Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

This is strange. There, I said it. It's lemonade and tea, but the sparkles and the sugar are super distracting. It almost gives the entire drink a bitter taste. The tea...what tea? It is sweetened with real sugar and has black tea and lemonade. There are a couple preservatives but not many. There is nothing in it to give it this wonky taste. Lemon juice, actual lemon juice, and black tea are the ingredients. Legitimate. Something is going on in here. It's not good.

Oh chamomile. You're usually so boring. You are made of boring flowers and are used by old people to manage getting through the day. This, though. This is different. I can't place it but it's stronger and perhaps more floral than the typical, boring old chamomile. Also, I have to at least type this because I know you're all thinking it; Chamillionaire. There. I said it. You know what? Now that I mention him, maybe he'd be into this. Even hard rappers need to calm down and enjoy the simple, relaxing times. Sure, I'm working behind a computer as I pathetically do every day of my G.D. life but it can be stressful. You think that Chamillionaire has it easy being a rapper? You, right now, give me sixteen bars. Not so easy. See? Everyone needs time to look out the window and watch boats go by. No phone calls, just a nice flower-based tea. Maybe I'll give Chamillionaire a call. He'd probably like to hang out with me.

A little grit does a body good. Grit lets you know that there are good things going on in there. Natural things. Gritty things. When you describe things as gritty, though, that's not fantastic. I wish there was a different term to use that wouldn't instantly be seen as something undesirable. This is a gritty drink and although it didn't touch the fancy of everyone who tried it, it wasn't that bad. It smelled terribly but it didn't taste too bad. The banana might have had a stronger taste than that of the blueberry and in doing so, it kind of had a "soft" taste to it. This just kind of tasted like a semi-gritty healthy blueberry drink.

Someone who reviewed movies, not drinks, gave this a two. Me, if it was possible to see a three and know that it was a "soft three" then that's what this would be. It earned a three no doubt but it is on the lower side of the threes and not the 3.8 side of the scale. Eeked by, if you will.

I was legitimately frightened to drink this. We got a new intern at work and I thought it would be great to let him "blind taste test" this. The joke was on me because it's actually good. I've had other turmeric drinks but this is different. The lemon and ginger give it a slight burn that I couldn't get enough of. There is no "Indian food" feel at all. It's somehow smooth yet "hot." It's as if you had a ginger beer and calmed that son of a gun down with some honey.

This intern is going to have to pay double time next time because if someone gave this to me, they'd never get it back. I was wrong to judge it and will buy it again and again. Thanks for existing.

This is just green tea, a nice, bitter green tea. Leave this cat in the fridge for a while and just drink it up. It's good for you. It tastes great and is just what a nice iced green tea should be. No additives or sugar or anything. Bare bones, baby. This is what all green tea should be based off. No terrible aftertaste and it's not too strong that someone who isn't fully acclimated to the world of green tea can cut their teeth a little bit on. Ito En rarely leaves me disappointed. This is just another tick in the "W" column.

The sons of John Harney are really milking this "and sons" thing. John is up all night carefully blending ingredients while the sons are out driving Ferrari's and Porsche's that the family fortune bought. They're up drinking comically large bottles of Dom P at clubs "spreading the word" while daddy is in China meeting with Chinese business people about the best leaves to use for the green tea, black tea and white tea.

While daddy Harney was on his last excursion, he really nailed it. In between calls from his sons asking for more money for expensive watches, you know, "for the business" he was nailing his latest recipe for this half and half. It's nice and tart from the lemonade and the tea manages to shine through. It might be, this is a strong statement, the best half and half I've ever had. Nothing is lost and nothing needs to be improved on. It's a full flavor and a fair, even mix between the lemonade and the tea. Best of both. Nailed it. Great job daddy Harney. Sons? Get to work. Your daddy knows that you're milking the while "and sons" thing.

I certainly don't remember any historic Christmas mornings where I drank black and green tea. Certainly black tea is wonderful and jasmine green tea is equal if not better and together this is a great drink but it doesn't scream "Christmas" to me. Throw a single, measly dash of nutmeg or cinnamon or something in there. This is a fine tea but a bit of a misnomer. This is just a black and green tea which, like a girl I dated, nondenominational. Sure, this tea doesn't have as awesome boobs as she did but who does? Boobs: like a million. Tea: probably close to a million. As I type that out it's probably a closer race than I initially thought it out to be.

Number one: Eww. Banana. Number two: this isn't bad. Even with dumb banana hanging around it's not bad. Banana plays the supporting role in this drink while the rest of the heavy lifting is accomplished by quinoa. Normally I think that quinoa smells like urinal cakes so it's nice to see that it's doing something a little differently today.

This is a smoothie but it might not be for the faint of heart. It's slightly, oh so very slightly gritty. If you don't know that it's coming, you might be turned off but if you've ever drank a smoothie before, or if you aren't a gigantic wimp, you will be fine. You're not drinking sand here. It's a proper drink. It's thinner than, say, lassi but thick enough to have some element of substance. I don't feel it lingering around in my gums so it's not sticking. I suppose, if I had to give banana credit: it does taste like banana. Everything is natural in here and you shouldn't worry about anything tasting like it shouldn't. There are no candied bananas in here. All natural, mushed up bananas. Look, bananas suck but if you've got to eat them, drink them instead. This is not bad.

