Sugar - 840 Reviews

Mole people are a crafty, busy bunch. Sure, they live in subways and don't shower and have many rats that they call family. That is their "con" column. Their "pro" column is filled with all sorts of resourceful, ingenious strategies that allow them to live how they do. Mole people are the ones that make this Tradewinds iced tea. You might think that it's impossible but in a land like ours, anything is possible. They all use their specialized skills and networking techniques to get the ingredients they need to meet the request of this tasty beverage.

Green Tea: Ever go into a Chinese food restaurant and find that they have free tea available? It's never bad, either. Why? Why would China skimp on one of their most prized exports? Green tea is simple enough to make and getting it direct from the source is the best way. The mole people create a sort of endless line of people to come into the restaurant, get a cup of tea, and bring it back to the "mixing headquarters." The people that work at the Chinese restaurant are not stupid and they see what's happening, but they know that their tea is being used for something great and they are fine with it.

Sugar: There are thousands of coffee shops in the metropolis that the mole people live in. Every day, much like the "Tea Getters", the "Sugar Getters" make multiple stops to get sugar packets from different coffee shops. They only get real sugar, too. They are instructed to only get real sugar or else they are off "project Tradewind." This job gives them a purpose and also puts food on the table so they oblige and only get real sugar.

Honey: This task is only for the most stealth and crafty as it involved stealing. The "Honeymen" go to stores and go into the condiment aisle where the honey is located. They look around to ensure that no one is watching and squeeze as much honey as they can into their pockets. Their pockets have been previously lined with plastic sandwich bags so as to eliminate any germs. They squeeze and if they are caught, they are instructed to run and drop a $5 bill. This way, even if they are caught, the sales associate that would have caught them sees the money and calls it even.

All of these ingredients are brought to the "Mixing Headquarters" where it is loaded into trucks and taken away by the people that manage "Project Tradewinds." They work their magic and that's how you find inexpensive, delicious tea on the shelves. It's a nice, natural tea taste with the smallest amount of bitterness and a great honey taste. Next time you see it, remember that the proceeds go to those less fortunate that help make your tea.

This week I took my ladyfriend to Philly to go see Wild Flag, eat way too much food and hang out. She had never been to the city of brotherly love before, and it was a good time. No trip to Philly is complete without a stop at Wawa for soft pretzels, peanut chews, and iced tea. At the first Wawa we stopped at I decided to go with the Green Tea Mango. I have never seen it in the past, so I believe it may be a newer flavor. Either that, or I am just completely oblivious to my drink surroundings, and if that is the case I should probably just retire from this game. So I grabbed the tea, my two pack of pretzels and two packs of Goldenberg Peanut Chews. I made a wise choice. The tea was fantastic. One would think that a mini mart's store brand of tea would be garbage that was more sugar water than tea, but one would be wrong in forgetting the magically power that is Wawa. The tea is sweet, but in a good way. It's actually made from green tea, and not some powder. It's also sweetened with real sugar and not HFCS like most store brands. It has the dry/bitter taste of a somewhat quality green tea, with a mango flavoring that tastes authentic. I had barely made it two blocks before all of my purchases had been consumed. I should have opted for the larger bottle.

When things are in different languages, I no longer fear the contents of the container. Why? Because I drank that Korean "Essence of Chicken" drink that tasted like pee and I don't think that anything will be as bad as that. This little green gem is quite nice. Why? Well it's tarragon flavored. "Ewww. That's a spice or an herb and I don't want to drink something that's off a spice rack." Well that's a lame response. Open your mind up then travel to around Turkey where this drink was made, shell out like $2 or 1.57120 Azerbaijani New Manat and enjoy a nice, anise-like drink.

I, for one, enjoy anise. I can never have enough. Black licorice, those little red anise candies in the dark red wrapper, or black jellybeans and I'm set, dude. This drink can be added to the list. I liked it. If you've ever had Ouzon then you know what this is all about. This might be stronger, if you're an adult when it comes to your flavors, it's great.

I wonder where I can get it around here. I'm sure there is some dusty old Eastern European bodega somewhere around here that would have this. You know the one. It's the place with all sorts of unpronounceable cuts of meat and cured fish that you have never seen and everything has a light dusting of dust on it. You've never seen anyone in there but they have somehow been open for like fifty years. It's got to be a front, right? I mean, you can't stay in business legitimately. They're probably fighting hens in the stockroom for a cut of the profits.

I'm going to start putting tarragon in everything I make from now on. What a delicious start to my culinary career.

