Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

There is a phrase in my industry that is awful called "it is what it is." It's basically a way of saying, "It sucks but we're fine with it." This, though. This truly and sadly "is what it is."

This is pickle juice. This is only pickle juice. This is exclusively pickle juice. I don't know what I expected. I thought that it might be...different. It's not. It's just pickle juice. What did I give it such an average rating? Well because I love pickles. I don't know if this brine would make a high quality pickle. I've been living with an increasingly pregnant girlfriend who has been stereotypically craving pickles which I'm more than cool with. I mean, they're a wonderful food that you can do wonders with. This seems like it would make pretty average pickles. Hence, an average rating.

There have been scientific studies that have shown that pickle juice helps with muscle cramping, so this at least serves a purpose. I expect to see all of those pro athletes out there downing pickle juice instead of Gatorade. Just imagine how the coach would smell after the team dumped a cooler of pickle juice on him when they won the big game. I hope someone brings plain chips to go along with it.

I bet Baymax would encourage his patients to drink this. Sure, he's kind of the spokesperson for the drink and has a little weight in the game, but between his dedication to well-being and his cigar smoking, ill-fitting suit wearing, slicked back hair having, bad breath having manager, they're pushing this product hard.

Say you break your arm and Baymax is around. He would ask you what your pain is on a scale of frown to smile. Then he would offer you a sucker. If you said that you were allergic to suckers, he might analyze you and say that you did not indicate that you were lying since no one is allergic to suckers. Then he would offer you some of his custom branded coconut water in which to refresh you. He would endorse this because it's just coconut water and strawberry flavor. Bare essentials. He's a bot of health. He's not going to give you something that would hurt you. That's not very health bot of him.

Yo man, I really need your help. I took...some stuff...and need to detox. I didn't take a lot but my boss is making me take a pee test and I'm afraid they're going to find it in my system and I'm going to get canned. Do you have anything like cranberry juice or something? You do have cranberry juice? That's awesome.

Oh wow. This is great. It's totally different than Ocean Spray. It's a lot of a lighter taste. I don't know if it's more water or less sugar but it's not. It's not so intense. Sometimes I cut my Ocean Spray with water because it's really strong. This is great as is, though.

Can I be honest with you, man? I didn't really do drugs. When you went into the bathroom, I went into your fridge and saw that you had the cranberry juice and didn't know if you would have just given it to me if I had asked. Yeah, I don't mind if you take that phone call.

Who was on the phone? Your boss? On a Saturday? What did he want? Oh, he's having drug tests on Monday and you took some stuff? What? I drank your last cranberry juice? Welp, I think I hear my mom calling me. I've got to go.

This...this tastes weird. I don't know what it is. It's definitely full of healthy ingredients because something that was "bad" for you would taste different. Not better. Just different. This drink tastes a lot like acai which is a primary ingredient. It's a little bitter which could be from the acai or the Stevia. I'm drinking it over and over and I can't tell whether or not I like it. It didn't mix well so I'm getting chunks of mix every once in a while. I'm not counting that against them because I might have mixed it wrong. I'm pretty sure I put mix and water together correctly. At my age, I'm pretty sure that I know how to do that.

I don't know. It's fruity but you get a little bit of a "Flintstone vitamin." You can take that how you want it. I'm still looking forward to the other stuff that they sent us. It should also be known that they have some of the best packaging we've received. Credit where credit's due.

The older my son gets, the more I understand why people hide vegetables in food. I could give this to him all day and he would never guess that there are carrots and stuff in here. Is that right? I don't know. He eats some vegetables. Not all vegetables but some. This he would love. This I like. It's tangy like a natural fruit would be. The vegetables don't even rear their ugly head at all.

The fact that I bought this from Big Lots for thirty-three cents makes me wonder if it's still something that V8 sells anymore. It would be one of those things you don't know exists until it's too late. Like me with Bad Brains. I hate myself for waiting until I was in my thirties to hear Banned In D.C.

What a fancy drink this is. Everything is unpronounceable which means science. One of this drink's primary ingredient is mushrooms. Mushrooms! You would think that it tastes like an old shoe or something but you would be wrong. You would be dead wrong. Additionally, there are carrots and beets which would make it taste like the canning area in your grandma's basement.

