Coffee - 242 Reviews

"Here. Come try this," my boss says to me. Since I am rarely on the other side of that statement, I had no choice but to accept the request. I thought it was going to be a bad invitation but it was actually a "Here. Come try this. It's good." not "Here. Come try this. It's gross." which is the route I enjoy taking.

Did it taste like smores? Yes, sir or ma'am. Well, I should say that it tasted like the ingredients of smores. Think of a deconstructed smore. You initially get the coffee from the Frappuccino itself followed by a split second of chocolate, then a lot of marshmallow and then some graham cracker. They're all there but at different times. It's fine by me. It was a nice jolt of flavor to wake up my day and feed my recent childish addiction to smores. Never lose your inner child. Smores are a gift and a treat and a treasure.

Mocha is as close to coffee as I can get. You can call me what you want but I'll say it myself; I'm a weakling. I'm a shell of a man. I can't handle it. Your eighty year old grandma is more of a man than me. Cool. Now that that's out of the way, this is good. It's not only good but it's diet and good. Strange, right? It is, as advertised, sweet and creamy and pretty rich as well.

I think that it's getting pretty easy to eat and drink well. This is probably half the calories that a non-diet version would be and only tastes mildly more diet. We're getting there. Disguising diet stuff. That's the future. Not space. Not time travel. Things that are diet but don't taste diet. Screw you moon mining.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was at a coffee shop with Carl Sagan and John Waters and they were just laying into me because I didn't want to order coffee and I had a hankering for some tea. These guys were ruthless, and the homophobic slurs were being thrown around like they were nothing. When I questioned John Waters on how he was comfortable doing that, he just told me to stop being such a “Nancy.” I finally gave in and got a mocha latte with almond milk. I really just wanted a green tea latte, but those two would not leave me alone. They still mocked me saying that a mocha was a kids drink and that I should drink coffee black like a man.

What I was served was odd. It seemed like it was 80% almond milk with a shot added that was a mixture of coffee and chocolate. It wasn't bad, but it was just a coffee flavored almond milk and not coffee with almond milk added. I told my two companions that they were jerks and that because of them I got a drink that didn't satisfy any of our immediate wants. I then woke up from a daydream at my desk with a carton of Dream ¾ empty in front of me.

Two days in a row? Yeah, two lattes in two days. I don't know what I'm doing to myself. Whatever it is, someone hearing me complain about how jittery I am is inevitable. Let's move on to what happened when I ordered this drink.

Since no one knows how to do their job, of course there was an issue with ordering this item which was on their menu with giant banners and small banners and signs. Something about "Everyone who has been ordering the dark chocolate latte has been getting hot chocolate!" or "You're pressing the wrong button on the machine!" or something to that nature. I did get what I ordered and waited very patiently which the "barista" was very appreciative of. Here's what she lovingly put in it. She put in latte at the press of a button. Technology, right? No hand tapping or twisting or turning or any of that nonsense. Then she squeezed in some chocolate whip which they use(d) on their cold hot chocolate which was fantastic. Then it looked like they threw some chocolate chips but they weren't chocolate chips. They were chocolate covered rice balls and were awesome.

How was it? Well I can easily say that I will be buying it through this winter season. It was very good. Darker, more bitter with (c/k)rispies and a nice smoothness. It was exactly what I wanted it to be. Tim Horton would be proud.

I have been trying all day to try to figure out what type of person would eat a Pop tart while drinking this, as I did this morning. I think the answer is someone who hates themselves. Someone who hates their body, has given up counting calories, and forgotten the definition of the word fitness (at least for one meal).

Why would I say that? Pop Tarts are delicious but made for kids even though they're pretty awful for you and I feel guilty giving my kid Pop Tarts but sometimes there is no milk and we're out of alternatives. Append the fact that I'm pretty sure this is coffee that is held together by sugar because it is wildly, immensely, insanely sweet. It tastes more like caramel coffee than caramel mocha but it's not awful. If you can get past the fact that with each sip you have to sacrifice your least favorite toes and fingers, it's not bad. It still tastes like coffee and it's smooth and it tastes like what it's supposed to.

Dat sugar doe...

