Margaritaville Iced Latte Calypso Coconut Fudge

Margaritaville  Iced Latte Calypso Coconut Fudge

I thought this wasn't bad. Well, let's be honest for a second here. I bought it because I thought that it would be a funny review because it's Margaritaville and the Thirsty Dudes don't drink. That being said, I did go to a Margaritaville in Las Vegas and it wasn't too shabby. It wasn't the best jerk chicken I've ever had but you know what? It's fine. It was good and I was hungry and I would actually say as much as I might go back. Go ahead. Call the cops. I'll wait. call the cops.

This, though, this was not as good as my previously mentioned jerk chicken. This started out good and I was surprised. Then something happened. The true colors of the garbage ingredients had a chance to shine through and rear their ugly heads. The coconut was strong and the "fudge" was very strong and tasted very fake and super chocolatey. After a while, it almost had a numbing sensation and I'm glad that I only had to endure half the medium sized can because drinking the whole can would have truly displayed an element of self-hate. If this was served in shot glasses, or the same sized container that Five Hour Energy drinks come in, we would be fine. It's not. Fifteen ounces...fifteen ounces is a bit more that I can imagine drinking. I have half a can of it in the fridge and I feel that there will be some toilet alligators might find themselves energized and caffeinated soon. Watch your butts.

Website
http://https://www.margaritavillefoods.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
???
Categories
Coffee
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 1st, 2019
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Bai Supertea Tanzania Lemon

Bai Supertea Tanzania Lemon

This is...I guess this is like an Arnold Palmer. While it's not listed as such, it's more than than a lemon black tea. It's considered tea but I don't know what the base of this is. Does calling it "supertea" make it so that you don't have to claim it's anything since "supertea" isn't a real thing? This is like a 60/40 lemonade and something else. I don't know what it is. Is it bad? Not at all if you can deal with the flavor of erythritol which some cannot.

If you like Bai, and I do, you already know about what this tastes like. They seem to be riding the erythritol train pretty hard so you know what you're going to get. I would drink this again. While it's not particularly warm and won't stop raining, this would have otherwise made a nice summer drink. Since it's not technically summer yet, I suppose I can't complain. Also, what does complaining about the weather actually do besides make you annoying?

Website
http://www.drinkbai.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Erythritol
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 20th, 2019
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Sipp Sparkling Cherry Fizz

Sipp Sparkling Cherry Fizz

Big Lots or as we like to call it in our family, "Big Slobs" it a treasure trove of forgotten, overlooked or just plain overstocked garbage drinks. We love it. I found this and many other drinks on my last trip there. I bought three of these which, in hindsight, might have not been a wise investment.

This is kind of a tough drink to wrap your head around. You've got a couple different things. A sweet fruit in the cherry, a sour fruit in the lime and an inherently calming, smoothing vanilla. With every sip, your taste buds are drawn and quartered. This is not a bad drink but the flavors together and hardly complimentary. It's the threesome where "the third" is just kind of in the way and messing up your groove and their friggin' elbow are just sticking into you. You thought that would be a good idea. "How about that girl at the bar?" you said. This was supposed to be fun and now it's infuriating and you're wondering if you can get them to leave and continue where you left off. There's no way. There's no way.

Website
http://www.haveasipp.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Agave Light Syrup
Categories
Sparkling
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 5th, 2019
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Dunkin' Donuts Cold Brew Chocolate Cherry

Dunkin' Donuts Cold Brew Chocolate Cherry

Thanks again, The Impulse Buy for making me wake up early to go to Dunkin' Donuts and get this. Both a sarcastic thanks and a non-sarcastic thanks. I saw the post and determined that I had to go. Sometimes even I fall for this stuff.

I go, I buy, I sit in my car with my "lightly buttered" bagel dripping in butter and I take a sip. A very important note to be made is that this is sweetened by its syrup so if you would like to eat solid foods into your golden years, do not think that it's going to come unsweetened and that you should get sugar when they ask. They didn't tell me, I rolled the dice, I won this round. I rarely win. I won.

