Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

"Where da ginger at!" I exclaim as I drink sip after sip. "Where da ginger at!" I yell when I can't find my live-in girlfriend. More importantly, though, this drink didn't have ginger in it as far as I know. You can tell me up and down that it did but taste it, bro. Ginger it does not. There isn't that earthy flavor that ginger brings and there isn't that sweet heat that ginger so generously gives.

Gingerless aside it was good. Like a lightly sweetened half and half. Oh a half and half cut into thirds called a "third and third and third" with lemonade, tea and ginger? Now we're talking. You hear me, Steaz, if that is your real name. Now we're talking.

Blood orange, the most metal of flavors, is quickly becoming a hackneyed flavor for me. It's like people are making it the "cooler orange" when it's really just a little bit different. Sweeter than citric. That's all. Does that make it cooler? I don't think so. You know what would make it cooler? If it came around in a dope leather jacket. That would make it different than all the other citric lemmings.

How does this fare? A little bit different than an orange pop. A little bit different than any old orange pop. This is fine. It's not going to win any awards but if you did something to make it different (leather jacket) it might be something special. For now it's just orange pop to someone that isn't familiar with the likes of Thirsty Dudes. At this point we've reached millions of people though. Right? Millions? Is my decimal in the right place. No? Tens? Oh come on! We're better than that. Jay! Tell them we're better than that.

Ohh! So bitter. So adult. This drink is the sedan of drinks. This drink is the station wagon of drinks. This is a mature drink. This is a drink for mature people. This drink is punishment for your kids when they get out of line. Failed a test? Sparkling bitters. Hit a kid? Sparkling bitters. Peed in their pants? Sparkling bitters.

Is it bad? Not if you are in the right mindset. It's bitter. As soon as you accept it, it kind of tastes like a lemon rind. I don't know where the bitter comes from but it's there, man and it's strong. It's not sour. I don't know if you thought you were drinking poorly made lemonade but it's far from that. This is something you wonder if they made it wrong or if you're supposed to mix it with something. This is a drink to drink in the land of confusion.

"Don't bother" would be my response to the statement, "I'm going to carbonate tea." Sure, it's a real "millennial" response but seriously, don't bother. Iced tea is like the perfect drink and you're going to ruin it with a million sugars. Yeah, I said it. This drink is ruined. It's got citrus but it tastes more like someone dumped half a can of Sprite into...something. I am not sure if there is tea in this to be honest. Aren't I always honest with you, friends? This kind of stinks. How's that for honest? It's too sweet and I don't like it. You like that? Brutal. It might be sweeter than actual Sprite. They really let this drink have it. Woo! So sweet. So bad. Peace.

Well, la-di-da, Mr. Frenchman. French soda. What a great name for something that just pop as far as I'm concerned. Added to the fact that erythritol is in it which makes it totally more American, don't expect something exotic. This is not escargot. This is pop and I will review it as such.

Tangerine pomegranate. It's a nice, lighter flavor. Maybe that's what makes it "French" is that it's not a million grams of sugar and syrup. I'm not giving it to them. I'm not holding an embargo on France, but I'm not accepting that this is anything different that a lightly flavored pop. It's good. Ol' fashioned American pop can come across as heavy and too sweet. This is absolutely not that and I don't miss the "extra" or "bonus" flavor at all. This would be a nice transition between, say "American pop" and something like a seltzer or even a Dry pop as that is basically "almost soda."

A car hole.

