's also chocolate, which super negates the adulthood of coffee. Sure, adults eat chocolate and there is nothing childish about it but something about mixing the two together makes it some sort of "kid in a grown up's body." This is the equivalent of the late, great Mitch Hedberg's joke, "Fettuccine Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."

This is good, though. It's good at sharing between the coffee and chocolate and the sweetness is a good, short-lived thing. You don't really get a lot of these canned coffee drinks that are too bad but this is one of the better mocha ones I've had. Still is a bit different than the ones you would get at a coffee shop but it's probably the milk that is used there is "real" versus the milk that is in here which somehow defies science and all refrigeration standards. This goes back and forth between coffee to chocolate to coffee again and that's a nice trip.

For the youth (silent "H") in you, have a mocha. If you want to stop being so stuffy with your ties and tie clips and cufflinks and slacks, have a mocha. Mocha, for those who aren't ready to grow up. Mocha, to prove that you're still "Cool." Mocha, a drink for those who still really like video games but have trouble waking up in the morning. Mocha, for those you who think that as an adult you have to go to coffee shops but don't like coffee. Mocha, for everyone.
Rating
🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾
Categories
Coffee
Company
Royal Mills
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Author
Mike Literman on 4/24/14, 10:39 AM
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Zola Coconut Water Espresso

Zola Coconut Water Espresso
Look at you with your designer jeans and sunglasses that cost as much as a months rent. You are so cool, you and your fancy Italian loafers with matching tie and Spider Veloce. You're so cool. Well look at me. Sure I dress like I have for the last twenty years but I'm cool, too, right? I'm drinking two cool things; espresso and coconut water. Those are cool things, right? It's important to be cool. It's how we put ourselves on imaginary pedestals. This is good stuff, too. I might not have the finer things like those dope brown kid leather driving gloves that beautifully match your wooden steering wheel and stick shift. This drink though brother, this drink is smooth and only half tastes like coconut. The coffee isn't totally too strong like you might like it in your Italian mind with your glorious hair. Look, bro. I'll say it. I don't care. You've got great hair. Try this, dude. No, I'm'a call you "dude" right? You're talking to me and I'm going to talk to you like you're talking to me. This is a good drink. I don't know what kind of standards you are used to but seriously this is good. You know what? I'm done. No. I'm done with you. You and your beautiful tight fade and tight beard. Peace, bruh. You are an elitist. I'm trying to share with you and you're being a real jerk. Now I'm the elitist. Peace.
Rating
🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷
Categories
Coconut and Coffee
Company
ZolaWebsite@drinkzola
Country
Thailand
Sweetener
Evaporated Cane Juice
Author
Mike Literman on 4/22/14, 12:28 PM
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Vemma Verve! Mojoe

Vemma Verve! Mojoe
Oh the mid-day slumps. On a gorgeous Friday evening after a seemingly endless winter, it's in the sixties outside and my body is craving the vitamin D that only doctor sun can prescribe my pale, pale skin. These Vemma drinks have been pretty good to us but this one is ravaging my poor body. It's fine. It's my fault. I only sparingly drink coffee or energy drinks but this one hit me really fast and really hard. Once again, I'm not counting this against them and you, as an energy drink drinker (working title) might like that instant jolt. Since I've covered half of this drink, the other half, proud residents of Coffeetown, need their fill. As a coffee drink it's oddly smooth and even though cane sugar is the primary sweetener, or at least the one towards the top of the list, that Reb A is shining through. It's not bad, but it's in there and you know it. I had to search for it in the rather long list of ingredients. I think Vemma is trying to make this healthier than "the other guys" but putting mangosteen, aloe vera, and green tea in there but what you get is an oddly smooth, pretty sweet, coffee flavored drink. Is it a lose? No. Is it a bad? No. It's just kind of "fine" because it's so much going on. Satin sheets seem like a good idea until you have to sleep in them and they keep getting kicked off you by your dumb lover, am I right? That's what this is. This drink is your idea of a sexy sheet but the realization that it's too much to handle.
Rating
🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺
Categories
Energy Drink and Coffee
Company
VemmaWebsite@Vemma
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Cane Sugar
Author
Mike Literman on 4/18/14, 3:55 PM
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Dunkin' Donuts Iced Coffee Cookies & Cream

Dunkin' Donuts Iced Coffee Cookies & Cream
Buying this drink made me realize one thing; I don't know how to order coffee. Dunkin' Donuts comes out with this new line of ice cream flavored iced coffee and people, much like me, are lured in. People, much like me, who don't order coffee line up around the corner like Bruce Springsteen tickets went on sale and it's 1987, in anticipation of new drinks.