It was good. It was very sweet but the more you drank, the better it got. You're not supposed to drink coffee so fast but when it's chocolate cherry cold brew, is it ever coffee anymore? I'm no purist but the percentage of coffee remaining is so low in the mix that it's more of a "coffee flavored drink" than a full fledged coffee. Do I care? Nope-ahh. I don't give a rip. It's good. I'd drink it again right now if I woke up a little bit earlier and could go "the long way" and pick one up. I'll most certainly get one this weekend. I might also advise that you get "light" syrup, though. As I said, it was missing a lot of the coffee taste I expect from, you know, coffee. I think they do it in "pumps" there so if you order a medium, as I do, they give you three pumps of flavoring. Half the time when I ask for "light syrup" they just smile with a glint of terror in their eyes as they pump more than the recommended dose. Other times it's fine. Rolling the dice every day of my life.

Website
http://www.dunkindonuts.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Not Listed
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 4th, 2019
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Polar Black Hearts Seltzer Black

Polar Black Hearts Seltzer Black

I love Polar's limited edition drinks. I think there were a couple we missed but they are becoming our most reviewed product on the site, if they aren't there already. Let me investigate that...hold on a sec...the results are in and as of the writing of this review:

  1. Arizona - 63

  2. Polar - 48

  3. Jones - 48

  4. Honest - 44

  5. Monster - 41

So it's tied for second. Great.

It's good. It says that it's black"bury" and cham"pain" because it's the Black version. There is also a Red version but I do not know the flavor of that one yet. I have it at home and hope to review it soon.

I don't know how accurate it is. I have recently eaten blackberries as of this week and I guess I can accept that is what it tastes like. I haven't had champagne since 1996 so I cannot tell you what that tastes like. I can tell you for truth that this tastes good, though. Nice, bold and fruity. A nice pick-me-up for the top of the morning. Find it while you can as these won't be here much longer. I assume they are leftover from Valentines' Day and since that was a month and a half ago, they, as well as us, are living on borrowed time.

Website
http://www.polarbev.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 4th, 2019
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Teavana Green Strawberry Apple

Teavana Green Strawberry Apple

As each one of my family members drank this we all said the same thing, "Smells like strawberries. Tastes like nothing." and that was absolutely true. Where did the flavor go? Was it stolen? Was it stolen to pay the price on someone who was a friend, family or coworker of the company's head? People can get into some sketchy situations and if you stick by your friends, you'll do some crazy things. While I'm not saying that Doreen from the accounting department isn't worth sacrificing 98% of the flavor of this tea, I might ask if Skip from accounts receivable might take one for the team so that we could have it back.

This tea tastes like nothing. It smells like fresh, real strawberries and then you take a sip and ask the age old question, "Am I dead?" It doesn't taste like anything, including the green tea base that should also be there. It might taste like the aftertaste of a strawberry. It tastes like memories. Sad memories of what could have been. Sad thoughts of what might happen to Skip so that you can enjoy unsweetened tea. We all have dreams. Skip might not for long, though.

Website
http://www.republicoftea.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 18th, 2019
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RISE Nitro Blood Orange Coffee

RISE Nitro Blood Orange Coffee

I'll have the 2-2-2, please? Egg? Ugg, scrambled. Sausage. Pancakes please. Oh, chocolate chip pancakes. Oh, to drink? Umm. You know what? I'll have a coffee and an orange juice. Thank you.