Was there anything more disappointing that when you were in home economics in high school and they told you that you were going to make snickerdoodles only to find out that there is nothing similar between Snickers candy bar and snickerdoodle cookies? What a complete bummer. To this date, I still get mad when I eat snickerdoodles. It's not that they're bad but they're no Snickers. I'll make you a Snicker cookie that would blow the lid off any of your dumb grandma's prized, award winning snickerdoodle cookies. Oh, I know they won the blue ribbon in Tennessee in 1953 against Mabel Johnson's apple pie but who gives a rip. Snickerdoodles will always be second to something with chocolate, caramel and nuts.

This, as disappointing as it may be, isn't bad. It's coffee and snickerdoodle. It would be like if you had a coffee and dipped a snickerdoodle in it and it broke off and you just went with the flow and let it marinate. It's sweet but cookies are sweet so if you didn't see that coming, you truly don't know what you're eating and have no imagination.

Also, if there was a fight, my maternal grandma would crush your grandma in a cook off. My paternal grandma would lose every time. No, not because she's dead but because she was a pretty terrible cook. She was a wonderful woman who lived through the Holocaust. It didn't enhance her cooking skills but what each of my grandmas was doing in their twenties was polarizingly different.

My ladyfriend, who is a coffee snob, and a great hater of all things that contain zero calorie sweeteners said, “That's not bad at all.” That is some serious high praise from someone such as her. Me, I'm not so impressed. I can't help but concentrate on the taste of the stevia, and the weird aftertaste it leaves. The coffee taste itself is more than decent, but honestly the caramel flavor gets lost in the stevia for me. I know it's there with its little scuba gear on just swimming around in a pool of sweetener. It wants to come out. It wants to shine. Why won't you let it stevia?

Jerry, I know you want everything but you can't have it. You're turning into a spoiled brat and we don't want to start you off on the wrong path. We want you to be a good kid. You don't see me getting everything I want. If I got everything I wanted, I wouldn't feel like I had to work for everything or work so hard. I learned early off that it was important to not want as much. It was important to set goals that I had to work for. Hard work pays off and if you get everything you want you will get lazy and dependent. I want you to be able to take care of yourself and if your mom and dad give you everything you want, you will just assume that you will always get everything you want and we can't have that. I am putting my foot down on this and I am saying that you cannot get what you want this time. I wish I could get what I wanted. Hold on your father is coming.

What's that honey? Oh, thank you. What is this? Iced coffee? Oh, thank you. Oh, it's almond milk, too. That's good; it will keep the calories down. Your father knows that I am on a diet. What else is in this? Oh, dark chocolate. Huh? This...this is everything I would want in a drink. Hold on a second Jerry. I want to try this. Oh. Oh wow. It's pretty good. It tastes like coffee; like it should but it also taste like there is some bitter dark chocolate in there. I can taste the almond milk, too. Wow. This is great. This is everything I would like in a drink. Thank you honey.

Now Jerry, what was I saying? You can't have everything you want but since your dad gave me everything I wanted right here in this one drink, I guess it will be alright for you to have this one thing this once. Don't let it get to your head and don't think that you can have everything now. Just this one thing. No one likes a brat.

Here's a question; if someone, such as myself, is not a fan of coffee, but enjoys a coffee beverage, what does that say about said beverage? Is it an exceptional coffee that has changed my mind, or has it gone off route from its coffee roots and in turn actual coffee fans won't like it? I'm going to guess somewhere in the middle. This is cold brewed coffee, milk and sugar. From the name I'm going to assume that the coffee involved equals a double shot of espresso. I think most coffee drinkers would embrace this drink. I could totally see my mom drinking this, but at the same time she is by no means a coffee connoisseur. My ladyfriend on the other hand would probably think this is gross. She is a barista, and thus is a coffee snob.

This tastes like coffee to me, but it's not very bitter. There's not too much sugar in here (7g) and the color is more brown than tan, so I'm going to assume the milk quantity is low as well. It's most definitely not black coffee, but you already knew that's not what you were getting yourself into. I think the enjoyablility rating of this is going to vary from person to person, so give it a try. At least they didn't use stevia like they did in their flavored versions.

Good. Good. Good. Good. Bitter. Bitter. Cold. That's the roller coaster that this drink takes. It's good for a while. It's got a good coffee taste. In hindsight I don't really taste any vanilla but the fact that it's not super coffee tasting I can only assume that it's partially due to the vanilla smoothing the edges like the nice router collecting dust in your late grandpa's basement. The bitter comes from the coffee. It's good. It tastes like a good, sweet, iced coffee. Where the cold comes from is the Stevia. It is quite dastardly in this drink. It somehow overpowers vanilla and coffee. It leaves you with a distracting cold that takes away from the otherwise good flavor of its brethren. How dare you. Show your elders some respect.