This is surprisingly good. It's sweet enough from the apple juice and lemon juice concentrate that you can get away with some sneaky vegetables. You can trick me all you want if this is the outcome.

This tastes like there are some sneaky ingredients but somehow knowing what they are make it better. You're drinking mushrooms, dude and you like it. You are drinking something they put on pizza and having the time of your life. You should be shaking their hands in wonderment. Scientists and wizards. Same thing, right?

Oh man. I forgot I've got an Unreal Tournament later and I ain't got m' Dew. I can't get headshots if I ain't got m' dew. No. I can't drink Sprite, man. I need Mountain Dew. Wait wuuuuutt? It's clear. It's not Dew. Dewshine? Hmm. I'm skeptical of that, buddy. I'll try it because I need my fix.

Hey. This is good. I don't want to say it's better than Dew but it is. It's not as sweet. Look. I'm forty. I can't be drinking Mountain Dew all day like I used to. This is more like a lemon-lime pop than Mountain Dew. Look, you know as well as I that Mountain Dew is awful for you. A guilty pleasure, sure but it's got to be eating me from the inside out.

This is good. You are right. And you know what? I'll cut back on Mountain Dew. I might drink more of this. It's not going to be an even switch. I know I've got to switch but like I said, I need m' Dew.

There's nothing better than a hot coffee and a nice, juicy steak, huh, Bob? This is how I begin and close out every day. A nice porterhouse and a rich, tall glass of coffee. No, Bob. I mean it. Every day. It's how I stay a healthy, vibrant three-hundred pounds. It's more for the ladies to love, if you know what I mean. You don't know what I mean? Well, Bob, when a man and a woman...oh...oh...you do get it. Alright.

What do you have there? Oh, a Starbucks drink. How cute. Wait, what's in it. Protein and coffee. Hmm. You might be on to something. Can I have that can? I'll gladly pay you for it. Thanks.

This isn't too bad. It's got a smooth coffee taste that's a little like the original Frappuccino. You can get a little of the sweet and bitterness from the erythritol but that's really nominal. You don't really get protein, which is nice because sometimes protein drinks can be really gritty.

You might be on to something, Bob. Bob, I spend a hundred dollars a day on fine coffee and sixteen ounce steaks. I can now spend $5. You just saved me almost $35,000 a year. You know what; you just earned yourself a sixty-five cent raise. Congratulations. Enjoy your raise.

Well, this is certainly beet juice. It is a frightening shade of red. Like blood red. There is citric acid in there which I'm assuming just keeps it from spoiling. There is also B12. That's it. Simplistic. This tastes like a one-dimensional V8. It's vegetables, man. It could be better with a pinch of salt but that would not be healthy anymore. It's not bad. It just feels a bit boring. "Healthy for healthy sake." This is probably wildly amazing for you and I might feel like a million dollars. I also feared for my life that some of it would touch my clothes as I drank it and opened it and looked at it because if it touched anything, trust me, it would be embedded for life like that time you accidentally walked in on your dad naked and you can't get his dangles out of your mind.

I just hope my poop looks awesome later.

Timmy Junior was just like his dad in most ways. They both liked baseball. They both liked cars. They both liked pinball. One thing they disagreed on was yerba mate. Timmy Senior loved it. He loved the bitterness and earthiness. Junior did not. It was too hard for him to get behind. It was such an "adult" drink because it was such a strong flavor. He just couldn't get behind it. Senior drank it constantly instead of coffee. Junior had to just drink coffee because he needed the caffeine but unfortunately couldn't handle all that yerba mate had to offer until one day.

One sunny, summer day, Senior brought him a can of Mate Bros Yerba Mate and told him they might be able to shake hands on this. Sugar was the second ingredient and cut into the bitterness enough that he loved it. It still had some of the earthiness of an original yerba mate but the bitterness was wildly diminished. It was like a sweet tea with yerba mate instead of black tea. Finally they would be able to cheers at family functions, split drinks and talk about their collective love for yerba mate.