Wow. That was fast. Oh, it's made before hand and microwaved and brought to me? You can hardly taste the difference. If I wasn't such a scumbag, I might complain but it's garbage food to begin with so I'm fine with it. Why...why are you making that face? Oh yeah, I like to pour orange juice into my coffee. It cools it down and gives it a citrus taste. Is it good? Well it's not...poison. I don't know why I do it. I've been doing it seemingly forever. Wait wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? You have a drink that tastes like orange juice and coffee mixed together? You can save me the painstakingly large amount of drinking half my orange juice straight like a savage and then pouring scalding hot coffee into my orange juice cup? How it is? It tastes exactly the same? Does it have the same, strange orange citrus taste mixed with the strange bitterness of coffee? You don't say. Well Darlene, I will take one to go and I will tip you handsomely. No, I'm not calling you handsome. Well I did notice that you have a moustache and while it looks good on you I wasn't going to say anything about it. Well I didn't know if you were going for something and I thought it to be none of my business. Darlene, take this $5. It's yours. Cash. Take it. I'll take this can of Rise Nitro Blood Orange Coffee and drink it in the car on the way to clown college. Yes Darlene, you heard me correctly. I'm a grown man going to clown college. My life isn't going exactly as planned.

Website
http://risebrewingco.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Coffee, Juice
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 13th, 2019
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Sound Sparkling White Tea With Peach + Ginger

Sound Sparkling White Tea With Peach + Ginger

I am done with winter. I’m sick of it. It’s snowing yet again and it looks like more than a foot of the nonsense is going to pile up around my house yet again. Guess what? I am just not leaving the house today. Forget the world. It’s not important anyway. I will just cuddle up with my cat, my dog and this bottle of sparkling tea. Not a typical cold weather drink I know, but it’s here and it’s tasty so it’s what I’m clinging to underneath piles and piles of blankets.
Let me say I don’t get the combo of peach and ginger. I have come across it in teas a handful of times, and I enjoy it, but it is always a bit strange. I love both flavors, but they don’t mingle the way I want them to. Perhaps peach just shouldn’t be mixed with non-fruit flavors. Still, this is quite enjoyable, even though it throws me for a loop a little. It’s very peachy with the ginger hanging around the edges. There is no burn in here, which would have been a bit wild. I think it is ultimately better without it though.

I have grown to love these sparkling teas. They are a bit more than seltzer, but don’t make me feel the guilt I’ve been getting from soda lately. Hey, I’m about to turn 40, and I’ve worked hard to keep myself slim and non-slovenly. While I do love a nice soda, I’ve learned that they are meant to be treats and not for everyday consumption (at least for me). This way when I have them I appreciate them a lot more. In the meantime I will consume mass amounts of water, seltzer, and unsweetened tea, both sparkling and still.

Website
http://www.soundtea.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Iced Tea, Sparkling
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on January 29th, 2019
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Kirin Afternoon Milk Tea Chocolate

Kirin Afternoon Milk Tea Chocolate

First of all, dudes at work don't know how I do. I invited six people to drink this and give me a review. I said, "Here's your chance to be on a famous website no different than if you were Caroline Rhea or Anthony Michael Hall." They laughed, threw tomatoes at me like this was the early 1900's. I didn't even know we had tomatoes in the office but there is some sort of secret closet that contains nothing but over-ripened tomatoes ready for the next bad joke or snake oil salesman. In this case, it was my attempt to make half a dozen dudes filthy rich like me. Your loss, turds. Your loss.

How's this? Well, it's fine. It tastes like chocolate milk. One said, "It tastes like hot cocoa. No. It tastes like Yoo-hoo." which I kind of agree with. If there is tea in this, and I'm not doubting there is, it is promptly and sufficiently overshadowed by sugar and chocolate. Is that the worst thing in the world? No. Is the fact that it is eight months past expiration date that really makes it? No. It isn't. It just tastes like chocolate milk. That's cool, right? Yes and no. I wanted a chocolate tea with Jasmine and Rooibos tea, as friggin' promised. I just got a white person's chocolate milk. We all know that white people are the worst, right? I mean, enjoy your mac and cheese, idiots.