I go to the little window and order a cookies and cream and the man says, "How do you want it?" to which I not very eloquently and with complete lack of knowledge of how coffee works, "I don't know. However it comes." to which I am challenged with that worst possible response, "It comes however you order it." and I sigh since there is nothing left inside of me as that response might has well have punched me in the stomach in which to knock all the air out and I say, "I don't know. One cream and one sugar." which passed the test and I was on my way.

Now I handled the cup from the little window on down to my cup holder and when I brought my hand back up, it smelled wonderful. It smelled like I was a kid and idiotically put my hands in ice cream. I looked forward to this drink. I got to work and started to drink. Something I must have left in the car was the flavor of this drink because it certainly was not in the cup. Did it jump out? Did it evaporate? Did they forget to put it in the cup and only put some on the outside of the cup? Who knows for sure but what I tasted and what I smelled were two different things. The contents of the cup were nothing more than an iced coffee that you could get anywhere. Yeah, it was good, but it wasn't anything that a regular iced coffee isn't. I assume they did everything right but this tastes nothing like I wanted or expected. What do I know besides gaining the sad knowledge of learning that I don't know how to order coffee like an adult and that when I drink coffee, I get awful shakes and probably shouldn't be drinking the stuff in the first place? Nothing, for I am truly and imbecile. I might as well put my hands in ice cream because I am no smarter than my dumb three year old son.
Rating
🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺
Categories
Coffee
Company
Dunkin' DonutsWebsite@DunkinDonuts
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Author
Mike Literman on 4/7/14, 12:47 PM
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Refocus Sparkling Green Coffee Energy Beverage Pink Grapefruit

Refocus Sparkling Green Coffee Energy Beverage Pink Grapefruit
Alright people we need to focus here. We've been in this lab working for what seems like weeks on a new energy drink. Okay, I understand that you've been focusing, and that no one wants to be stuck in this lab, but let's refocus, because Mark's little cloning experiment over there in the corner, is proof that focus has been lost.

What are people looking for in an energy drink? It's certainly not another Red Bull clone, because there are obscene amounts of them in the market. How about coffee? You're right, people are a bit particular about their coffee, and a lot of people tend to not like it. Wait! I have it! What if we us green coffee been extract and not the brewed roasted kind everyone is used to? It's got a nice caffeine kick, but it doesn't taste anything like coffee, but it would be of interest to everyone.

Okay what next? Hmm, I've been hearing that people are skeptical about taurine, so let's keep it out of this drink. Let's stick with the caffeine from the green coffee and maybe add some ginseng and B vitamins. We'll keep this thing fairly natural with none of those chemicals that the other companies use. By doing that we'll be able to avoid the liquid candy taste that energy drinks have. We'll stick out in the market.

We're on to something here people. It just needs one more thing to make it pop. How about we lower the sugar and calorie count, but make sure it doesn't taste diet? No I'm not a magician with the powers to make zero calorie sweeteners taste good. We'll simply use both sugar and stevia. The blend will lower the calorie count a bit, but it will retain the sugar flavor.

We now have a base that is exactly what we needed. It's low calorie with out tasting diet, it doesn't have the chemical taste that most energy drinks have, and it's unique flavor wise because of the green coffee extract. I personally think we could go to market with this, but let's add some other flavorings so we can have a line of drinks, instead of just one product. Mark, what is your clone doing to the mixture? Oh he's adding some pink grapefruit flavoring, well that sounds nice. Actually, I wish it had a stronger flavor. It's definitely pink grapefruit in there, but it's doesn't have the sour taste that would make it taste like real juice was used. I know you did you some real juice, but people won't be able to tell from this flavor. It's just a bit dull. I mean it's good enough to go to market, but my personal tastes want it to be a bit more present.