As if seltzer isn't "for adults" enough, here is one that tastes like you're eating an orange you dropped in the woods and let it sit and marinate in the bark of a thousand trees. Is that bad? Not if you like the great outdoors. That goes for the place or the movie in no particular. It's good. It's sparkling and at the end is bitter but in the beginning, it's got a nice, orangey flavor. It does turn quickly but you've got to "man up" quickly because it's going to get tough soon; sooner than you probably thought; sooner than you probably wanted. If you wanted it to stay calm forever, you have the wrong drink because this is a drink for people with some hair on their chest. Male or female it doesn't matter this drink is indiscriminately put hair on your chest and on your knuckles. The type of person that knows how to use a saw and uses a saw regularly, that's who this is for. You know, the type of person that doesn't use conditioner but lets the dust from hay and sawdust "take care of it." Is this you? Are you this? If so, you've got a drink waiting for you at the top of a pile of gravel you have to shovel out for no particular reason which you will do with glee.

You might think this was a good idea if you're one of those dudes who makes pant tents for bacon but if you are a regular person, this is vile. Woah. This is gross. It smells like salt and smoke flavoring and "regular" hot chocolate. When you taste it, you thank your lucky stars that it doesn't taste as bad as it smells. It smells like fake bacon and tastes like fake smoke and has entirely too much salty saltiness.

This is a bad idea that went too far. Reign it in, Aspen.

I have not had strawberry milk since I was like fourteen. My friend Ian and I were sitting in his kitchen and drinking it and calling it "cow blood." Pretty morbid now that I think about it but we were fourteen. What did we know? Neither one of us had touched a boob. What else is there? We never drank. We didn't smoke. We just hung out all the time and played football in people's yards and hockey in people's driveways. We just hung out. We were all we knew and we were fine.

What we should have known was that this strawberry milk is complete garbage. Man. Now I know why I haven't had this stuff in like twenty years. It sucks. It tastes like candy strawberries but something about it still being milk makes me sick to my stomach. This is almost most certainly a "me" review and an opinion so don't get mad at me but I did not like this one bit. I don't really remember liking it back then which is probably why I haven't had any desire whatsoever to buy it.

Not for me. Ian, I'm telling you this now and I'm retroactively telling you this in 1994, I don't and never did like strawberry milk.

Melba loves that sugar, man. She adds it to everything. If the recipe called for eight ounces, she puts in ten. It's healthy. It's energy. In doing so, this is one sweet treat, dude. I shared this with people and this was too much. Way too much. It might taste like cherry and I suppose there could have been an element of "cream" in there but cherry cream soda this is not. Cherry cream soda does come at your teeth like a thousand minuscule jackhammers. I could feel my dentist getting richer as I drank this. Was it good? Eh. It wasn't her finest. It was alright. Melba, you're alright in my book but you might want to keep an eye on your fat grandkids before they get "the sugar."

Back to the classic taste of energy drinks where one dumb nerd just throws a package of packs of (American) Smarties into, I don't know, like a generic fruit punch. It's not terrible and it's better than "the old days" of energy drinks. Is it because it's organic? Probably not. It's probably better ingredients so, yeah, in hindsight; it probably is because it's organic. It's not terrible but it's kind of pretty standard tasting. As far as energy drinks go, this does taste "original" in the sense that it tastes like all of the other "original" energy drinks out there.

I can also say that this is better than both of the other versions of Dark Dog's stuff. Jay liked them. Good thing he reviewed them. This is good, though. I enjoyed it and I didn't get "the shakes" which I appreciate because I am trying to work and can't with "the shakes." Keep it original, Dark Dog.

Mexican hot chocolate; one of those items on a menu that I cannot not buy. I've spent money on Mexican hot chocolate that I would be skeptical about buying an actual meal. You know the phrase, "If you have to know, you can't afford it." That does not apply for Mexican hot chocolate.

I spent around $12 on two boxes of this anticipating the spicy hotness of chili and cinnamon. I was let down. Why? This hot cocoa is chililess. Sans-chili. Unspicy. If you ordered this at an Indian restaurant and they asked you how spicy do you want this, you would say, "No spice."

Sure there is an adorable grandma on the box. I do not believe for a second that she made this for you or me. She would have made it with some zip. She would have made it the way they made it in the "old country." It's fine, though. It's got a little cinnamon and might be less chocolatey than a hot chocolate that you're used to. More milky with a cinnamon taste with a medium to light amount of chocolate. It's good. Not spicy but good.

