Mike Literman (1764 reviews)

Mike loves new drinks. He's drank some gross stuff in his day, and this blog is making him drink even more against his will. That being said, he wouldn't trade it in for the world. He loves new beverages and is always, and always will be, on a quest for something new.

Sipp Sparkling Cherry Fizz

Sipp Sparkling Cherry Fizz

Big Lots or as we like to call it in our family, "Big Slobs" it a treasure trove of forgotten, overlooked or just plain overstocked garbage drinks. We love it. I found this and many other drinks on my last trip there. I bought three of these which, in hindsight, might have not been a wise investment.

This is kind of a tough drink to wrap your head around. You've got a couple different things. A sweet fruit in the cherry, a sour fruit in the lime and an inherently calming, smoothing vanilla. With every sip, your taste buds are drawn and quartered. This is not a bad drink but the flavors together and hardly complimentary. It's the threesome where "the third" is just kind of in the way and messing up your groove and their friggin' elbow are just sticking into you. You thought that would be a good idea. "How about that girl at the bar?" you said. This was supposed to be fun and now it's infuriating and you're wondering if you can get them to leave and continue where you left off. There's no way. There's no way.

Website
http://www.haveasipp.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Agave Light Syrup
Categories
Sparkling
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman 2 weeks, 6 days ago
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Dunkin' Donuts Cold Brew Chocolate Cherry

Dunkin' Donuts Cold Brew Chocolate Cherry

Thanks again, The Impulse Buy for making me wake up early to go to Dunkin' Donuts and get this. Both a sarcastic thanks and a non-sarcastic thanks. I saw the post and determined that I had to go. Sometimes even I fall for this stuff.

I go, I buy, I sit in my car with my "lightly buttered" bagel dripping in butter and I take a sip. A very important note to be made is that this is sweetened by its syrup so if you would like to eat solid foods into your golden years, do not think that it's going to come unsweetened and that you should get sugar when they ask. They didn't tell me, I rolled the dice, I won this round. I rarely win. I won.

It was good. It was very sweet but the more you drank, the better it got. You're not supposed to drink coffee so fast but when it's chocolate cherry cold brew, is it ever coffee anymore? I'm no purist but the percentage of coffee remaining is so low in the mix that it's more of a "coffee flavored drink" than a full fledged coffee. Do I care? Nope-ahh. I don't give a rip. It's good. I'd drink it again right now if I woke up a little bit earlier and could go "the long way" and pick one up. I'll most certainly get one this weekend. I might also advise that you get "light" syrup, though. As I said, it was missing a lot of the coffee taste I expect from, you know, coffee. I think they do it in "pumps" there so if you order a medium, as I do, they give you three pumps of flavoring. Half the time when I ask for "light syrup" they just smile with a glint of terror in their eyes as they pump more than the recommended dose. Other times it's fine. Rolling the dice every day of my life.

Website
http://www.dunkindonuts.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Not Listed
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman 3 weeks ago
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Polar Black Hearts Seltzer Black

Polar Black Hearts Seltzer Black

I love Polar's limited edition drinks. I think there were a couple we missed but they are becoming our most reviewed product on the site, if they aren't there already. Let me investigate that...hold on a sec...the results are in and as of the writing of this review:

  1. Arizona - 63

  2. Polar - 48

  3. Jones - 48

  4. Honest - 44

  5. Monster - 41

So it's tied for second. Great.

It's good. It says that it's black"bury" and cham"pain" because it's the Black version. There is also a Red version but I do not know the flavor of that one yet. I have it at home and hope to review it soon.

I don't know how accurate it is. I have recently eaten blackberries as of this week and I guess I can accept that is what it tastes like. I haven't had champagne since 1996 so I cannot tell you what that tastes like. I can tell you for truth that this tastes good, though. Nice, bold and fruity. A nice pick-me-up for the top of the morning. Find it while you can as these won't be here much longer. I assume they are leftover from Valentines' Day and since that was a month and a half ago, they, as well as us, are living on borrowed time.

Website
http://www.polarbev.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman 3 weeks ago
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Teavana Green Strawberry Apple

Teavana Green Strawberry Apple

As each one of my family members drank this we all said the same thing, "Smells like strawberries. Tastes like nothing." and that was absolutely true. Where did the flavor go? Was it stolen? Was it stolen to pay the price on someone who was a friend, family or coworker of the company's head? People can get into some sketchy situations and if you stick by your friends, you'll do some crazy things. While I'm not saying that Doreen from the accounting department isn't worth sacrificing 98% of the flavor of this tea, I might ask if Skip from accounts receivable might take one for the team so that we could have it back.