Medicine is no laughing matter. If you are sick, I suppose that you can laugh when you are stricken with illness and you can laugh that you have antibiotics and your disease will soon be no more. Anyhow, this whole medicine cabinet candy store scenario has gone on too long. People raiding their mommy and daddy's medicine cabinets and taking prescription pills is not a good life. You know that is no way to live your life, right? You know that the pills you took that were in an Oxycodone are actually just laxatives right and now you're going to have the toots. Medicine is not a joke and should not be taken unless prescribed to you via a doctor. Cool? Done.

If you feel the need to take vitamins, those you can almost go crazy with. Vitamins will make it so you don't need medicine if you do it well. Want to have fun taking vitamins? Try some of these Karma waters. The other ones are more juice than medicine. This one is more medicine and serious than the other ones, I've got to say. This was thicker, more opaque, tasted exactly like mango and orange would taste if mixed with vitamins for kids, and probably did the trick.

So seriously, stop it with all the pain medication abuse. Just quit your job at the plant. That will improve your life. Get a job doing something you like. If you can't do it, go back to school and go for it. We don't want anything to happen to you. If something happens to you via overdose on your grandma's old pain meds from her back surgery, it's on you, but I can't say I didn't tell you. Drink vitamins. Have a better life.

There is an ex-construction, current architect in the office and I made him drink this. He was unsuspecting and this caught him off guard. Want to know why? It's completely disgusting. Reason I bring up his current and past job experience is that he described it as old oak. That man knows a thing or two about wood. Another dude here who is not an ex-construction or current architect described this to taste like a burning house. I'm drinking something that has everything to do with smoking and flames and wood. In China, this is what they drink. Now I don't know how frequently they are doing this, but come on. Who is really drinking this? It's complex as heck but there is no great payoff. If you had juice, burned a piece of wood in a bonfire, took that piece of wood out and marinated it in the juice and then drank the juice, that's what I am drinking.

Please. Someone. I know that people from China read this blog. I check the analytics and although it's not a great number, we do have traffic from China. Explain to me either here or via our contact form what is appealing to you about these plum/prune drinks. I can't wrap my head around it.

Never before has apple flavor tasted so sickeningly sweet, yet still tasted so much like an actual apple. The spectrum of apple drinks normally ranges from your everyday normal apple juice to that disgusting fake sour apple flavor that tastes nothing like an actual apple. This somehow tastes like apple candy, but in a way makes you think that you're actually biting into a nice red apple that has been soaking in a barrel of sugar water for the past three weeks. It's strange, and it seems like it should be gross, you know too much, but it's somehow not. On top of that it has chunks of nata de coco in it that make for a fun experience. So it's now like that sugar soaked apple has little chunks of hard coconut bit throughout it. Wow, typed out that sounds completely disgusting, but believe me it works. Kids would probably enjoy this more than most adults, but if a lot of sugar doesn't bother you, pick up a bottle at your local Asian market.

So for a while now this drink has been bouncing around the three of us here at Thirsty Dudes. Mike found it somewhere for mere cents and had to buy it. The problem is that we all hate banana flavored things, well except Runts. Since then it has exchanged hands several times, never willingly. I really should have just kept it going. Hid it in Mikes burrito, or mailed Derek some crazy root beer, but drink it myself and fill the bottle back up with this “banana flavored drink.” An old roommate and I once hid a box of caramel popcorn in each other's rooms for over a year. When one would find it, they would hide it somewhere in the others room. I wonder if he ever found it the last time I hid it. It's been over two years since then. Oh well enough dilly-dallying and tales of wonder, I'm going to drink this bottle of what has to be grossness and end it's reign of terror.

Oh god, I think it may be worse than I ever imagined. It's one thing for something to be banana flavored. I mean they are gross, but tons of people like them. If it actually tasted like bananas I would have given it a decent review, because it would have tasted like it was supposed to and billions of people would have enjoyed it. There may be eight people in this world that might enjoy this monstrosity. It actually smells like banana Runts, so I thought there might be hope for it. Nope. It tastes like banana candy mixed with Windex. There is actual banana juice in this, yet I would be more suited to wash the windows of my house with this than I would be to drink it. Since this is Hello Kitty, and a weird flavor one would be led to believe that it is a product of Japan. Again, Nope. This sucker was made in Italy. Italy, you should know better. You're drinks are normally top notch. I expected so much more from you.