The holidays are (finally) over and now we're left with the broken reindeer yard figures and "slightly used" inflatable snowmen. We're also left with the skids of Christmas tea. They certainly do churn those cats out and having a "basically mother-in-law" that works at the general merchandise section of a grocery store, now I am the proud owner of all sorts of...things.

This thing is a fine mint tea. It has loads of mint and different varieties of mint; spearmint and peppermint. Not just one and maybe more. The green tea...eh...it's not really bitey but the mint is so present that it makes up for it. I do enjoy a good, quality green tea but the mint seems to be filling up my desire for the cheek pinching power of green tea.

Oh, panex red, my favorite of the flavors. But seriously folks, what the heck is this? I don't know what flavor this is. It's made with Korean Red Ginseng. Cool. What does that mean? Is that raspberry? Who knows? You know what else? Who cares? This is actually really good. Oh, it's just the type of ginseng used, and not an added flavor? Well, that makes sense then.

This doesn't have the bitterness that one might expect in a ginseng drink. Check. It makes you not care that you may not know what you're drinking. Look, I don't think that they're trying to poison me. Like everything else you cram down your gullet, there are ingredients in there but they're half unreadable vitamins and minerals. The other half is all natural ingredients that are in everything. I guess that Korean Red Ginseng just naturally tastes good and we shouldn't care. Add a little carbonation and you've got something nice. If it tastes good, drink it. That's what I've literally never said before one time in my life.

I was had. I am in Florida, Cape Canaveral to be exact. No, I am not here to see space stuff. NASA stuff would be cool and it's actually pretty close but I'm here for a cruise. An exotic cruise to the Bahamas. Part of me thought that the Bahamas was a place that only rich people went to. Since I'm able to go, it couldn't be further than the truth. So, back to why I was had.

It's night time. I am in a hotel the night before the cruise. I need to look around for drinks when I am away from home. There isn't much to pick from around here and I do not know the area. There was a gas station a quarter of a mile away and a 7-Eleven a half mile away. I made the poor decision of taking the shorter route. I'm overreacting, of course, but there was nothing here. I chose a melon Powerade because Florida. We had done sour melon so I thought; I'll do the regular variety. I am pretty sure that the execs at Coke said, "You know what, Johnny? We're not selling anything to those weaklings as "sour melon" so let's drop the "sour" part of the name and keep selling the same thing." This is sour and tasted like the melon did. I'm going to call it a different review because in the case that it is different, you now know what the non-sour one tastes like. In short, this tastes like sour...I don't know...honeydew? I don't know what melon it actually is. Picking from watermelon, honeydew and cantaloupe it is closest to some sort of man-made honeydew. It's that mixed with the same thing that makes sour apple Jolly Ranchers sour and you've got it.

Florida. You're mostly fine. Don't try to pull one over on me. You're fine.

Talk about gross. Look, I like lemonade as much as the next guy. I like aloe drinks more than the next guy. This marriage will most certainly end in divorce because it is like an oil and water mix. It's sour but it's a bitter, undesirable sour. What's good about this? It can't be all bad.

You can taste each of the flavors. If you could somehow separate the liquid in your mouth to one side aloe and one side lemonade, you would be satisfied. Touch them together and it's a chemical reaction that could melt a house. I don't know how that's so. Maybe it's the smooth and sweetness of aloe and the bitter sourness of lemonade just compiling in to a "too many flavors" in your mouth. Whatever's happening, the fish in the Niagara River are going to have to enjoy the rest of this because I quit.

Good morning! I just brushed my teeth so I am going nowhere near that orange juice. Those two together are the worst combination since peanut butter and mustard that your mom used to eat when she was a kid. I don't know what that was all about. Back to that orange juice, let's have it, son. Lay it on your old man. What's it all about?

"It's orange juice, dad." is the review you're giving me? I'm telling you right now, son. You can do anything you want in this world but you will not be doing any reviews for Thirsty Dudes any time soon. Let me see the bottle. The ingredients are orange juice and orange juice from concentrate. Hmm, so it is just orange juice. My statement still stands. They have a certain flair to their reviews that your three-ish word review just doesn't have. Do your homework.

You know...black cherry typically sucks. Jay hates it. I don't really like it but I'll drink it. This is different, though. I don't know what's going on in here that's different but it's good. It could be that it's not as thick and/or syrupy but it actually tastes pretty good. In comparison to the rest of the black cherry pops out there, it's definitely the better of the bunch. It's got a good cherry taste brought to by dark sweet cherry extract as one of the primary ingredients so that sure helps. The part about good drinks that makes them good is that they include good ingredients and enough of them to set themselves apart from the otherwise garbage. This is not garbage. This is good. It's almost good enough for me to want another bottle but still...black cherry. You got a "4." Don't complain.