Mark, you and your clone are fired. No it's not because of the pink grapefruit thing, actually that was fine. It's because you never participate and you created a fully gestated clone while we were supposed to be making an energy drink. I don't care if you're my nephew. I'll deal with my sister's complaints when I get home.
Rating
🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺
Categories
Coffee and Energy Drink
Company
RefocusWebsite
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Author
Jason Draper on 4/4/14, 6:06 PM
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Dunkin' Donuts Iced Coffee Jamoca Almond Fudge Swirl

Dunkin' Donuts Iced Coffee Jamoca Almond Fudge Swirl
They taketh away and they giveth back. They recently closed my Arby's. Tears streaming down my face, right? Swimming in a sea of my salty sadness, I dealt with my loss of a local Jamocha shake. As soon as I shook it like a love lost, Dunkin' Donuts twists the knife and releases this guy and they do it well.

I don't know about "ice cream flavors" unless you're got very refined tastes but that's what this was released under the collection "Ice Cream Flavors." Cookie Dough and Butter Pecan yes. I have had those ice creams. Jamocha Almond Fudge Swirl sounds like a great ice cream that just doesn't exist yet. That being said I've got a small iced coffee version of it inside of me and am pleased to say that it can stay as long as it wants because it was rather great. Good coffee taste but well rounded by the chocolate and/or fudge. The almond I couldn't really get but I didn't miss it. Sure I love almonds and if I died today, the mortician would say, "Man, I can't believe that Dunkin' Donuts just kept stabbing him but this kid sure did eat a lot of almonds. Also here are all the pennies that he ate as a kid that didn't get digested. There is thirteen cents in here. Here, Tom, we'll split it since you're holding his ribcage open and have earned your cut."

A small was enough. Anyone who gets a larger one clearly doesn't know what a vegetable is and should be both mentally and physically evaluated.
Rating
🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺
Categories
Coffee
Company
Dunkin' DonutsWebsite@DunkinDonuts
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Author
Mike Literman on 4/4/14, 11:56 AM
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UCC Kona Blend Coffee with Milk

UCC Kona Blend Coffee with Milk
As far as sweetened, canned, iced coffee drinks go, this is on the better side. I don't drink coffee. I only drink energy drinks when they have to be reviewed. My body doesn't know how to handle pure caffeine so I try and stick to what my body can tolerate which is, at most, small mochas and tea.

This is more coffee than I am used to in these drinks. It's one rung above "lightly sweetened" and you can really taste the coffee in it. Seeing as though I don't know my blends or regions of coffees, I will say rather objectively that I think this is on the lighter side of blends and that it was pretty good. A coffee drinker at the office sampled it and said that it tasted pretty true to a good Kona blend.

There you have it. Coffee drinkers and people who don't really drink coffee too much agree; this is a good canned coffee. What more could you ask for?
Rating
πŸ₯›πŸ₯›πŸ₯›πŸ₯›πŸ₯›
Categories
Coffee
Company
UCCWebsite
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Author
Mike Literman on 4/1/14, 9:49 PM
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Tim Horton's Latte Cinnamon Bun

Tim Horton's Latte Cinnamon Bun
Don't quote me on this like I'm quoting someone else on this, but don't they say that if you do acid four times you can be considered certifiably insane? I would say the same thing about anyone who eats Cinnabon four times. Cinnabon is great the first two times and anything after that is masochistic and just gluttonous. If you took a Cinnabon, made it not "Andre The Giant" sized and scraped ninety-six percent of the frosting off, you might have yourself a nice treat.

This drink was a bit reminiscent of those painful experiences of being really hungry while simultaneously having a gnarly sweet tooth and being stuck on the interstate. It smells good and tastes good but a couple sips in you feel that feeling of "Wait...did I just eat my fourth slice of pizza?" or "Hold on, was this bag of chips half way empty when I started or did I just eat a whole bag of chips myself?" Guilt and shame. This is a sweet drink. Oh, sure it tastes like cinnamon buns but are drinks really supposed to taste like cinnamon buns? It might not be hard to imagine if Tim Horton's came forward and said, "Well what we do is put coffee and a cinnamon bun into a blender, set it to liquefy, have a handful of Timbits, and come back five minutes later and serve it to the customer."