I just realized that this whole time I made a mistake. I like "Aztec Hot Chocolate" not "Mexican Hot Chocolate." And you consider me a professional. I suck.

Quite the Indian summer we're having, isn't it. Last year we couldn't drink frozen, frosty drinks with open hoodies in November. That's for truth. We couldn't drive down the street with our windows down listening to "Indian Summer" by Go West last year. No sir. This year is the friggin' tropics compared to last year. This time last year, Buffalo got seven feet of snow in a day. Look it up if you don't believe me. This winter has been a breeze comparatively, so nice that I ordered the previously mentioned frosty drink. A frozen Dunkacchino brought to me by my hard work and Dunkin' Donuts ability to put chocolate in everything. I don't know the difference between this and a mocha. It might be milk. This tasted creamier than that of a frozen mocha. I think I'm right attributing it to the milk. It didn't taste as much like coffee as I would have liked but it certainly wasn't bad at all. It was pretty good but it was like a nice, frozen dessert than a coffee related beverage. Fault? Eh, who needs it? They know what they're making and if it should have "coffee" in quotes then so be it. It's a beautiful day outside and I'm in no position to be judgmental over petty things like "not enough" this and "not enough" that. This is fine if you just want a frozen drink that almost doesn't taste like coffee.

Fruity pop in my eyes usually has a place at outside hootenannies but in this case I might welcome it to my other activities because it's awesome. Seriously, it's really fruity but it's melon, man. Melon is a fruity fruit. America, you can't handle the fruitiness. You'd ruin it by putting in corn syrup or blending it with carrot juice. I'd love to give you the credit but let Canada have something. This was picked up by Editor Dan and I after an awesome night dilly-dallying around a 7-11. In two weeks, Jay and I are going back to see Tom Scharpling and Jon Wurster. Who knows what hijinks and activities will be had and what cool drinks we will uncover. It's been a while for us to go as a couple. Hopefully some bahn mi and delicious buns will be ingested.

Section one: The False Apology
Sorry (not sorry) this is the third coffee drink in a row.

Section two: The Review
Editor Dan and I went to Toronto to see Zombi, a prog/synth band from Pittsburgh that we hadn't seen in over a decade. The show didn't start until 9:30 and it was a two-ish hour drive home. It was a late night and only got later. What do you do? Coffee, right? That's the right thing to do. I thought that coffee plus additional energy would do the trick, which I did since I'm alive to write this review and now sitting in a ditch upside down off the QEW.

Was it an enjoyable experiment? It was "fine." It was strangely smooth. It seems that all of the sweetened coffee drinks from the United States lost all the edge or the bitterness of coffee, lately. Maybe it's canned, sweetened coffee. It all is starting to taste like thinner, melted, coffee iced cream. I don't want that. I don't think that I expected a high quality roast since Rockstar is not a coffee company first, but this seems like they cut a lot of corners and just bought "coffee flavor." This did not taste like an energy drink which I appreciate.

It did its job and that's what's important. I suppose that it was just "OK" was secondary. Strange, but secondary.

Caffeine energy in coffee just wasn't enough. Now we need to pump up the jams by adding more vitamins. One more thing is that we have to add vitamins that no one has ever heard of and are unpronounceable to the human tongue. I don't know about you, friend, but I don't go around saying to myself, "I certainly feel like I need more cyanocobalamin and pyridoxine hydrochloride in my diet."

Vitamins and minerals aside, this is a pretty basic drink. It's really smooth. Like really smooth. It tastes vaguely like coffee and more like a cream you might put in your coffee. It's not bitter like coffee and tastes more like coffee ice cream due to its smoothness. Look, it's not bad but it's no, say, Mr. Brown but what is, right?