Let's be honest with ourselves, when you drink coffee out of a can you can't really expect a brew of very high quality. It's never going to be as good as getting something made at your local coffee shop, well unless that shop is run by a bunch of yokels who have no idea what they are doing. I've drunk a decent amount of these canned mochas and they range from horrible to decent. I've never been blown away by one before, until now...Oh wait, no this one didn't get me there either, although I really thought it would. It has a nice coffee flavor, and an exceptional chocolate taste to it. The problem is that they used a blend of sugar and stevia and that just throws the whole thing out of the window. I'm all for lowering the sugar intake of humans, but there are times when just using less sugar would be the better choice over using a zero calorie sweetener, natural or not. It almost always takes a nice, natural flavor and makes it feel wrong.

I don't want to dwell on the negative here though. If it wasn't for the inclusion of stevia, this would be the best canned coffee drink I have ever tasted. The chocolate would have been the secret of this drinks success. It actually tastes like a quality dark chocolate bar was melted down, and not like some garbage powder that most companies use. The fact that the coffee was cold brewed is also a nice touch. It's just too bad that one ingredient can knock down an otherwise really nice product.

Like a scene right out of Chapelle Show's "Pop Copy" skit, I walked in to Dunkin' Donuts and the employees were talking about not committing a crime because it wasn't worth going to jail and having something on their record. Fantastic. I, for one, enjoy catching little gems like that. At least these people have some sort of personality and aren't just robots behind a counter pressing buttons. As long as it doesn't affect my food, continue on, please. I find myself right now asking myself what it is that wasn't worth it. In between jail talk I managed to ask what a Dunkaccino was. Her response was that it was like a mocha but with a powder. I have reviewed Dunkin' Donuts mocha and it was disappointing. Why? Because they advertised it to me as "Oh, you mean a half hot chocolate and half coffee?" pulling the sheet off the magic trick. This was described with a bit less blatancy.

This tasted like hot cocoa with a touch, a dash of coffee. It wasn't bad. It went down pretty smoothly as if it was somehow "lighter" than regular hot cocoa. Frothy, perhaps.

At the end of the day, I'll probably get the jitters from a minimum amount of coffee-based caffeine like a wimp but hey, if the glove fits.

Recent studies suggest that coconuts kill five times more people than sharks. In an effort to curb these nauseating results, Harvest Bay went back to the drawing board and decided that they would mix their coconut water with iced coffee so that you can be faster and have more pep in your step so that you can avoid those pesky falling coconuts. Sure, they had to do a lot of testing and kill a lot of test subjects but they were murdering thieves so, you know, who cares? They would give them regular coconut water and throw coconuts at them. Then they would give them coconut water with iced coffee and they were faster for longer to help them avoid those dreaded coconuts.

The felons that lived described the coconut water with iced coffee in it as "Still pretty coconutty" and "lightly coffee'd." Criminals love to make up their own words. It wasn't sweetened but still had a pretty genuine coffee and coconut taste. The coconut was stronger than the coffee but nonetheless, a pretty decent drink.

Thanks to the criminals that will earn a gold star and an extra day out of "The Hole" before they have to go to "The Chair." Everyone wins.

So after the spoiled disaster that was the last time I tried this beverage (you can read it below), Organic Gemini was nice enough to send me another bottle. I am happy to say that this one no longer tastes like dumpster juice smells. I have to say, it's not quite what I expected though.

When I was a kid I loved the way coffee grounds smelled. I would always open the can and take a big whiff. At some point, for no explainable reason, I started to eat the smallest pinch of coffee grounds when I would smell it. I chalk it up to the strangeness of youth. It was by no means enjoyable, yet I continued. The coffee flavor in here tastes like those coffee grounds, if they had actually brought me some pleasure. That sounds like a put down, but I'm actually okay with it. It just tastes more like grounds than actual brewed coffee. I let my ladyfriend try it, who is a coffee addict (mostly fancy brews) and she thought this was terrible. She said she couldn't tell if it was the coffee, the horchata or the dates, but after one sip she couldn't stomach another. I personally think she's just being picky. This by no means tastes like any of her fancy coffee, but it's not atrocious. It kind of reminds me of the Folgers my mom used to drink, you know with more of a grounds flavor. The dates do add a weird semi sweetness that I don't think it necessary, but I'm okay with this Spanish horchata latte.