Cinnabon, I may have retired from "Cinnabonning", but I will commend you with a medal of honor for somehow holding strong through many diet fads. You have always been twelve plus times more unhealthy than Krispy Kreme and they couldn't hack it. You are still here and I commend you. I can only assume that there are some fat politicians on your side for undisclosed, not really legal reasons.
Rating
πŸ§ƒπŸ§ƒπŸ§ƒπŸ§ƒπŸ§ƒ
Categories
Coffee
Company
Tim Horton'sWebsite@TimHortonsNews
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Author
Mike Literman on 3/24/14, 11:52 AM
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McDonalds McCafe Chocolate Covered Strawberry Frappè

McDonalds McCafe Chocolate Covered Strawberry Frappè
We are lucky enough to have a McDonald's with a Playplace pretty close to our house. It's nice because when it's terrible outside it's close and my son loves it. He loves the slides and loves the tubes. We went only to discover that it's gone. They have since turned the Playplace into a dining area. Bummer. He and I both agreed that it was a bummer. We went in and decided since we made the drive we should at least get something to eat. I got a McGriddle, which was nothing short of a masterpiece, and my buddy got a parfait, which he might have taken three bites of.

I also got the "limited time only" Chocolate Covered Strawberry Frappe. I enjoy their frappes. This one though, I wish it wasn't a limited time so everyone could enjoy it. I mean it. This thing was great. It had tons of whipped cream with strawberry sauce on it atop of a strawberry chocolate frosty treat. The icing on the cake? Chocolate chips jammed all upside in it; Little bits here and there of fantastic, chocolaty goodness.

I really liked it. It was sweet it really tasted like strawberries and it was just something wonderful. Which brings me to the painful reality that is real life. I opened the door and my buddy was splashing around in a puddle, which I naturally disapproved of. I put the parfait and the frappe, two rhyming foods, on the roof while I got him in the car and in the split second it took me to do it, a gust of wind came from the heavens and knocked my food off the roof. "Son of a gun!" I exclaimed. It was alright. I got him in the car. Then, as luck, which I do not believe in, would have it, another gust of wind came and blew everything off the roof again. My mistake. Happens once; fool on you. Happens twice; fool on me. Then, a 180 happened when I saw none other than The Hamburglar. Everything was instantly fine again and I got to teach my little buddy who the Hamburglar was. An important lesson a father can pass down to his son.
Rating
🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾
Categories
Coffee and Milk
Company
McDonaldsWebsite@McDonalds
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Author
Mike Literman on 3/17/14, 3:09 PM
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Beaumont Coffee Iced Coffee Caramel

Beaumont Coffee Iced Coffee Caramel
Carol typically has good self-control. Typically being the key word. Sometimes, well, she cheats. When she cheats, she cheats. She takes one bite out of a piece of pizza and the lights go out and she disappears for an hour. Next time you see her, she's mad at herself for eating an entire pizza and everyone is mad at her because she ate the entire party pizza.

She tried really hard to make things work for herself. She tried doing things like meal replacement shakes, chia seeds, countless snacks of vegetables, and so much more. She just had a sweet tooth. She needed something. She was sitting at the office having a cup of coffee when she noticed that someone had brought in individually wrapped caramels. She hadn't had one since she would visit her grandma's house so she ate one. Then she took a sip of coffee. The flavors melded together nicely and she eventually did the deed; she made a new cup of coffee and dropped a whole caramel in, waited a minute, and went at it. She loved it.

Carol had found her vice. It was a little kid friendly and a little adult. It wasn't too sweet but the caramel pushed through the coffee just enough that it made her feel good. Also, it was just unhealthy tasting enough that she couldn't finish a cup of coffee. Her limit was reached and self-control was back in place.
Rating
πŸ§ƒπŸ§ƒπŸ§ƒπŸ§ƒπŸ§ƒ
Categories
Coffee
Company
Beaumont Coffee
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Author
Mike Literman on 3/9/14, 8:46 PM
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Coco Cafe Vanilla

Coco Cafe Vanilla
Welcome to Coco Cafè where everything we serve is made with coconuts. Sure it limits what we have to offer and to be honest we have kind of a niche clientele, but we do what we do and if you don't like it you can get your nutrition elsewhere. Oh, you're going to be adventurous and stay, well la-ti-da Mr. Fancypants. May I suggest you try our coconut on a half shell? It's really just a coconut cut in half and a knife/fork combo. What can I say; our chef isn't very good in the kitchen. What he lacks in cooking, he sure makes up for in beverages though. Here try one of these coconut lattes on the house. Today he whipped up some vanilla ones, and they are a little bit of okay.