Programmers are strange cats. Not all of them but some of them. I once did a website for a website company. I know, I know. Seems dumb. Well it was dumb. Why they didn't do it internally is beyond me. I then later went to apply to a job there and didn't get it. It was a bummer because it is the best paying place for programmers in the area but it's kind of a dead end. It's one of those places that are like the equivalent of a call center where you're just with your computer in a cubicle, cut off from the world with just endless, monotonous coding. Not for me.

Point being is that I went there and took a tour when I was meeting with some people and saw the senior developer office and it was lined with cans of pop. It might have been assorted pop or it might have been exclusively Mountain Dew, but either way the entire wall was covered. Desk: covered. Floor: littered. This place also had coffee on the cheap and people drank it by the gallon. Problem with that is that you turn into one of those munches that is always drinking coffee and feel like they need it to survive. Blood, air, and coffee. It's annoying. You know what else is annoying while I'm on the topic? Twelve years old kids drinking coffee. You're too young. Cut that crap out. You're going to be a terrible adolescent. More than that is when twelve years old kids are drinking coffee with their parents. I've noticed that it is mostly with moms. I'm not saying that from a sexist standpoint, I'm saying it from an observation standpoint. Moms give kids coffee way too soon and they are just setting them up for one crappy kid.

So. Topic. Coffee. Actually cappuccino. This cappuccino is good. It's more coffee than those cappuccino powders that I used to love. It's a pretty standard, pre-packaged cappuccino flavor, but it tastes genuine, as if it was made from actual coffee, like Emmi has their priorities in check and are passionately brewing coffee one pot at a time for use in this drink. It's cold and sweetened, something that typical coffee or cappuccino isn't by standard. Maybe that's what I don't like about coffee is the temperature and bitterness. Dude, coffee isn't for me.

There is a sandwich place, or as I occasionally like to all it a "sandwich joint", the next block over from my work. Fantastic sandwiches. Fantastic. Trust me. If you ever find yourself in Buffalo and want to have lunch with me, and you are in the mood for sandwiches, that's where we're going. My boss always gets this and you've probably had it but I've been too busy drinking stuff made from pond scum and horse teeth to get around to it. I've been missing out.

Everyone's got to take their lumps and gross drinks are my method of getting them out of the way. I've cleared out my dance card and now I can drink this Snapple Kiwi Strawberry juice. You know what? You actually do this time. It's good. Now I'm talking to you. I'm not asking you any more questions. We're having a talk. It's good. I like it. It's stronger strawberry than kiwi but I feel like if you gave me this without kiwi, I might miss it, and I don't even like kiwi that much. You can discuss among yourselves about that if you disagree with it. I slammed this entire bottle without hesitation and could do it again if you dared me.

We all have to take an equal amount of lumps and I just make mine public. You know that I'm accountable for. You, man. I don't know what you've done but by the non-sounds of it, you've got a rough life ahead of you. Clear sailing for me, son!

Ginseng and I have not gotten along well in the past. My least favorite drink of all time involved ginseng. But in the name of Thirsty Dudes and root beer, I had to try this. The gold shimmer on the can made me think this was going to be a classy root beer.

Verdict? It's not really classy, but it's pretty good. It is indeed a creamy root beer, but the ginseng gives it a nice bite at the end. It also gives it a slight bitterness, but not in a bad way. The more I drink it, I realize that this is one of the better root beers I've had in a while. I hope I can find more Blue Sky sodas with ginseng in it.

Alright children. It's the last day before summer vacation so we're going to play games all day. Let's start off by playing “Heads Up 7-Up.” You children in the front row are it for the first round. Everyone else put your heads down on your desk with your thumbs up. When the round is over if you're thumb has been pushed down you must try to guess who pushed it down. What's that Marcie? Why is it named after such a mediocre pop? Well it's because the game starts with seven people being it. Oh there are only five people in the front row, so that doesn't make sense. Okay well how about this, if they called it “Head's Up Vernor's Ginger Ale” people would get too excited thinking about that great soda and be distracted from the game. No one loves 7Up, but no one hates it either. It is the pop that is just there. It's not interesting in anyway. It's safe. Regular 7Up might as well be orange juice for all I care. I did once have some made with real sugar though. It was a little bit better. It tasted about the same as regular 7Up, but more old fashioned. It was still just lemon lime pop that I would normally pass over on any given day, but I was at a family picnic and it was all that was left in the cooler, so I drank it. I guess I enjoyed it. I certainly didn't not enjoy it. So yes, I liked it. Marcie now you've gone and got me distracted. Let's just go out into the fields and play Manhunt instead. I've been looking for a way to get fired anyways.