This tea tastes like nothing. It smells like fresh, real strawberries and then you take a sip and ask the age old question, "Am I dead?" It doesn't taste like anything, including the green tea base that should also be there. It might taste like the aftertaste of a strawberry. It tastes like memories. Sad memories of what could have been. Sad thoughts of what might happen to Skip so that you can enjoy unsweetened tea. We all have dreams. Skip might not for long, though.

Website
http://www.republicoftea.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 18th, 2019
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RISE Nitro Blood Orange Coffee

RISE Nitro Blood Orange Coffee

I'll have the 2-2-2, please? Egg? Ugg, scrambled. Sausage. Pancakes please. Oh, chocolate chip pancakes. Oh, to drink? Umm. You know what? I'll have a coffee and an orange juice. Thank you.

Wow. That was fast. Oh, it's made before hand and microwaved and brought to me? You can hardly taste the difference. If I wasn't such a scumbag, I might complain but it's garbage food to begin with so I'm fine with it. Why...why are you making that face? Oh yeah, I like to pour orange juice into my coffee. It cools it down and gives it a citrus taste. Is it good? Well it's not...poison. I don't know why I do it. I've been doing it seemingly forever. Wait wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? You have a drink that tastes like orange juice and coffee mixed together? You can save me the painstakingly large amount of drinking half my orange juice straight like a savage and then pouring scalding hot coffee into my orange juice cup? How it is? It tastes exactly the same? Does it have the same, strange orange citrus taste mixed with the strange bitterness of coffee? You don't say. Well Darlene, I will take one to go and I will tip you handsomely. No, I'm not calling you handsome. Well I did notice that you have a moustache and while it looks good on you I wasn't going to say anything about it. Well I didn't know if you were going for something and I thought it to be none of my business. Darlene, take this $5. It's yours. Cash. Take it. I'll take this can of Rise Nitro Blood Orange Coffee and drink it in the car on the way to clown college. Yes Darlene, you heard me correctly. I'm a grown man going to clown college. My life isn't going exactly as planned.

Website
http://risebrewingco.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Coffee, Juice
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 13th, 2019
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Kirin Afternoon Milk Tea Chocolate

Kirin Afternoon Milk Tea Chocolate

First of all, dudes at work don't know how I do. I invited six people to drink this and give me a review. I said, "Here's your chance to be on a famous website no different than if you were Caroline Rhea or Anthony Michael Hall." They laughed, threw tomatoes at me like this was the early 1900's. I didn't even know we had tomatoes in the office but there is some sort of secret closet that contains nothing but over-ripened tomatoes ready for the next bad joke or snake oil salesman. In this case, it was my attempt to make half a dozen dudes filthy rich like me. Your loss, turds. Your loss.

How's this? Well, it's fine. It tastes like chocolate milk. One said, "It tastes like hot cocoa. No. It tastes like Yoo-hoo." which I kind of agree with. If there is tea in this, and I'm not doubting there is, it is promptly and sufficiently overshadowed by sugar and chocolate. Is that the worst thing in the world? No. Is the fact that it is eight months past expiration date that really makes it? No. It isn't. It just tastes like chocolate milk. That's cool, right? Yes and no. I wanted a chocolate tea with Jasmine and Rooibos tea, as friggin' promised. I just got a white person's chocolate milk. We all know that white people are the worst, right? I mean, enjoy your mac and cheese, idiots.

To the six people that drank this that are not on my yacht, think twice next time I offer you something you can't read the label for that you saw three other people drink before you. It could be the thing that turns your life around. Now I'm sorry but I have to go put tanning oil on hot babes that aren't my wife. My wife is cool with it. She told me she was.



As I tend to do, I spoke too soon.

Nick said:


I was approached by Mike with a nod and a wink, which of course either meant it was time for an afternoon tryst... or time to sample a new beverage. As I do require continued employment and HR frowns on at-work conjugal relations, it was fortunately the latter.

The beverage in question was a bottle which was decidedly not labeled for sale in America, fully decked out in Asian-language glyphs. OK, we have a potential mouth party, here. Strap in, taste buds.

I did see one English word: chocolate. Now, chocolate for me can be a multi-layer extravaganza of flavors, or a cloyingly sweet abomination of which Hershey's would be proud. The first sip showed this drink leaned more towards the latter. Primary flavor: sweet. Meh. There's also a texture that says to me there's some milk or other form of emulsified fat going on here. It's feels a little creamy.

What followed was a flavor I can describe as not-hot hot chocolate. Yeah, you know... the cup of hot chocolate you made to warm up after snow-blowing the GD driveway for the second time today, only to be drawn away by a wife request for something that clearly would have been less time for her to just do herself, and then later re-discover your room-temp cup, and then remembering as you drink it that room-temp hot chocolate is not nearly as good, and become lost in a downward spiral of negative emotions. Maybe that's just me, though. OK, I'm exaggerating. It's not bad. It's just not *good*. I wouldn't seek it out for this part. Thus far, we're not looking at a beverage I'd actively seek out again.