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Here is the spoiled review:
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After drinking, and reviewing, the other organic Gemini flavors we knew what we were getting into. This Spanish horchata is more like a milk substitute than anything else. Knowing that I fully expected this to taste like a normal latte with tigernut as the milk. I cracked open the bottle took a big sip, and…€¦Choose either option A or B.
A:
was shocked to notice that it had a little bit of a fruit flavor to it. That would be due to the fact that it contains Medjool dates, weird right? They aren't overly strong though. It basically just tastes like a shot of coffee in a glass of milk, but the lack of sugar made it stand out from a lot of prepackaged coffee drinks.

B:
pretty much spit it everywhere. This was not what I expected. It tastes like the dumpsters in the back of the grocery store I used to work at smelled on a hot summer day when someone would throw the expired milk in it. That's right IL said it tastes like dumpster juice. It also has a weird fruity taste to it from the Medjool dates. To be honest it also smelled like gross, gross feet. I must have not breathed in when I took that sip, or I doubt it would have crossed my lips. There is hardly any coffee taste to this at all, it just tastes wrong.

Every part of me wants to give the company the benefit of the doubt and say that this bottle has gone bad. The thing is that when it was shipped to us, it was in ice packs, and I instantly put it in the fridge. It also has about a week before the expiration date. I hope something went wrong in transit, because the other flavors were actually decent. Option A is based on other people's reviews of the product and since everyone else seemed to really enjoy it, I'm going to pretend that was how my drinking experience went.

Oh hazelnut. Who would have thought to combine you with chocolate and make such a wonderful combination? Can I think of hazelnut and not thing of Nutella? Nope. Who cares? I love the stuff. Why wouldn't it want the association? Oh, because it's its own man and can just be himself and not be associated with the likes of another? Who cares, you stupid nut. I'll eat you alone and I'll eat you all creamed up into a remarkable achievement that is a spreadable chocolate.

Hazelnut in a coffee energy drink? Look. Hazelnut does what hazelnut wants to do and what she wants to do is fraternize with coffee right now. As an energy drink, this is fine. Good for me actually because I drank half a can and didn't lose my mind with the shakes. All is not golden, though, friends. This is oddly creamy and slightly "diet" tasting. Can you deal with it? It didn't taste terrible. It just tasted like a diet coffee drink that someone mushed up some Nutella in. Is that such a bad thing? No. It's not. So it's got a little bit of a diet taste? Who cares? Leave it alone. It's just trying to be accepted as something more that "an ingredient used to make the best bread spread alive." What have you done lately? Nothing. Oh, right. That. We don't need to talk about that. I thought we were done with that.

What better way to start off a week than with a kind of slimy sausage, egg and cheese on a croissant and an iced coffee drink? Well, for starters, don't get the croissant because you knew it wasn't going to be good and second don't start off by going to the police station to retrieve a police report on an accident you were in over the weekend. That's how. I suppose that this drink may make my week start off a little bit better. Why? Well, it's not too bad, that's why. It was also served with a smile that felt sincere so that always helps.

This drink? Much of the same but the hazelnut flavor was pretty prominent. No, it didn't taste like Nutella which is partially what I wanted it to taste like but it also didn't really taste like coffee too much either. I'm so/so on that one. I wish that I had gotten my iced fudge almond thing but I saw a new drink and had to review it. Such is my life, right? Was this good? Yeah. It was good but slushie drinks in the morning are kind of, well, gluttonous. It was sweet and cold. It would have made a nice closer to my day rather than an opener. I'm planning things all wrong today now that I'm finishing this review. I might be off on a bad foot.

Children, as lovable as they are, can be some of the most annoying creatures to ever crawl across this planet. To begin with, as soon as you pop one out you have given up most of your personal freedoms for at least 15 or so years. The nights out that you took for granted when you were younger are a thing of the past, unless you want to shell out some cash for a babysitter, which in my social circle is rare. On top of that are the messes and constant fear that they will do something dumb and badly hurt themselves. Even beyond all of that is the never ending curiosity. I'm all for learning and growth, but when kids get to the age where they respond to every explanation with, “Why?” I was to punt them off of a bridge. If you were to feed those same curious little ones a bunch of coffee and their questioning became somehow even more frequent, I can assure you that would start asking you, “Whynatte?” Then even the most loving parent would be drop kicking their children into ravines all over the US.