This couldn't look more like chocolate milk. I knew it wasn't. I knew it. It just looked so much like it that I endlessly hoped that it did. So much. Then I took a sip and...bleh. It has a bit of an open, airy, slightly sweet, packing peanut taste. But it looks so much like chocolate milk. I gave it to my boss, because I'm a fantastic employee, and told him it was chocolate milk. Because of who I am and the fact that we've been working together for like five years, he knew I was up to something. Then he smelled it, confirmed I was up to something, drank it anyway, and for a minute, made that "ugh" sound.

Different tastes for different countries, I guess. If it was my job to sell this drink I might quit my job because I don't know anyone who would desire this drink, but I'm sure it's huge in Taiwan and I'm going to get a lot of foreign flack for this review. It is sweetened so I assume this is a casual drink, like pop would be to us. Taiwan? Anyone? I know there are a couple of you over there that can answer me.

I am not terribly susceptible to advertising. I find myself to be smarter than that. I don't know why, but I feel I'm wired a little bit differently. That being said, I was completely sold when I saw the billboard for this drink. I wish I had an image for it, but allow me to explain it to you. It was forty feet tall, had chocolate whipped cream, and chocolate shavings. The only thing wrong was that it was a latte. Now you know that I am not coffee's number one fan. I never sent a self addressed stamped envelope to the Coffee Fan Club like I wanted to for the White Zombie fan club in 1996.

I went to one of the near trillion Tim Horton's around me and bought a small, you know, to test it out. I then drove about twenty minutes to the grocery store and didn't touch the thing. In the parking lot, I took a couple sips. It was alright but a bit too coffee for me. That being said, I'm no dumb stupid idiot. It was decent coffee with a decent chocolate/mocha taste, a medium to dark chocolate. I was ready to give it a pretty mediocre review. I came back after an hour of grocery shopping and took another sip. Better. I got home, brought in some groceries, checked the status on the Trials Evolution release date which will never be public, and then went downstairs and we were finally where we wanted to be. The drink had dropped down in temperature to "room level" status. That's where it's at. I easily drank the rest of it with no problems.

Next time I get it, if I do get it, I will probably get it, put it in the fridge for an hour, and then drink it. I like iced coffee but this was too close to a regular coffee with chocolate in it at standard temperature. Canadians, I am sorry that I am ruining your perfectly good coffee, but I am an adult and can do whatever I want.

Danny's daddy always told him to stay away from certain areas of town. He told them they were dangerous and an unsavory element hung out there. Since as far back as he could remember Danny's ears were filled with warnings of the danger just a few miles away. His imagination made these areas out to be war zones torn apart by drug dealers and road warriors (he was a huge early Mel Gibson fan). His nights were filled with nightmares of being stuck in these areas and having to fight his way out after saving the president (he also love Escape From New York). There was absolutely no way that he would ever set foot in those neighborhoods. He liked being alive and not strung out, and he wanted to keep it that way.

When Danny was 16 he got his license and his daddy let him take the car out for a ride to celebrate. He left home, and got on the highway to go pick up his cousin so they could go do a few laps at the mall and score some Orange Julius and soft pretzels. It was going to be a good night. He got a few miles from home and without warning the car ran out of gas. He was luckily able to coast over to the side of the road, right before an exit. “Oh no” thought Danny. This was the exit that led to one of the bad neighborhoods that his father spoke of. He had no choice but to walk off the exit and find a gas station or a phone. Seeing as he was only 16 and his parents weren't insane, he did not have a cell phone. He shoved his hands in his pockets put his head down and began to walk. As got off the exit onto the main road he was surprised to not hear any screams or to see any buildings burning. Actually it didn't look that much different than where he lived. Luckily there was a small mart a block away. Out side the door Danny paused, drew in a deep breath and pushed open the door. He was instantly greeted by the shop keep who also informed him that there was not a pay phone, but that he was welcomed to use the store phone to call for assistance. Danny made his call to his deeply concerned daddy, and then continued to make some small talk with the cashier. He was a nice funny man, who even offered Danny a soda. It was like nothing Danny had ever seen before. He was shocked to discover it was from Lebanon. For all he knew there was nothing but bombed out buildings there and poor people. It was also kiwi flavored, which Danny had never heard of in a soda. He expected it to just taste overly sweet and “green.” He twisted off the gap and took a sip. It did taste a little sweeter than how he normally liked his soda, but he had to admit it really did taste like kiwi, which was a huge surprise. It did taste a little candy like, but in a way that wasn't gross at all. It was also a shocker to find out that this was a pop that actually had fruit juice in it. The soda was delicious and before he knew it the bottle was gone and his daddy was pulling into the parking lot. He thanked the cashier and left, quickly turning around to buy a sixer of this wonderful soda and gave his thanks again. As he climbed into his dad's car he thought of several things: A. This neighborhood really was kind of nice. B. He dad was a racist. C. His dad was really a jerk for letting him borrow the car with no gas in it, and without telling him the fuel gauge didn't work. What a prick.