I'm glad they invented smaller cups. Who would have thought? I mean, I feel like we were here and, like cell phones, they got bigger and bigger. I've got a fifty-two ounce cup on my desk right now. Ten ounces of this Frappuccino is all I need. Also, "need" is not at all the word that should have been used. I do not "need" this at all in my life. This isn't curing cancer. This is not giving people jobs. Sure, people work at Starbucks but this s'more Frappuccino is not keeping them afloat. Sure I paid over four dollars which I find appalling but nonetheless, I bought it and we're here.

How was it? Just as good as you would have hoped. It was sweet but not too much. There was a lot of cream on top which fluffed it up a bit. Chocolate crammed to the bottom and mystery in the middle. I honestly have no idea what makes up a Frappuccino because this one didn't taste like coffee one iota. It tasted like liquified Honey Grahams dipped in Hershey syrup. If that doesn't sound good to you, you are either on a diet or you hate fun. If you hate fun, I don't know what you're doing reading these reviews because they're nothing but fun. That was sarcasm. Time spent reading this review would be better spent watching paint dry. Go paint a fence, Huck Finn. If you want to watch paint dry, cut the bottom quarter of your pants off, use "the N" word, and sail downstream on a boat made of tree trunks. Did he use "the N" word? I don't know if I've ever read Huck Finn. I'm really dumb.

I love it; a light, bitter green tea and a nice fruity taste throughout. There is nothing more to say but I wish I had more. I wish this came in a forty ounce bottle right next to the St. Ides. I want to drink this all day. I would like to dedicate an entire day to drinking this. There is a natural sweetness from the dragonfruit and the green tea is on point. Five. This gets a hard five. If we had half bottles, it would still get a hard five.

Overly indulgent. Two words. Done? Please. You know me better than that. What made it overly indulgent? Well it could have been the generous amount of whipped cream. It could have been the generous amount of chocolate syrup. I just wanted an iced mocha coffee. I could have said, "no" when she asked. It's the drink, though. It's the complete package. I have to review them as-is. I did deny cream and sugar because I'm not a masochist.

For coffee lovers, this is closer to coffee than, say, an iced coffee from Dunkin' Donuts. That's closer to chocolate milk than this. This is easily sixty or seventy percent coffee. Dunkin' is closer to thirty percent.

I still managed to drink two-thirds of this. I've got a mild case of "da shakes" but I'm fine. I had a big salad. You can just call me Elaine Benes.

This stinks. This is disappointing and it stinks. I wanted this to be a bitter green tea, maybe a mildly sweetened but gnarly green tea. I could not be more wrong. This tastes like green tea flavored plastic. That's not what you came here for. You came here for details. Alright, you've got it.

Right off the bat, it smells bad. It smells like it tastes and it smells like burnt plastic. Initial taste is bitter but a vitamin bitter. Not a green tea bitter. What sweetener do they use in here that toxifying this thing? Oh would you look at that; sucralose, the bastard of all sweeteners.

Also, since we all know my opinions on this thing, let's talk about "natural energy." The energy in this might be real but the rest of it tastes like a chemical mess.

Oh, and also the "cross out" above "Gluten Free" makes it seem like it's not gluten free.

As far as wild cherry pop goes, this is pretty high on the list. As far as wild cherry pop goes, I never drink the stuff. This is very sweet and very fruity. It's the liquid equivalent of a wild cherry Jolly Rancher. It's good but it's eight times too much for sane human consumption.

The photo on the cover however...that really portrays a bloody nose. That photo shoot was one for the record book, I'm sure. They're probably using blood capsules or something but whatever they did even made me think for a split second that it was what I was drinking. I'm smarter than that but for some reason the photo and the gratuitous amount of blood pouring out of the person's nose made me think that's what it was.

Great job, Gross Gus. You've done it again.

Greg liked tea but he needed something more. He needed that sugar on his tongue. He needed some fizz but didn't like the syrupy soda pop taste. One day when walking through the city he found what he thought to be the perfect drink. It was a sweetened, carbonated tea. Not only was it tea but it was oolong tea so it was fancier to him. He promptly paid for it and went to the park to watch the dogs chase the birds.

He took one sip and instead of being thrilled and elated, he kind of sat silently on the bench. He had been let down again. This tea was carbonated and sweetened but it was just too much. It was so sweet that it took most of the tea flavor away. The entire time he drank it, he just wanted an unsweetened tea like he was used to more and more. It had a tea aftertaste but just tasted like a strangely carbonated cola. Almost like a less bubblegum champagne cola.