To make these drinks chef starts off with a mess of coconut water and adds a splash of reduced fat milk in it. I don't know why, I think he has some weird vendetta against vegans. I heard his fiancè ran off with an activist or something and now he's all jaded and bitter. Anyways, he then dumps a shot of espresso into that mixture, topping it all off with just a dash of vanilla extract. I personally could use a little bit more of the vanilla because it's kind of hard to find it under the espresso flavor. This really just tastes like a nicer coffee with a whole lot of coconut milk in it that has been moderately sweetened. Even though it's fairly simple it really does taste nice. It also makes coffee refreshing, which is an added bonus.

You know what? We should probably just close up this restaurant and go into the drink business. This whole exclusive coconut dish thing was a dumb idea from the get go.
Rating
πŸ§ƒπŸ§ƒπŸ§ƒπŸ§ƒπŸ§ƒ
Categories
Coconut and Coffee
Company
Coco CafeWebsite@cococafe
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Author
Jason Draper on 2/22/14, 12:14 PM
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Black Medicine Iced Coffee

Black Medicine Iced Coffee
The scene is the Middle Ages. The life expectancy is somewhere around 40 years, as long as you can make it through early childhood without catching some sort of plague. Think of it, people had mid life crises' when they were 20. Strange times indeed. There also were no sewer systems, so everything smelled like human waste and life was just generally terrible for peasants. To combat all of the disease and pestilence floating around people took to herbal remedies and more often than would probably be admitted, the black arts. The thing is that what they considered the work of the devil, we consider science and an everyday occurrence.

Just picture it some schlep is looking for a way to help him stay awake, and give him an energy boost while he's toiling away at some task all day that ensures his family well being (or at least continued existence). He buys a magic potion that does just that. He thinks he's consorting with evil spirits, so this gives him a moral conundrum, but the potion works marvelously. Yeah, that guy was just drinking coffee. He more than likely could have been burned at the stake for practicing witchcraft or some such thing, simply for enjoying a few sips of liquid caffeine. Sad, strange times they were.

I don't know if this is where Black Medicine got their name, but I'd like to think it was. They certainly have one of the best labels I've ever seen. It's dark, but easily readable with nice silver lettering and some rad embossment.

I thought this was going to be cold brewed coffee, as the majority (if not all) of the fancy, pre-bottled coffees we've reviewed have been. It is in fact brewed hot (in small batches). Now neither Mike nor I are coffee experts by any means. We don't hate the stuff, but it's rare that we drink it. To me it tasted like like a strong cup of iced coffee (actually the only way I really ever drink the stuff). I had a couple of friends taste it and one said it tasted like he left his coffee in his car and drank it at a later time. My coffee snob girlfriend says it tastes old, but she says that about every bottled coffee. I will say that it tastes less bitter than any other black coffee I have drunk, so that is a plus. I actually don't mind it at all. I had expected to take a few sips and then pass it off to someone else to finish, but I've found myself hoarding the rest after they each took a sip. It looks like Black Medicine is doing something right.

Flirt with the darkness as you get your morning fix my friends.
Rating
πŸ₯ƒπŸ₯ƒπŸ₯ƒπŸ₯ƒπŸ₯ƒ
Categories
Coffee
Company
Black MedicineWebsite@bmicedcoffee
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Author
Jason Draper on 2/19/14, 5:38 PM
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Starbucks Chocolate Chai

Starbucks Chocolate Chai
My quest might be over. Jay and I had a bit of a "date day" today. We ran all sorts of assorted errands like buying a microphone, replacing a headlight, duplicating a key, and so much more. One of our stops, midway through the way, was a trip to Starbucks. He read my previous review about my new quest of finding the ideal chocolate chai and how what I'm looking for just might not exist. Well friends, he changed my opinions on that matter by introducing me to Starbucks chocolate chai.

This chai, was in all regards, superior to any other chocolate chai I have ever had. Not only can you taste a strong chocolate flavor but it also has bite, brother. It's downright spicy with its nutmeg or cinnamon or wizardry or whatever else makes up a chai. Sure it was the temperature of the sun when I was handed to me and I left it in the car while Jay and I ran more errands but when I got back, it couldn't have been more "go time" if it tried. This, without a doubt, is my new drink. Goodbye childish hot cocoa. Goodbye adult hot chocolate mocha. Hello Eastern treat chocolate chai. Eastern right? You have a little debate about that. I'm leaving it there.
Rating
🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾
Categories
Coffee and Hot Tea
Company
StarbucksWebsite@starbucks
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Author
Mike Literman on 1/25/14, 10:37 PM
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Tim Horton's Cappuccino English Toffee

Tim Horton's Cappuccino English Toffee
If bakers know one thing, it's that measurements count. "Heaping" is not a word that bakers use. "Heaping" is a work that cooks use. Learn how to measure, cooks. While making this drink, I was ordered by the Canadian Government that is Tim Horton's to use three "heaping" teaspoons to water. This drink is weak. Weak, son. Get that weak stuff out of here. I am not completely penalizing them because I could have just added more stuff but when I follow directions to their ranged rate, there is clearly room for error since "heaping" is a variable amount.

