Rockstar Xdurance Energy Ripped Red

Rockstar Xdurance Energy Ripped Red

I am not the raging human I once was. There was a time in my life where I would leave for a trip to Toronto at 9PM, get there, hang out for hours, get back in my car and drive the 1:30/2:00 home and arrive in my driveway around 5am. I was perfectly fine doing that. In fact it seemed like a completely reasonable thing to do, and I did it without the help of caffeine or any other upper. It would just be Mike, myself and what we would consider to be good music playing way too loud. These days, leaving at 6 on a December evening feels like I should just be crawling into bed and it is a complete chore. I knew there was no way I would make it back alive without some help, so on the way to the border I stopped at a gas station and picked this up. As proven by me writing this, it works. It more than works. There were no yawns. No heavy eyes. No problems whatsoever. Just complete alertness (to a detrimental effect as I couldn’t fall asleep once I made it home 6 hours after drinking this.

While there is no problem with the functionality of this beverage, the taste leaves something to be desired. I know it’s my fault, expecting something sweetened with sucralose to taste anything but chemical, but I keep hoping a company will crack the code that will hide that gross flavor. Ripped Red is a fruit punch of sorts that seems to be a mixture of cherry, strawberry, and cranberry; a strange, but interesting mix. I think I actually want more strawberry cranberry hybrid drinks. It’s sweet and tastes like a Wonka candy that I wished existed. It’s just too bad that it’s all hidden under a fog of diet. Still I keep buying the low calorie energy drinks when I need them to ensure I don’t pack on the pounds as I get older. No one wants a chunky Jay.

Website
http://www.rockstar69.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Energy Drink
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper 4 days, 2 hours ago
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Hint Peppermint

Hint Peppermint

Oh well Meeeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyy Christmas. What better way to share the joy that with minty fresh breath brought to you discreetly by water? Look, this is a fine drink. It reminds me of the date of Metromint, may they rest in peace. Wait, are they still a company? According to their website they are not. Bummer. That chocolate mint water was truly something special. Is this? Eh, I guess it will have to do since the forefathers of mint water are now dead and gone.

This is good. It really is. It's not "really good" but it's good enough that it passed the "doesn't taste like toothpaste" test which, you guessed it, is when you drink mint flavored drinks and they do or do not taste like toothpaste. It's a crucial but hidden, secret test that all our drinks have to go through. Think of it as bootcamp for drinks.

This is (probably) a limited time offer so if you like a nice minty drink, get it while the gettin's good. I got this at Target so you should have no problem finding it.

Website
http://www.drinkhint.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling, Water
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman 6 days ago
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Bang Purple Guava Pear

Bang Purple Guava Pear

As soon as this washed over my taste buds I thought to myself, “This is the best tasting energy drink of all time.” Less than a second later the sucralose hit me and all of that was out the window. Yes, I know that high sugar energy drinks cause you to have the dreaded crash, where you just want to slump around. It’s just unfortunate that they taste so much better (well up to an extent that they become way too sweet). There is a balance that needs to be formed and I can say for certain that sucralose is not the answer. This beverage could be the poster child for that movement. It could be perfect, but after a few sips you taste more sucralose than anything else, and what is the point of that? In a perfect world that wonderfully fruity guava flavor that greeted me would be accompanied by the slightest amount of cane sugar that would amplify it and not distract from it as the current sweetener is doing. There is a little pear flavor in here, but it is also lost in the mix. This has the potential to be wonderful, but it falls short. Bang wants us to be(somewhat) healthier, and I applaud them for that, but there just has to be another way to do it.

Website
http://www.vpxsports.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Energy Drink
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper 6 days, 1 hour ago
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Archer Farms Cold Brew Mocha

Archer Farms Cold Brew Mocha

Oh cold brew. What did you do to me? Now I drink coffee? Thirty years I didn't touch the stuff and then all of a sudden "maybe coffee ain't that bad." You jerk. While I only drink one cup a day in the morning, it's still there and wasn't before. It makes me more "adult" than I care to be. Regardless, I now buy and drink coffee like some suit bastard.

How is this? It's a bit syrupy. If I could take the words out of the colleague that I let/made try it, he said that it tasted like the mocha was some sort of syrup that had taken over. It tasted like mocha coffee but the chocolate was very lingering and overpowering. I didn't hate it but it could have been backed off a bit. First sip was great but after a while, you kind of realized that something was happening.

I don't think this was terribly expensive and it's only 70 calories so would I buy it again? Eh, maybe. There's enough "mocha cold brew" out there that you don't have to be married to just one. It's a wonderful, polyamorous world for cold brew. It's like the Utah of the coffee world. Does that make sense? It's the singles cruise for coffee? What I'm getting as is that if you can sleep around, do it. Don't get married too soon. Plenty of cool boobs and butts out there to discover. This is no longer a review of coffee and has taken a PG turn. Shield your eyes, children. Mike's talking about sweater meat again.

Website
http://sites.target.com/site/en/supertarget/page.jsp?title=brands&brand=archerFarms
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman 1 week, 5 days ago
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Hydro One Bode Lemon Lime

Hydro One Bode Lemon Lime

I need to start polling everyone I come across like a crazy person and ask whether or not they A. like lemon lime and B. would ever purchase something that was lemon lime flavored for themselves if other options were available. I don’t mind the flavor personally, but I could not tell you when the last time was that I purchased something that was lemon lime (with the exception of things to review for this site). If I were forced to take a guess I would say that it was somewhere between 15 and 20 years ago. It’s just a boring, base flavor for me.