Oh how I wanted this to burn. "Chili?" Yeah, there are chilis in it but it didn't deliver the punishment I so desperately wanted. I guess if someone told me this is a gateway between juice and Prometheus Springs, I would be more lenient but they didn't and when I read "chili," I was ready to accept the punishment.

Disappointment aside, I will not fault them for it. I cannot blame them for my ignorance. There is some spicy kick in there and you get it with every sip. The blood orange is fruity and the chili is a nice, sharp aftertaste that keeps you coming for more. It's a very small bottle but there is no doubt that if this came in a larger size; I would enjoy all of that, too. This is a nice drink through and through and will not disappoint anyone now that I've prepared you for what to expect.

At parties, everyone drinks. It's a thing that you just accept when you don't drink and socialize with people that do. You have to prepare by either being satisfied with tap water, which I am, or bringing something yourself. I chose the latter this time and brought yet another seasonal exclusive from Polar. This time, it was the toasted coconut creme.

Now they have been pretty good this season and I thought that this would be the same. Who wouldn't like a sparkling cream soda with coconut? Well initially I was not too hot on it. I took a sip and it tasted like I was drinking the somehow bottled scent of a Yankee Candle. I worked next to a Yankee Candle in my early twenties and know the smell all too well. Unlike my stint at that location, the sentient of this drink eventually disappeared and allowed me to enjoy a tamer, less waxy drink. It tasted like sparkling coconut water closer to an unsweetened Sparkling Ice or something but I didn't get a lot of creme. I have had Polar's vanilla and if I drank either again, I might be able to pinpoint it but for now, it was predominantly coconut.

If you have a love for candles, coconut, sparkling drinks or just don't like tap water at parties, this could be the drink for you. This is not my favorite of the season but it's certainly not a bad choice for this increasingly bitter cold winter.

Well now I want to go to a hotel because I never drink grape juice. Why would I? I'm not eight. It's never been bad but you just grow out of it. Now, in my thirties, I'm sitting at my computer drinking a grape juice and I want to be in a hotel. Why do I want to be in a hotel? Well because they serve grape juice like this and I would get it there. I would get it to accompany my continental breakfast of eggs, bacon, cereal, tiny doughnuts, muffin, sausage, bagel and everything else under the sun. When you're in a hotel, you eat like a king. A king that eats like a king and a king that drinks like a tiny prince that would drink grape juice.

Is it good? Yeah, it's fine. It's dark grape juice. It's not too sweet and not terrible for you considering it's probably mostly fruit juice and sugar but it's natural sugar and doesn't have any strange bite.

Be a king. Be a prince. Be a queen. Be a princess. I don't care. Drink grape juice and feel young again. Or go to a hotel and gorge yourself on awkwardly small food that makes you feel awful on your way out of Cleveland. You just had to visit the USS COD Memorial, didn't you. Those troops fought so you could eat all that food.

Peach: Not my favorite fruit. It's got hair on it. You're supposed to eat that hair. That's called trichophagia and is not something we should endorse. I mean, look, a little hair never hurt anyone, right? Peaches are little hairs but a lot of little hairs add up and then all of a sudden you're munching on the world's largest ball of hair. I wonder if they have to shampoo that thing. Is it just an old, dry ball of hair? Peaches, right? Whatever, dude.

Since Purity Organic is so nice to both the general public and Thirsty Dudes, they have pre-juiced the peaches into a nice drink mixed with a sweet black tea. No hair. No fuzz. No muss. No fuss. All you're left with is a nice, lightly sweetened black tea with a nice hint of peach. What more could you ask for? It's de-haired, pre and adequately sweetened and all natural. Fantastic.

Ahh the seasonal flavors. They really churn them out over at Polar and do not disappoint. Cranberry and clementine are two great friends that play together nicely. Why haven't you other guys worked together like this? It's great. A little fruity and a little more fruity together make a nice sparkling treat. I must have really liked this because I intended on drinking this all day and killed it before lunch. You can taste everything and you want to because Polar managed to keep the integrity of both fruits.

Polar, thank you for this Christmas gift. I got you a sweater. A sweater without a receipt and with the tags detached. Sorry. I'm no good at holidays.

Billboards and most advertisements don't really sell anything to me. I don't want to sell my house fast or get a loan on a 1995 Ford Winstar. I don't want to go to the casino and I don't want to sue anyone for that time I slipped on ice. I don't have a DWI and I know that Geico can save 15% or more on my car insurance.

One thing that I didn't know is that this little guy exists. Custard shake. Sounds good right? Sounds rich. Let me tell you friend, your imagination isn't lying. This is good and it is rich. I can also very simply review this for you. Ready? This chocolate custard shake tastes like if you went to Wendy's, bought a Frosty, left it in the car so you could run into a store to buy a new pair of shoes, ran into that dude that you don't like that talks to you even though you get the feeling that he gets the feeling that you don't like him, returned to your car only to forget that you had a Frosty in it and it melted. You shrug because at the end of the day, it's still fantastic and drank it all the same. It's that good. Melted Frosty. Nailed it.