He dumped half of the bottle down the drain pet some dog's heads on the way out of the park and went home to his nagging girlfriend and cruddy cat. It was not Greg's finest day.

To get access to dragon drool, one has to read up on many resources. You have to learn how to tell long stories that don't go anywhere about delicious food that are equal parts delicious as they are boring. You learn this skill and then you try it whenever you feel the time is right.

You first have to go to the top of Gumdrop Mountain. That's where the dragons live. It seems strange, I know, but dragons love novelty sized gumdrops. If you didn't know this, you should read a book about dragons, you idiot. Travel to the top of the mountain and start telling your story telling the story that you've practiced so many times before. As soon as you see the dragon, they should already be partially groggy. Keep going because for the minute you think he's sleeping, he'll wake up and burn you to a nice golden brown and then eat you like the delectable treat you are.

If you manage to get him to sleep, you've done the first part of your job. The second is to get the stones to go right up to the dragon and put a little jar under its mouth and catch the drool. You've only got about ten minutes before he wakes up. Oh, you didn't know that dragons only took cat naps? Yep. Pesky devils, aren't they? After nine minutes, grab that jar and run down the hill. When the dragon wakes up, he's going to be hella hungry.

Now for the fun part: drinking the drool. Just take a sip. It smells stronger than it is and tastes just like licorice. You think that it will taste just like jelly beans but it's weaker than that. It doesn't linger like jelly beans because it doesn't stick in your teeth like they do. It's not too sweet but it's surprisingly sweet for being a dragon's tears.

Now that you've mastered the art of coaxing dragon tears, you can do anything. You can ride a bike. You can braid your hair. You can eat artichokes. You are the master of your domain.

Oh what a treat. Look, hate fast food all you want. I didn't eat Wendy's for years due to a food poisoning issue which made me hallucinate. Bad sour cream man, don't mess with that at all. Old dairy? Leave it alone. You've got things to do and hopefully those things don't involve you getting the sweats and sleeping the rest of the day away.

They have stepped up their game, though and this is a fantastic drink. After drinking the blueberry pineapple, I thought it fair to try the orange mango. Man. What a tropical voyage this guy is. Decent orange and good mango put together in one small drink. They spruced it up with a lemon and it was a wonderful addition.

Look, I know it sounds like I'm really hamming it up for Wendy's but dude; seriously, this is a legitimately good drink you should try before they pull it. Be mad they took it away. Don't be mad you didn't get a chance to try it. Starting now, I told you so.

Today I sighed before I walked into work. It's been a whirlwind of a place; lots of work and lots of switching projects. Not a lot of yelling which is good but at the end of the day, I really feel like I've got to wipe the sweat from my brow. I needed something to calm down with and lo and behold, there was a hibiscus tea in the fridge for me to enjoy.

This tea is better than the other one by a long shot. It's a little sweeter and has a real prominent hibiscus taste. Go figure, right? I think that this is a great base and don't really know how they could improve it. It's a lightly sweetened hibiscus tea. What a marvelous invention. They nailed it. Three friggin' ingredients. Three. One and a two and a one, two three. Water, hibiscus and agave. Done. Nailed it.

This is dumb, this whole thing. An Oreo milkshake is fine but I have this unrelenting anger towards red velvet because everyone's got such a boner for it. It's so dumb. Look, I went into this thing not really wanting it but getting it "for the site." I walk in and a dude is nickel and diming the cashier about something. I'm in the line and a dude is laughing because he asked for a cup and the lady said he could have water. Dude thought it was the funniest thing he's ever heard. Enjoy losing your legs due to "the sugar." Ten seconds later, that same dude is swearing at his girlfriend to go faster. The "best" thing that happened is that a boy, thirteen, ran in, sat next to me, took some fries off my tray and then proceeded to scream when his mom tried to get him to leave. She was a total saint and he was apparently mentally handicapped.

At the end of all that, I've got this dumb, pink milkshake that may or may not be a vanilla milkshake with red food coloring in it staring back at me. It's an Oreo milkshake. It was fine. It was nothing spectacular and if it hadn't been for this entire experience, AKA "the worst time I've ever had at Burger King" I might not have reviewed it at all. I hate you, red velvet.