This is a solid, albeit diet tasting, lemon lime sports drink. I’m sure the company will roll the eyes at this but think Gatorade and you are pretty close. I’m sure if I drank them back to back I could pick out the differences, but from memory they are close, and that is a good starting point. A big difference is that this is sweetened with a combination of cane sugar and a stevia extract, so it’s at least somewhat healthier than corn syrup and sucralose. It’s got a little bit of a thickness too it, but it doesn’t venture into the land of the syrupy. Overall it’s not bad, and a nice option to have.

Website
http://https://hydroonebeverages.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper 1 week, 6 days ago
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Monster Juice Pacific Punch

Monster Juice Pacific Punch

Sometimes I like to go into drinks blind and see if what I anticipate is what the beverage actually is without reading the description or ingredients on the can/bottle. With a name like Pacific Punch and the sailor flash art on the can I fully expected this to be some play on a pina colada. That sort of art just makes me think rum, and while I know it’s in other adult cocktails, I always think of the beverage made famous by an absolutely horrible song. I apparently purchased a one way trip to Wrongoville, because this is a wonderfully delicious tropical punch. It is a mix of orange, apple, raspberry, guava, cherry, pineapple and passionfruit. It’s a collection of wonderful all mixed together into a sum of its parts that is greater than the individual. It is clearly the taste o f a tropical Pacific island (even though half the ingredients are not tropical at all). If this is what was available to me, I would not mind being stranded on a desert island at all. No humanity, just delicious fruit juice? Yes please!

This really reminds me of something from my younger years, but I’m not exactly sure what. I want to say one of the original Sobe flavors (maybe the yellow), but it could be something else. It’s definitely something that I used to love though, and forgot that I was missing.

Website
http://www.monsterenergy.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper 4 weeks, 1 day ago
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Maxwell House Iced Coffee Max 2X Boost

Maxwell House Iced Coffee Max 2X Boost

It’s been awhile since I have had a coffee beverage that was not a mocha. So long in fact that when I took a sip of this I just thought that the extreme sweetness of it was actual chocolate, but nope, it’s just sugar, coffee and milk. I will describe it with Hold Steady lyrics, “Well, you in the corner with the good looking drifter, two cups of coffee and ten packs of sugar.” That’s a ridiculous amount of sweetness in here, but you know what I liked it. It made it seem more of a dessert than just a vehicle for caffeine, which is what I had intended it for. I don’t know what was done to this to give it double the amount of caffeine that their regular beverage has. Did they brew the coffee, and then rebrew it through the same grounds a la The Descendents’ Bonus Cup?

I think I may be out of musical references to coffee, so I guess I’m done here. Oh wait, it does not taste like black coffee. There’s a Black Flag reference for you.

Website
http://www.maxwellhouse.com
Country
United States
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper 1 month ago
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Trader Joe's Herbal Flavored Water Lemongrass Spearmint

Trader Joe's Herbal Flavored Water Lemongrass Spearmint

This was nice. I've got a head cold. I wish I could appreciate this more. Instead, it's just a flavored water. It's not super minty like Metromint. I miss Metromint. Man, that chocolate one was great. It doesn't taste like toothpaste which, while doesn't need to be said, should be noted at very least. The lemongrass, yeah, she's there. It's not strong but it's present.

Trader Joe's on a Sunday with your kid who just spit potatoes au gratin in your hands isn't the best way to close a weekend but this was a nice, pleasant way to kind of "round the edges" a little bit.

Website
http://www.traderjoes.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Water
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on November 12th, 2018
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7 Eleven Green Tea With Ginger

7 Eleven Green Tea With Ginger

More maple syrup. It's the season, right? I thought this stuff was super expensive to extract and refine but at the price that it's being sold at your neighborhood 7-Eleven you wouldn't think so. Maybe it's made with maple water so they don't need to refine it as much.

Honestly, this isn't nearly as good as I wanted it to be. The maple syrup flavor, while good, overpowers the green tea and ginger and just kind of tastes like a vague, generic tea sweetened with maple syrup.

7-Eleven. You're cool with me. My son loves your subs. I love that your drinks are different than the rest. Bring this one back to the drawing board. She's not ready yet. Less maple and more ginger. Plenty-o-ginger.

Website
http://www.7-eleven.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Maple Syrup
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on November 5th, 2018
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Summit Craft Wild Cola

Summit Craft Wild Cola

There is only one thing wild about this cola and that is the sweet pup that adorns its label. That little dude looks like he takes no guff. Unfortunately we, as drinkers, have to take some guff when we are consuming this soda. As my ladyfriend pointed out, “It tastes like someone was making a cola, got distracted and then forgot to finish it.” Yet somehow this unfinished soda made it to market. This tastes lower than store brand. That’s right I would choose a corn syrup laden generic can of soda over this glass bottled “craft” soda any day. This is weak and it only hints at cola without ever actually fully tasting like one.

Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on November 2nd, 2018
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