Mike Literman (1759 reviews)

Mike loves new drinks. He's drank some gross stuff in his day, and this blog is making him drink even more against his will. That being said, he wouldn't trade it in for the world. He loves new beverages and is always, and always will be, on a quest for something new.

Kirin Afternoon Milk Tea Chocolate

Kirin Afternoon Milk Tea Chocolate

First of all, dudes at work don't know how I do. I invited six people to drink this and give me a review. I said, "Here's your chance to be on a famous website no different than if you were Caroline Rhea or Anthony Michael Hall." They laughed, threw tomatoes at me like this was the early 1900's. I didn't even know we had tomatoes in the office but there is some sort of secret closet that contains nothing but over-ripened tomatoes ready for the next bad joke or snake oil salesman. In this case, it was my attempt to make half a dozen dudes filthy rich like me. Your loss, turds. Your loss.

How's this? Well, it's fine. It tastes like chocolate milk. One said, "It tastes like hot cocoa. No. It tastes like Yoo-hoo." which I kind of agree with. If there is tea in this, and I'm not doubting there is, it is promptly and sufficiently overshadowed by sugar and chocolate. Is that the worst thing in the world? No. Is the fact that it is eight months past expiration date that really makes it? No. It isn't. It just tastes like chocolate milk. That's cool, right? Yes and no. I wanted a chocolate tea with Jasmine and Rooibos tea, as friggin' promised. I just got a white person's chocolate milk. We all know that white people are the worst, right? I mean, enjoy your mac and cheese, idiots.

To the six people that drank this that are not on my yacht, think twice next time I offer you something you can't read the label for that you saw three other people drink before you. It could be the thing that turns your life around. Now I'm sorry but I have to go put tanning oil on hot babes that aren't my wife. My wife is cool with it. She told me she was.



As I tend to do, I spoke too soon.

Nick said:


I was approached by Mike with a nod and a wink, which of course either meant it was time for an afternoon tryst... or time to sample a new beverage. As I do require continued employment and HR frowns on at-work conjugal relations, it was fortunately the latter.

The beverage in question was a bottle which was decidedly not labeled for sale in America, fully decked out in Asian-language glyphs. OK, we have a potential mouth party, here. Strap in, taste buds.

I did see one English word: chocolate. Now, chocolate for me can be a multi-layer extravaganza of flavors, or a cloyingly sweet abomination of which Hershey's would be proud. The first sip showed this drink leaned more towards the latter. Primary flavor: sweet. Meh. There's also a texture that says to me there's some milk or other form of emulsified fat going on here. It's feels a little creamy.

What followed was a flavor I can describe as not-hot hot chocolate. Yeah, you know... the cup of hot chocolate you made to warm up after snow-blowing the GD driveway for the second time today, only to be drawn away by a wife request for something that clearly would have been less time for her to just do herself, and then later re-discover your room-temp cup, and then remembering as you drink it that room-temp hot chocolate is not nearly as good, and become lost in a downward spiral of negative emotions. Maybe that's just me, though. OK, I'm exaggerating. It's not bad. It's just not *good*. I wouldn't seek it out for this part. Thus far, we're not looking at a beverage I'd actively seek out again.

Ah - but the last, lingering hit of background tastes (and aftertaste). There's something going on here. Putting a finger on it is nigh impossible, between OMG SWEET and the milky texture and the mild cocoa. But there's... something. A complex of multiple things, very subtle. I'd later learn this was tea and hibiscus. It could have been turmeric and turpentine for all I could tell; they're so muted. But it *was* pleasant.
Is the little blend of almost missed flavors enough to make this a repeat drink?

Nah. I think it would have benefited from those secondary flavors being brought forward more.

I'm happy to have sampled it, and I enjoyed drinking what I had, but no, I wouldn't buy one. I'd probably have a hit if it was given to me. Especially if it was from Mike... with that wink and nod.

Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea, Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman 3 weeks, 6 days ago
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Nongfu Spring Tea Peach Oolong

Nongfu Spring Tea Peach Oolong

It's been a long time since I've drank anything with this much sugar in it. There is sugar, presumably cane sugar, and also honey which makes this peach oolong taste fantastic. Seriously, this was great. If it had half the sugar, it might be better. The honey adds more flavor than it did sweetness but man, this was good. The peach flavor was good. I might say that the sugar overpowered the child custody arm wrestling match against the oolong to the point where it was just a "tea base" instead of something truly distinguishable.

Would I get this again? I don't think so. I would recommend it with the caveat of, "If you like sweet tea, you will love this." but my palate doesn't really do so hot against drinks like this anymore. It doesn't hurt the review but it would count against me telling other people to get it. Seriously, though. If you like sweetened, flavored tea, get this. Get this and you'll never drink a Brisk raspberry again. I know peach and raspberries are different fruits but if you are looking to become a better person in society, this over that.

Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 3rd, 2019
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Hint Peppermint

Hint Peppermint

Oh well Meeeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyy Christmas. What better way to share the joy that with minty fresh breath brought to you discreetly by water? Look, this is a fine drink. It reminds me of the date of Metromint, may they rest in peace. Wait, are they still a company? According to their website they are not. Bummer. That chocolate mint water was truly something special. Is this? Eh, I guess it will have to do since the forefathers of mint water are now dead and gone.

This is good. It really is. It's not "really good" but it's good enough that it passed the "doesn't taste like toothpaste" test which, you guessed it, is when you drink mint flavored drinks and they do or do not taste like toothpaste. It's a crucial but hidden, secret test that all our drinks have to go through. Think of it as bootcamp for drinks.

This is (probably) a limited time offer so if you like a nice minty drink, get it while the gettin's good. I got this at Target so you should have no problem finding it.

Website
http://www.drinkhint.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling, Water
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 10th, 2018
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now

Archer Farms Cold Brew Mocha

Archer Farms Cold Brew Mocha

Oh cold brew. What did you do to me? Now I drink coffee? Thirty years I didn't touch the stuff and then all of a sudden "maybe coffee ain't that bad." You jerk. While I only drink one cup a day in the morning, it's still there and wasn't before. It makes me more "adult" than I care to be. Regardless, I now buy and drink coffee like some suit bastard.

How is this? It's a bit syrupy. If I could take the words out of the colleague that I let/made try it, he said that it tasted like the mocha was some sort of syrup that had taken over. It tasted like mocha coffee but the chocolate was very lingering and overpowering. I didn't hate it but it could have been backed off a bit. First sip was great but after a while, you kind of realized that something was happening.

I don't think this was terribly expensive and it's only 70 calories so would I buy it again? Eh, maybe. There's enough "mocha cold brew" out there that you don't have to be married to just one. It's a wonderful, polyamorous world for cold brew. It's like the Utah of the coffee world. Does that make sense? It's the singles cruise for coffee? What I'm getting as is that if you can sleep around, do it. Don't get married too soon. Plenty of cool boobs and butts out there to discover. This is no longer a review of coffee and has taken a PG turn. Shield your eyes, children. Mike's talking about sweater meat again.

Website
http://sites.target.com/site/en/supertarget/page.jsp?title=brands&brand=archerFarms
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 4th, 2018
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Trader Joe's Herbal Flavored Water Lemongrass Spearmint

Trader Joe's Herbal Flavored Water Lemongrass Spearmint

This was nice. I've got a head cold. I wish I could appreciate this more. Instead, it's just a flavored water. It's not super minty like Metromint. I miss Metromint. Man, that chocolate one was great. It doesn't taste like toothpaste which, while doesn't need to be said, should be noted at very least. The lemongrass, yeah, she's there. It's not strong but it's present.

Trader Joe's on a Sunday with your kid who just spit potatoes au gratin in your hands isn't the best way to close a weekend but this was a nice, pleasant way to kind of "round the edges" a little bit.