What does it taste like? It tastes like cappuccino that you might get from a gas station but not as good. Something about those crappy gas station blends are good. It's just that it's so much like an adult hot chocolate that it borders on just a mockery of coffee related drinks and pure, unadulterated garbage. As for the English Toffee, eh, I guess if you left a Heath bar in a crappy cup of cappuccino that it would taste a bit like this so that is a pass. This whole drink is a pass. If this were a graded class, it would be a C+. It would do better on a pass/fail scale where everyone is either one or the other with no quality, just pass or fail.
Rating
πŸ₯›πŸ₯›πŸ₯›πŸ₯›πŸ₯›
Categories
Coffee and Mix/Concentrate
Company
Tim Horton'sWebsite@TimHortonsNews
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sugar
Author
Mike Literman on 1/2/14, 11:34 AM
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Bolthouse Farms Limited Edition Peppermint Mocha

Bolthouse Farms Limited Edition Peppermint Mocha
Dear Everyone,

We all agree that candy canes aren't very good, correct? The flavor is just okay, and there is too much substance to them, at least for a mint. On top of that at some point in their consumption they become flat out messy. Sticky faces, sticky hands, or worse yet, sticky gloves. They just aren't worth it. I mean if you absolutely need that flavor in your life, which I highly doubt anyone does, just eat a starlight mint. I understand the holiday esthetic has a lot to do with this particular candy persevering, but some on. Enough is enough.

The reason for the above rant is because this tastes like someone brewed some coffee with the wrong proportions of grounds to water, and while it was still the temperature of the sun they melted a handful of candy canes into it. It's something that a dumb kid would do. Let's be honest here, it's something I would have done when I was a kid…€¦or you know in the past couple of weeks, just to see how it would work/taste. After that they duped some cocoa in it and way too much milk. The result is that this has a base of a very weak coffee with not enough chocolate in it to make it taste like a real mocha. The peppermint flavor just sits on top of everything like it owns the place. Lucky for us this jerk is only seasonal and he won't be mucking up our drinks for much longer. I mean sure it definitely has a Christmassy taste to it, but it just could have been done better.

Bolthouse products are normally better than average, but they haven't been doing that good of a job getting the recipes right for these seasonal flavors. Don't worry your regularly scheduled programs will be on soon.
Rating
πŸ₯ƒπŸ₯ƒπŸ₯ƒπŸ₯ƒπŸ₯ƒ
Categories
Coffee
Company
Bolthouse FarmsWebsite@BolthouseFarms
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Author
Jason Draper on 12/30/13, 1:39 PM
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Bolthouse Farms Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Latte

Bolthouse Farms Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Latte
My ladyfriend works at Starbucks and come early fall the customers their lose their minds. People are constantly asking about their pumpkin spice lattes and then they will be available. It got so bad that I think it was actually released early this year. I've had them before and I think they taste decent enough, but I don't understand the power it has over people. It paints two images in my head; the first is that of zombies wanting nothing more out of life than sweet, sweet brains and the other is junkies wanting nothing more out of life than their sweet, sweet fix. All three things are sweet, sweet, so it's fitting.

This year Bolthouse Farms decided to release a limited edition seasonal line of beverages. The first one I saw hit the shelves was their take on the pumpkin spice latte. While I don't think this will have the same effect as the other does on the patrons of said coffee shop, it just may be enough to hold them over. I don't know why it would need to hold them over though, since they are both seasonal, and available at the same time.