To the six people that drank this that are not on my yacht, think twice next time I offer you something you can't read the label for that you saw three other people drink before you. It could be the thing that turns your life around. Now I'm sorry but I have to go put tanning oil on hot babes that aren't my wife. My wife is cool with it. She told me she was.



As I tend to do, I spoke too soon.

Nick said:


I was approached by Mike with a nod and a wink, which of course either meant it was time for an afternoon tryst... or time to sample a new beverage. As I do require continued employment and HR frowns on at-work conjugal relations, it was fortunately the latter.

The beverage in question was a bottle which was decidedly not labeled for sale in America, fully decked out in Asian-language glyphs. OK, we have a potential mouth party, here. Strap in, taste buds.

I did see one English word: chocolate. Now, chocolate for me can be a multi-layer extravaganza of flavors, or a cloyingly sweet abomination of which Hershey's would be proud. The first sip showed this drink leaned more towards the latter. Primary flavor: sweet. Meh. There's also a texture that says to me there's some milk or other form of emulsified fat going on here. It's feels a little creamy.

What followed was a flavor I can describe as not-hot hot chocolate. Yeah, you know... the cup of hot chocolate you made to warm up after snow-blowing the GD driveway for the second time today, only to be drawn away by a wife request for something that clearly would have been less time for her to just do herself, and then later re-discover your room-temp cup, and then remembering as you drink it that room-temp hot chocolate is not nearly as good, and become lost in a downward spiral of negative emotions. Maybe that's just me, though. OK, I'm exaggerating. It's not bad. It's just not *good*. I wouldn't seek it out for this part. Thus far, we're not looking at a beverage I'd actively seek out again.

Ah - but the last, lingering hit of background tastes (and aftertaste). There's something going on here. Putting a finger on it is nigh impossible, between OMG SWEET and the milky texture and the mild cocoa. But there's... something. A complex of multiple things, very subtle. I'd later learn this was tea and hibiscus. It could have been turmeric and turpentine for all I could tell; they're so muted. But it *was* pleasant.
Is the little blend of almost missed flavors enough to make this a repeat drink?

Nah. I think it would have benefited from those secondary flavors being brought forward more.

I'm happy to have sampled it, and I enjoyed drinking what I had, but no, I wouldn't buy one. I'd probably have a hit if it was given to me. Especially if it was from Mike... with that wink and nod.

Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea, Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 25th, 2019
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Arteasan Green Tea Passion Fruit Elderberry Peppermint

Arteasan Green Tea Passion Fruit Elderberry Peppermint

Dear Readers,
I have to be honest with you, I am sick to death of stevia. Yes, I know it’s the healthier zero-calorie sweetener, but a majority of the time it is in a beverage it becomes 60% of the flavor. I’m all for less sugar and calories, but I would rather forgo a sweetener altogether than have to taste this nonsense all the time. It’s been a big part of the slowdown of Thirst Dudes (at least on my end). Almost every time I come across a new beverage that looks like it would be great, the S sweetener is listed in the ingredients. It becomes a heavy task to try to ignore the flavor and write a proper review for beverages.

This drink really jumped out at me though. Passion fruit is a definitely weakness for me, and elderberry is nothing to slouch at either. I just had to take the chance. Did it pay off? Well, not totally, but more than I expected. The stevia makes up maybe 35% of the flavor instead of the expected 60%. The fruit flavors are on the lighter side, as I believe they should be when they are just flavoring a tea. Sometimes I wonder why companies make teas instead of “juice drinks” when they go overboard with the flavoring and you can’t even make out the tea. This is a green tea at its heart with some flavoring added to enhance it. I really don’t taste peppermint at all, but I’m fine with that. Really, if it weren’t for the stevia and they had just left this unsweetened I would have given it 5 bottles and raved about it. Unfortunately, all of the wonderful natural flavor gets muddled into a diet aftertaste. Who wants that?

Website
http://arteasan.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Stevia
Categories
Diet, Iced Tea
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on January 4th, 2019
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