Website
http://www.traderjoes.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Water
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on November 12th, 2018
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

7 Eleven Green Tea With Ginger

7 Eleven Green Tea With Ginger

More maple syrup. It's the season, right? I thought this stuff was super expensive to extract and refine but at the price that it's being sold at your neighborhood 7-Eleven you wouldn't think so. Maybe it's made with maple water so they don't need to refine it as much.

Honestly, this isn't nearly as good as I wanted it to be. The maple syrup flavor, while good, overpowers the green tea and ginger and just kind of tastes like a vague, generic tea sweetened with maple syrup.

7-Eleven. You're cool with me. My son loves your subs. I love that your drinks are different than the rest. Bring this one back to the drawing board. She's not ready yet. Less maple and more ginger. Plenty-o-ginger.

Website
http://www.7-eleven.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Maple Syrup
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on November 5th, 2018
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Coft Thai Black Tea

Coft Thai Black Tea

I saw this peeking out from my fridge yesterday and decided that today would be the day. I think I bought this as an Asian Market with good ol' Jay. It was dark and didn't appear to have cream in it so I thought it would be something nice. Turns out, there is some form of milk, possibly in the line item "Brewed Thai Tea" although it doesn't explicitly say "milk" outside of "Contains: Milk"

Who cares. Enough milk talk. This is great and do you know why it is great? Because it just tastes like Thai Tea. If we have to differentiate between this and traditional Thai tea, this is less creamy. Back to milk again. This may have more of a black tea base which is actually really good. It's strange. This tastes like black tea sweetened with Thai Tea. It's hard to explain. It tastes like sweet tea, like Southern sweet tea but then you get the flavors and spices (?) of Thai tea.

A+. Quick shipping. Would buy from again.

Country
Thailand
Sweetener
Glucose Syrup
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 12th, 2018
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now

7 Eleven Black Tea

7 Eleven Black Tea

Fantastic.

I love this. It's got a great maple syrup taste but doesn't taste like you're drinking tea to wash down some delicious pancakes. It's nice. It's not too sweet and the tea tastes pretty great, too. This is a repeat purchase. They also have a green tea that would be pretty interesting with maple syrup. I feel like I've had black tea with maple syrup but not green. I feel like that will come across the ol' Thirsty Dudes desk sooner than later.

Go grab one. I feel like 7-Eleven cycles through their own drinks rather quickly so if this sounds good to you, you might want to get on the unicycle you stupidly use for public transportation and head towards the nearest 7-Eleven. If your 7-Elevens are anything like ours, some of them might have closed recently so, like the nearest exits on an airplane, they might be behind you.

Website
http://www.7-eleven.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Maple Syrup
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 10th, 2018
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Peloton Cascara Tea Cranberry Lime

Peloton Cascara Tea Cranberry Lime


On route to who cares where in New York City, I picked up this bad boy. It's good. I wanted tea. It's like 80 degrees in October, dude. Jay and I are tired and thirsty, man. I got it and didn't think twice. It was kind of expensive but it's New York so who cares? $3. This place is an island. It costs more to get things here.

Cranberry Lime is a good standard. The tea is good. It's darker that I thought. It was pretty low in calories, too. 60 calories for the bottle. Calories. Who gives a rip? It's honestly pretty regular. Regular good. Jay says it tastes like Mamma Chia without the seeds. I'd get it again. That says a lot. They don't sell it by me.

Website
http://https://www.drinkpeloton.com/
Country
United Kingdom
Sweetener
Organic Cane Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 7th, 2018
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Poland Spring Black Cherry

Poland Spring Black Cherry

I'm New York City. Can you tell? Have you seen Jay and I taking the city by storm? We're truly crushing this place. We've eaten all day. We've walked basically one hundred miles. We've seen things, man.

We're eating and drinking and eating and drinking. After doing that for a day and a half, we needed to calm down and drink some seltzer.

You already know what it is, mang. It's black cherry seltzer. I can't believe we haven't drank it before. It's somehow smooth and is super refreshing. You care. You should care. These drinks are important. Who cares about your diet. You look great. Keep drinking seltzer.

Website
http://www.polandspring.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling, Water
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 7th, 2018
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
<< previous | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 |