In it's purest form this is a coffee beverage made with Arabica coffee. For me the problem is in the fact that there is way more milk in here than coffee. Yes, I know that's what a latte is, but I'm used to the soy variety, so this is a lot of milk for me to handle. So yeah, they take this coffee flavored milk and then add some spices and real pumpkin puree. I assure you that you can most definitely taste the pumpkin in this. There are a whole slew of pumpkin flavored products on the market these days, and most of them just taste like the spices that are used in a pumpkin pie. This taste more like the actual pumpkin, and it's interesting. As a side effect of that the amount of spices in here are lower than I would prefer, but you take what you can get in this crazy world of fancy beverages.

My final diagnosis is that if this contained more coffee, more spices and was soy based instead of primarily dairy based it would be one hell of a drink. Of course it would probably be a different drink entirely, but I know what the body wants and now so do you.
Rating
🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺
Categories
Coffee and Milk
Company
Bolthouse FarmsWebsite@BolthouseFarms
Country
United States
Sweetener
Agave Nectar
Author
Jason Draper on 12/19/13, 1:55 PM
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McDonalds McCafe Peppermint Mocha

McDonalds McCafe Peppermint Mocha
Hey dad. Thanks for making me this peppermint hot cocoa. I really needed it after shoveling the driveway this morning. It's good. Are you using that syrup that you put in your coffee? Oh, you use it for mom's coffee? Why is that? Really? She burns it? You know, I have noticed lately that she has gotten really lazy and leaves it on the warmer for too long. It smells like a roastery in here sometimes. I don't know why they smell so bad. The smell of coffee is pretty good but the smell of making coffee is terrible. It smells like somewhere a coffee shop is on fire. Oh, shh. Dad. She's coming. Hey mom. Yeah, I did shovel the driveway. I got up about six this morning. I knew you guys had to go to work and I was already up for some reason. I am tired. No...Mom...I am not drinking coffee...this is...cocoa...mom...no. Oh, man. You got coffee in my hot cocoa and, yep, it's burnt. Ugh. No, mom. I'm not insulting you. I'm just saying that this coffee is burnt and now this drink tastes like mint hot cocoa with burnt coffee in it. No mom. I'm not saying that I can make a better cup myself. I'm just saying. Mom, don't get upset. I just said that this pot of coffee was burnt. I'm not disrespecting you. Oh, come on...jeez. Dad. She just stormed out. I think she just did a burnout in the driveway. Well, hopefully she won't burn the coffee any more, right dad? Grounded? What a jip.
Rating
πŸ₯ƒπŸ₯ƒπŸ₯ƒπŸ₯ƒπŸ₯ƒ
Categories
Coffee
Company
McDonaldsWebsite@McDonalds
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Author
Mike Literman on 12/3/13, 3:30 PM
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Seattle's Best Coffee Frozen Coffee Blends Mega Mocha

Seattle's Best Coffee Frozen Coffee Blends Mega Mocha
Ahh the blender: one of the least used appliances in my kitchen. I've got a novelty hot dog maker that I use tenfold over the blender. I've got a food processor that I use predominantly to mix up cooked vegetables to hide in Mac & Cheese so my dumb son will eat healthy. I know I said that I'm against it, but kids nowadays. Jesus Christ. What a bunch of idiots. Eat some damn peas.

Blender...right...prep for this couldn't be easier. A little bit of milk in the blender, pour in the contents of the bag, mix, done. Well, yes, it is kind of like that but not really. I thought we had a good mixer. My girlfriend makes healthy smoothies like four days a week with it but when it comes to frozen chunks of chocolate this thing threw the ingredients to the side like an Italian mother throws properly cooked spaghetti at the wall. I had to blend, push down with a wooden spoon, blend, spoon, blend, spoon, to the point where I said, "Screw this. It's done." I poured it into a cup where there was no way in hell I was ever going to get it through a straw so I had to use a spoon. I almost shouldn't be reviewing this since I couldn't drink it but since it is technically a drink, a review had to be performed.

Was it good? Yeah. It was like a whipped chocolate ice cream that has a small hint of coffee to it. Disappointing? A bit. I would have liked this jerk to blend properly and I would have liked to actually drink it rather than eat it with a spoon out of a cup like I don't know how to operate any piece of silverware, appliance, and glassware in my whole house. Don't make me feel that way, bro.

You know who agrees with me but in a nicer, more photo-friendly way? Our dogg Marvo at The Impulsive Buy.
Rating
🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷
Categories
Coffee
Company
Seattle's Best CoffeeWebsite@seattlesbest
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Author
Mike Literman on 11/9/13, 10:27 PM
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