FunctionALOE - 3 Reviews

I just finished off a container of hands down the best salsa I have ever tasted in my life. Christine Mackie's mom made it, and I will love her forever for her salsa skills. The mass amounts of basil in it made it absolutely incredible. I am going to have dreams for months about this salsa. It will haunt me that it is not readily available in my life.

Now that it's gone I just want a nice crisp tasting beverage. Cucumber drinks have never failed me in the past. They are always refreshing and tasty. Now you mix cucumber with aloe and you should have an award winning drink, right? Wrong! If I were a dirty child at some crazy strict olde timey Catholic school a nun would have smacked me over the knuckles with a ruler for that incorrect answer. Yes in theory it should have been amazing. In the world of functionAloe it was down right terrible. It tastes like neither aloe nor cucumber. It does taste like it should be some sort of cleaner. I really couldn't get more than a few sips down before I started contemplating if I needed to call poison control. If I downed this entire bottle I think I might have to get my stomach pumped. I guess they weren't kidding when they named this “Cleanse.”

Some people may blame the taste on the fact that it's sweetened with stevia, but I can vouch for that little guy. I've had plenty of drinks that he has sweetened and he is my favorite “diet” sweetener. Also, there are no chunks in this. What is a point of an aloe drink without fun chunks?

For something that had the potential to be one of my favorite drinks ever this went in completely the wrong direction. It would have been hard for them to make it any worse. I really wish I had more of that incredible salsa to kill the poison on my tongue.

Guys, thanks for coming over and helping me clean up the house. As you know I have this big party coming up for some foreign dignitaries and I want everything to be perfect. You guys have made that possible. This place is spotless. I can literally see my reflection in the floor. I think I finally have the proper setting to hammer out those peace treaties. I'll tell you this though; I am parched from all that work. Luckily I have this bottle of lemon-flavored aloe. This is going to be refreshing to no end. *twists off cap. chug. spit take.* Okay which one of you wisenheimers switched out my aloe for cleaning products!?!?! Guys this isn't funny I could get really sick! You swear you didn't? Well now that you mention it the freshness seal did check when I opened it. Apparently Lily of the Desert wanted this drink to takes the way that Lemon Pledge smells. It even smells strange. This is my first time around with this company and it's also my first time being disappointed with an aloe drink. The chunks are more like the pulp in orange juice than normal aloe chunks. I thought it might have just been me who didn't "get" this drink so I had five other people try it, and everyone had an identical reaction. The stevia and the lemon just do not blend well together.

I picked this up at my local co-op because it was being discontinued, which means either I won't be able to find it again or it's really gross and that is why no one is buying it. In either case, I couldn't pass it up. So far, my experiences with aloe drinks have been very positive. As I was shaking the bottle, I noticed the bottom was stained brown from the contents inside. This terrified me. After opening the bottle, I noticed a lot of tea like flakes floating inside. This also took me by surprise, but then the pleasant fruity (mostly grape) smell hit me. This made my fears go away, and rightfully so.

The grape taste in this is really good and tart. What I thought was tea, is actually pulp from the aloe vera. This was not only a relief but pretty delicious. I love how the tart flavor is consistent throughout the drink. It's been a while since I've had a good tart drink. They also had a lemon flavor of this at the co-op, I really hope it's still there when I go back.