Put a fruit salad in front of a kid and it's a pretty safe bet that the honeydew will be the last thing left in the bowl. If you put yogurt in front of a child it is very likely that you will take that container away untouched. I don't know why kids don't like these two things. I certainly wasn't a fan when I was younger, but now that I'm a grown-ass man I love and consume more than my fair share of both. I don't know if a meeting was held by my taste buds and they decided that I was wrong for a few decades, but upon entering my thirties I had a newfound respect for the worlds of melon and yogurt. So much in fact that I let out a little yip when I saw this bottle in my friendly neighborhood Asian market. That's right, a 32-year-old man let out a squeal of joy whilst shopping alone. I don't think anyone heard me, but if they did I'd like to think that would give me an understanding nod. Did I mention this also has aloe chunks in it? This is a drink tailor made for the adult version of me.

What is held in this bottle is near gold to my mouth. It's a slightly thick liquid. It has more of the consistency of milk than yogurt, but it does have a slight yogurt aftertaste. The main flavor is wonderfully milky honeydew. Let's not forget the chunks. I think that if the aloe chunks would have been bigger this drink would be a slam-dunk, but they are fairly small, and seem more like pulp than hunks. I will tell you that it took some restraint not to drink this all in one sitting, but I'm glad I help strong, because I got to enjoy it again on another day. I wasn't lying when I said kids don't like honeydew or yogurt, but I bet if you put a bottle of this in front of a preteen it would be gone in a matter of minutes. Gold I tell ya.

On the molten surface of the sun there lives two lizards. They go by the names Mac and Gertrude, but names are meaningless in a story such as this. You see it is the strife between these two lizards that causes all of the planets in the solar system to revolve around the sun. There is a weird polar magnetism at work. For some unknown reason one of the lizards sweats mango, and the other melon. Gertrude (okay the names do make it easier) excretes the essence of melon and Mac wants so very badly to mix his mango with her. He's been chasing her around the surface of the sun for millennia, but he never seems to catch her. It's the chase that causes the magnetism. Scientists and astrologers have known it for centuries, but they thought it was just too weird for the general public to accept. A philosopher who is also a higher up at the Sobe corporation found out about the lizards and pondered it for some time. He then invented a drink to represent the struggle of the sun lizard. He made a melon heavy drink that had traces of mango in it's after taste. It was bold and sweet and everything wonderful. He used a mixture of cantaloupe and honeydew for his melon base and it turned out absolutely perfect. It actually tasted like a fruit punch that was very heavy on the melon. That mango just slipped in there at the end. Like Mac it is always chasing the melonous wonder of Gertrude, but it never quite catches up to over take the flavor. To represent their environment he made the drink bright orange like the fires of the sun. That philosopher should be made president of the company because he invented the finest flavor Sobe has ever produced and it was all due to a pair of lizards millions of miles away.

Well good morning, gorgeous. How are you? Good? I made you something. I made you this mocha latte. Just my way of saying "I love you." Go ahead. Yeah, it is cold. It's an iced latte. You know, the fancier things in life. I don't want to drink something hot first thing in the morning. It throws my whole mouth out of whack. You know, like how I don't like to open my eyes right away or I am "officially" awake. You didn't know that I did that? Well, we've only been together a short time. I don't expect you to know everything about me just yet.

Do you like it? Yeah, I enjoy making fresh coffee in the privacy of my own house. It's just a hobby I have. What do you think of it? It's nice, right? Good chocolate flavor and just the right amount of coffee where you feel like you could drink it anywhere. Oh, you have to go to the bathroom? I'll hold it for you while you go.

What, honey? I couldn't hear you over the radio. What did you say? Oh, you found this Emmi Caffe Latte cup in the garbage? You got me. You caught me. I just poured that into my best "Gnomes on Ice" commemorative drinking glass. I don't make coffee from home. I don't even like coffee. While you were sleeping, I went to the store and bought it. I did buy it for you, so that should count right? Oh, you never want to see me because I'm a known liar like Jason Draper of Thirsty Dudes? Welp, can't win 'em all, I guess.