Ah - but the last, lingering hit of background tastes (and aftertaste). There's something going on here. Putting a finger on it is nigh impossible, between OMG SWEET and the milky texture and the mild cocoa. But there's... something. A complex of multiple things, very subtle. I'd later learn this was tea and hibiscus. It could have been turmeric and turpentine for all I could tell; they're so muted. But it *was* pleasant.
Is the little blend of almost missed flavors enough to make this a repeat drink?

Nah. I think it would have benefited from those secondary flavors being brought forward more.

I'm happy to have sampled it, and I enjoyed drinking what I had, but no, I wouldn't buy one. I'd probably have a hit if it was given to me. Especially if it was from Mike... with that wink and nod.

Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea, Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 25th, 2019
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Nongfu Spring Tea Peach Oolong

Nongfu Spring Tea Peach Oolong

It's been a long time since I've drank anything with this much sugar in it. There is sugar, presumably cane sugar, and also honey which makes this peach oolong taste fantastic. Seriously, this was great. If it had half the sugar, it might be better. The honey adds more flavor than it did sweetness but man, this was good. The peach flavor was good. I might say that the sugar overpowered the child custody arm wrestling match against the oolong to the point where it was just a "tea base" instead of something truly distinguishable.

Would I get this again? I don't think so. I would recommend it with the caveat of, "If you like sweet tea, you will love this." but my palate doesn't really do so hot against drinks like this anymore. It doesn't hurt the review but it would count against me telling other people to get it. Seriously, though. If you like sweetened, flavored tea, get this. Get this and you'll never drink a Brisk raspberry again. I know peach and raspberries are different fruits but if you are looking to become a better person in society, this over that.

Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 3rd, 2019
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Hint Peppermint

Hint Peppermint

Oh well Meeeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyy Christmas. What better way to share the joy that with minty fresh breath brought to you discreetly by water? Look, this is a fine drink. It reminds me of the date of Metromint, may they rest in peace. Wait, are they still a company? According to their website they are not. Bummer. That chocolate mint water was truly something special. Is this? Eh, I guess it will have to do since the forefathers of mint water are now dead and gone.

This is good. It really is. It's not "really good" but it's good enough that it passed the "doesn't taste like toothpaste" test which, you guessed it, is when you drink mint flavored drinks and they do or do not taste like toothpaste. It's a crucial but hidden, secret test that all our drinks have to go through. Think of it as bootcamp for drinks.

This is (probably) a limited time offer so if you like a nice minty drink, get it while the gettin's good. I got this at Target so you should have no problem finding it.

Website
http://www.drinkhint.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling, Water
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 10th, 2018
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Archer Farms Cold Brew Mocha

Archer Farms Cold Brew Mocha

Oh cold brew. What did you do to me? Now I drink coffee? Thirty years I didn't touch the stuff and then all of a sudden "maybe coffee ain't that bad." You jerk. While I only drink one cup a day in the morning, it's still there and wasn't before. It makes me more "adult" than I care to be. Regardless, I now buy and drink coffee like some suit bastard.

How is this? It's a bit syrupy. If I could take the words out of the colleague that I let/made try it, he said that it tasted like the mocha was some sort of syrup that had taken over. It tasted like mocha coffee but the chocolate was very lingering and overpowering. I didn't hate it but it could have been backed off a bit. First sip was great but after a while, you kind of realized that something was happening.

I don't think this was terribly expensive and it's only 70 calories so would I buy it again? Eh, maybe. There's enough "mocha cold brew" out there that you don't have to be married to just one. It's a wonderful, polyamorous world for cold brew. It's like the Utah of the coffee world. Does that make sense? It's the singles cruise for coffee? What I'm getting as is that if you can sleep around, do it. Don't get married too soon. Plenty of cool boobs and butts out there to discover. This is no longer a review of coffee and has taken a PG turn. Shield your eyes, children. Mike's talking about sweater meat again.

Website
http://sites.target.com/site/en/supertarget/page.jsp?title=brands&brand=archerFarms
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 4th, 2018
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Trader Joe's Herbal Flavored Water Lemongrass Spearmint

Trader Joe's Herbal Flavored Water Lemongrass Spearmint

This was nice. I've got a head cold. I wish I could appreciate this more. Instead, it's just a flavored water. It's not super minty like Metromint. I miss Metromint. Man, that chocolate one was great. It doesn't taste like toothpaste which, while doesn't need to be said, should be noted at very least. The lemongrass, yeah, she's there. It's not strong but it's present.

Trader Joe's on a Sunday with your kid who just spit potatoes au gratin in your hands isn't the best way to close a weekend but this was a nice, pleasant way to kind of "round the edges" a little bit.

Website
http://www.traderjoes.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Water
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on November 12th, 2018
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