Welp. For us so far, that's zero for three. I feel like Jay Street did not sign off on this and might have just let this slide out of the door. It's boring and chalky. I am not a connoisseur of coffee, let it be known, but if I gave this to someone who more avidly drinks coffee, I think they would agree. I enjoyed the initial two sips and then it was just like drinking the equivalent of watching paint dry. I'll leave it at that.

A real conversation that I had with Jay:


Mike: I bought a Jay Street Coffee from Big Lots and it's made by Ito En. That's strange.
Jason: I reviewed on of them awhile back and it was kinda grozzzz.
Me: Welp, let's see if caramel macchiato is any better.
Jason: Here's to hoping!
Me: Too late. It's kind of grozz.
Jason: Bummer. I've eaten 6 soft pretzels so far today. I think that makes me invincible
Me: I think that's the recipe.
Jason: I will continue to ingest a steady stream of them

Real talk between two grown adults.

Yeah, it's gross, though. It tastes dusty. It tastes like the powdered condensed milk is still partially powdered and chalky. The flavor is...fine...at best. It's just so overwhelmed with that faux milk that it doesn't really taste like coffee. It doesn't taste awful but it does stick with you too long like that girl you date in high school that just can't take the hint that you're trying to break up with her. She'll get it, but you're not getting out easy.

Enjoy your pretzels, Jay. Enjoy your pretzels, everyone.

Sure this expired almost two years ago. Sure I am the one to drink it. I don't want to say that my standards are higher than Jay's, but I will say that I throw caution to the wind a little sooner when it comes to expiration dates. Also, what can go bad, right? It's just concentrated fruit juice.

Since this had sugar in it, I knew that I didn't have anything to worry about. Rhubarb is a bitter thing, man. This was well sweetened because it had an adequate amount of sugar and a minimal amount of that bitterness. It's actually pretty darn good. A four to one, water to concentrate makes it and then you're done. I thought it was a regular drink and then I saw there were directions and was honestly a little disappointed. Not in the fact that it was "more work" but just that I wanted to drink it and call it a day. Now I've got an eighty percent full container of mix that will probably go to waste since no one else will touch it because it's so old. Such is the life of a drink mix in the presence of people who care about expiration dates.

I love Polar. I should say that I have learned to love Polar. My mom has drunk it for years and for all of those years I thought it was gross. Since then, I have learned to love it. With the excess of sugar on my plate at any given time, it's so nice to calm down for once and just drink something with unaltered, unadulterated flavor.

This one falls a little flat for me, though. Normally the flavors are a bit bolder and cherry and lime is a wonderful combination but this was a bit too subtle for me. Subtle might be a secret way of saying "I wish the flavors were stronger" but I can't be sure. Since it's sugarless, flavor and carbonation is really all it has going for it and it was plenty carbonated. I don't want to say it was flavorless because it did taste like both lime and cherry but...more. I just want more. Now I sound like my girlfriend. More more more. Greed has become of me. I have become greed. Together we are one and our name is "more." Alas, it is my destiny. I must accumulate.

A kid I work with doesn't really know what lemonade really tastes like. I don't know how. If you have made it to your twenties, you should know what lemonade tastes like. I asked if he wanted this. He declined. I don't know why. Maybe it was because I told him not to judge all lemonades by this "functional" lemonade. I'm not judging this based off lemonade but just saying that since this is not trying to be "just lemonade," it should not be reviewed as such.

So how is it? It's surprisingly good. Smooth. There is no bite. It's clearly lemonade but is smoother and doesn't have any of that natural sour bite that something derived from lemons would have. It splits sweet duty with Stevia so there is a little bit of that but way down in the mix like when you said your girlfriend could sing backups in your bands recording and you potted her way down in the mix where it's almost negligible whether she is there or not. Sure, she can tell her friends she's on the record and sure she'll get credits in the linear notes but she gave an "old fashioned" to the drummer so she can do whatever she wants because she sucks.