For those not up to snuff on geography, Turkey is more than just delicious meat. It is also a country. Hailing from this country are gems like this drink. Look, it's just a pomegranate juice, but it's good. If you didn't know it was pomegranate, as I didn't since I can't read Turkish, you would assume it's just a regular, old cranberry juice. I can be wrong on occasion, it's alright. I've come to terms that the amount that I'm right has to be counterbalanced by being incorrect sometimes. It's only fair.

So pushing aside the fact that I've messed up the fruits, anyone who has drank cranberry juice and pomegranate juice has to give me a little bit of slack. They're both tart and have similar flavors. If I had to make a decision, like life or death, which one I couldn't live without, it would be pomegranate. They don't need any sugar and aren't mouth shatteringly bitter naturally. Pomegranates involve a decent amount of work that I don't mind putting in. It's fun, busy work. This is nicely sweetened and although some of the people that tasted it with me described it as a bit "cough syrupy", I have to disagree and say that it's a simple, pleasant pomegranate juice. Enhancing the taste is the bottle since it's all swirl and actually rad. I enjoy holding it, drinking out of it and looking at it...it's great. I like it.

Carmen hates to take his vitamins so his mom decided to do it the dumbest way possible; make a game out of it. Some parents say something like "You don't get any dessert if you don't take your vitamins." You could do the old fashioned "Go to your room until you're ready to take your vitamins." or something along those lines. It doesn't need to be punishment, either. It could just be something kids have to do. "Look kid. Do you want brittle bones, weak joints, or jaundice? You don't have to know what it is, just take your vitamins. Medicine has come a long way since I was a kid. I'd kill for medicine that tastes like slightly chalky candy. My brothers and I used to throw up when my parents gave us medicine so you take your candy medicine and shut up." That's informative.

Carmen's mom though, she hides vitamins in things. She essentially drugs her kids. I know that sounds bad, but you can't really think about it any better way. This time, she puts vitamins in her kids Kool-Ade and gives it to them with a straight face. No second thoughts. Just “Here's your "juice" kids.” To make it even worse, the kids love it and when they ask for more, she has to string the lie out because she's not going to give the kids more vitamin/juice mix and if she just makes them juice, they're know that it tastes differently.

A lady from the CPS came to inspect the home life of adopted Carmen and they asked how she gave her kids medicine. Carmen's mom didn't hesitate for a second. After tasting it, she saw why she did it. It tasted good. It tastes like a fruit juice and vitamins but the flavor is so good that you don't care at all that it might or might not have vitamins in it. The lady from CPS left leaving Carmen's mom with a warning that eventually she will have to stop doing this because all kids have to take some vitamins.

You know it was really nice meeting you, Sam. You know what? I will go home with you. Let's get in this cab and head back to your place. Oh...you live here? This is a rough part of town, isn't it? Well, I feel safe with you so let's just get inside quickly because that guy over there across the street has shifty eyes like in cartoons where a dog has shifty eyes because he's up to no good.

Oh, this is...this is where you live? Oh, no...It's nothing...I just...well I just thought because you were so well kempt that...you know...your house would be, too. It's fine. It's fine. Let's just get to your room. Sam, why are we going in the basement? Oh...it is damp down here. Is that pipe leaking? Why does it...no...nevermind. No...I can't say it. You know what? I might go home. All of a sudden I don't feel so hot...well I was going to say it smells a lot like sweaty feet down here. Man it's damp down here. Do you have like seventeen humidifiers running in here?

Please don't tell me you sleep on a twin mattress on the floor. You do? Sam. Come on. You have a $400 watch on, $200 shoes, and nice clothes. Why do you live like this? How can it smell like feet so much down here! Jesus! Yes, Sam. Thank you. I will have a drink. I'm going to need it. Thanks. Is this red wine? What is it? Black current? I don't know. Oh, it's just juice? Alright. Ugh. What is going on? Is that the way this drink tastes or is this cranberry juice made with someone's old, sweaty feet? There is too much going on. Is this juice bad? Did you serve me old, bad juice? It's not expired. Look, once it's in my mouth, it just tastes like a liquid version of those delicious canned cranberries you eat on Thanksgiving. When you bring it to your mouth though...feet.

Sam. I can't do this. I'm sorry. You have a good nice and it was really nice meeting you. I'm going to call a cab and wait on your front stoop and hope that the shifty guy outside doesn't come towards me or I will kick him so hard he's going to be shifting in places he wishes he wasn't. Good night, Sam. Please lose my phone number.