The thing is that if children were to like coffee, this would probably be what they would enjoy the most. It's milky and even though there are only 9g of sugar in it, it's pretty sweet (without being a cavity factory) due to the combination of sugar and sucralose. It still has a coffee flavor in it, but in the way that coffee iced cream does. It's become a treat instead of just a way to kick start your morning. To be honest I'm right there with the kids. If I were to drink coffee this is the kind of thing I would want. The unsweetened, black stuff is just not for me. This transforms that flavor into something that I find enjoyable, but it doesn't taste cheap like a lot of canned coffee.

I still don't advise giving into the constant Whynattes. Those rug rats really don't need this coffee, and neither does your sanity.

When I heard that Ito En was releasing a line of coffee drinks that they had named after me, I was ecstatic. I was also slightly confused as I am not the world's biggest coffee fan, but pumped all the same. Then I remembered that I had no correspondence with the company, and there are thousands of other Jay's in the world, so the chances of it being named after me were pretty slim. I can dare to dream though.

When I twisted off the cap to take a sip of the potential chocolaty goodness inside, I quickly changed my mind and hoped that this was in fact not named after me. This is not very good. I mean it's drinkable, but it doesn't have the strong flavor that one would hope for with such a beverage. I would actually say that it is more milk than anything. Mocha Milk would be an appropriate name for this. Even worse is that it's nonfat dry milk, so it is slightly chalky. The coffee flavor is not very present with the chocolate taking second place behind the powdered dairy. It's also pretty sweet with 38g of sugar in the bottle.

I had expected more from the fine folks at Ito En, and for the record I never really thought it was named after me, but if someone does want to do that, please let me try it first so I can give it my official stamp of approval. We wouldn't want any embarrassing situations such as this.

Remember when you wanted to start the day drinking something healthy and you decided that it was too gross to deal with so while you let a five dollar bottle of juice rot in the morning sun, you bought something that has the word "Oreo" in it to wash the foul taste of "health" out of your mouth? Yeah. Happens all the time, right?

At McDonald's, they have a chocolate chip Frappe that has bits of chocolate chips in the drink. They are men of their words, those McDonald's bros. Tim Horton's? I cannot say the same thing. Oreo crumbles atop some whipped cream atop a regular iced cappuccino? That's insufficient. You didn't make anything as much as spill something over a regular drink and lazily call it something else. You don't have vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce on it and call it caramel iced cream, do you?

It's almost hard to rate this because it's such a lazy attempt at something that would otherwise have been pretty good but I'll give it a go. You like iced cappuccinos from Tim Horton's right? Cool. You'll love this. You know what would be cool? To sprinkle Oreo crumbles on top as a garnish. Who could complain about that? No one. Oh, no. That's not an Oreo iced cappuccino, it's just a regular iced cappuccino with Oreo's on it. It taste like coffee, is cold, and has whipped cream with Oreo crumbs on it. Period.

Oh, you're right. I shouldn't have the whipped cream on top of this. Do you remember that time we went to that fancy restaurant, I got a small vanilla ice cream and diarrhea ran rampant? What a night? Good thing I had workout pants in the trunk of my car. What a mess. This drink is good without it, though. Oh, I got the...what is this called, frozen mocha coffee. Isn't it implied that mocha is coffee? It seems a bit redundant.

This is good, though hardly mocha, if you ask me. I don't get a lot of coffee. Last night when I said I was coming to bed, I've got to come clean about something. I have been catching up on Party of Five. I just never got around to it. I stayed up way too late and thought this might give me some pep but this seems like more of a chocolate Icee than a coffee and chocolate Icee. It's not quite coffeeless, a made up word, but it's precariously on the edge of being so.

I'm having order regret, though. I kind of wish I had gotten the whipped cream and suffered the consequences. I think that if I had stirred it in and made a whipped mocha coffee drink, it would have thickened it up and been something more substantial. Look, I'm not complaining, but I'm always looking to enhance my experiences, you know. I've got to say, this is a great second date. It would have been a shame if I got diarrhea again. Let's end this one on a solid note. Ha. Remember when I was talking about poop and then I talked about something being "solid." Ha. Good one, me.