Mike Literman (720 reviews)
JB's Lemon
Charles, a mild mannered man, loved jazz. He didn't play and instruments himself, unless you consider the most cacophonous junior year of high school ever when he played guitar. He spent most nights alone in what used to be smoky jazz clubs in the city. Now they are smoke free and he is happy about that, but he admits that it misses a certain...something. He loves the greats like Maceo, Monk, and Miles as well as new cats.
Last night he went to a club downtown that just opened up a few weeks ago called JB's. He walked up to the entrance, and there was a man doing mime outside. He looked inside and there were TV's playing sports and people yelling. In the very back corner, he saw a man playing guitar. He heard the rest of a band, but couldn't see him through the crowd. He approached the doorman and said to him, "Is this a jazz club? It doesn't look like one and you advertised it as one." The doorman rudely said, "What are you, the bar police? Pay the five dollar cover and go inside if you want to see what JB's is all about." Charles reluctantly did and headed right towards the guitar player.
He shuffled through the people towards the guitarist so quickly that he didn't realize that there was no band at all. The man with the guitar was playing along with an iPod playing jazz. He was good, but it wasn't the same. He approached the bar and asked for something to drink. The bartender asked what he wanted and he asked what the house specials were. The bartender said that JB's has their own line of drinks and gave him a list. Charles, knowing this night was going to be quicker than intended and he was probably going to leave soon, got a lemon tea. He took a sip and expected that it was going to be awful like the rest of the club. He was wrong. The tea had a nice lemon flavor and decent tea flavor. It obviously wasn't something you would make at home and tasted pretty manufactured, but he liked it more than a lemon Brisk. It tasted more real than that.
He finished up his tea, tipped the bartender, said goodbye to the doorman and got in his car to go home. It was only eight and he was too upset to stay out so he went home. That was the last time that he went to JB's for the jazz but on occasion, he would stop in during the day and get an iced tea and talk to all the creepy day-drinkers.
- Website
- http://www.facebook.com/jbstea
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- High Fructose Corn Syrup
- Categories
- Iced Tea
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman 7 hours, 59 minutes ago
Faygo Original Orange
Kel loves orange soda. I don't really know why he chose to mention it so much. Orange, to me, is never fantastic. It's just "good" all the time. It's better in certain scenarios, like BBQ's and picnics, but for the most part, it's not something to love. Kel, I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying you should update your "love list" of pop. I know you've got one. You seem like the type of guy that has an ongoing list of things he loves and more frequently than you would imagine he updates it, reorders it, and tweaks it so he knows just what he wants out of life. The more you think about it, the better of an idea it seems. It's like a wish board that inspires you to go for what you want in life.
This pop shouldn't be on the list. It's good. Nicely sweet, nicely flavored, but it's just an orange pop. Cane sugar or not, sweeteners can't bring this drink out of the rut that it is destined to be in.
If his list is anything like mine, there are things like a Lamborghini Countach, tacos, and a vintage stainless steel Rolex Datejust on it. He and I may be completely different, though. I've never met the dude. Kel, if you're listening, you are more than welcome to do a guest review and clear up with the general public exactly what is on your wish list.
- Website
- http://www.faygo.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Soda Pop
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman 1 day, 9 hours ago
Real Soda Torrance Berry
Sally, you've got your science project due tomorrow right? Did you do it? Oh really? Come on, Sally. Don't lie to your daddy. Did you do it? You did? Well let me see it. As a scientist, I need to see what science projects leave this house. I know you're only ten but I've got a reputation in this community as a fantastic scientist and if you leave this house with a Styrofoam mobile of planets or a baking soda volcano I will be the laughing stock of the science community.
What was your project on? Mixing liquids? That seems interesting. Acids and bases? That type of stuff? Oh, look at you. Using words like carbon dioxide and oxygen. You're a regular chip off the old block. So, what did you make? Oh, a bottle of pop. That's actually a pretty good use of mixing liquids, Sally. Oh, you drew a little cartoon on the label. What's that? A bear driving a hot rod down the road filled with bubbles on a picnic placemat. Well, I've got to say, for a ten year old, that's pretty detailed. How does it taste? Oh, you like it. Well that's good. Do you have any extra? Oh, thank you. I'll just have a little glass. It's close to bedtime and I don't like sweets so close to bed, but my doctor does. Ha ha ha! Oh, that's a little dad joke. No big deal. Sally, how much sugar did you use in this? What did you use for the flavor? You mushed up mixed berry jelly you took from IHOP this morning? I guess that is a pretty easy way to get flavor. It does taste just like how “berry” would taste, not knowing what kind or kinds of berry or berries I'm ingesting.
This isn't good and it meets my approval. I think that the teacher might agree with me but if you could make some more bottles, I bet your little friends would love it. You kids love your sugar but my checkbook sure doesn't. Ha ha ha! Oh just another dad joke.
- Website
- http://www.realsoda.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Soda Pop
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman 2 days, 3 hours ago
Tum-E Yummies Orange
Having a kid, I am at the forefront on whether or not to use "baby talk." I can safely say that in the one single year of my son's life, I have never used baby talk or have I wanted to. Just reading the title of this drink aloud to him would null and void my streak. I understand that this is a drink for kids, but this is a phrase for babies. The only thing that could make the title of this drink any worse would be to change the "Y" in "yummies" to an "N." I can't even bring myself to type that out. Awful. Simply terrible.
Name aside, who doesn't love a nice, sweet orange drink? There is no edge, as I was expecting in this drink. It's smooth, which is strange. It's not creamy, which would be insanely disgusting. It just goes down well and doesn't choke you up. At first I thought that it was a bit Freez-e-pop-esque but I take that back. It did not taste at all like a real orange, and thinking it would is crazy. It tastes like candy orange and that is fine with me. I might prefer that to authentic orange unless it's orange juice. Let oranges do what they're good at and if you're not going to use real oranges, make something the same color that vaguely at best tastes like it. Hey, it worked for grapes.
Now I kind of want a grape version of this to see if it would solidify my point. I reckon it would.
- Website
- http://www.tumeyummies.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- High Fructose Corn Syrup
- Categories
- Juice
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman 2 days, 6 hours ago
Mr. Brown Iced Coffee
Mr. Brown, so nice to meet you. I'm sorry, but I've got to get this out of the way because I'll be thinking of it this entire meeting. You look remarkably like a mix between Dom Delouise and Wimpy from Popeye. I hope that doesn't offend you, but I have to speak my mind. That’s why you brought me in here, right? Honestly? Right? No? Oh, you made a new coffee drink. Well fantastic. I always thought you should expand the line. What have you got for me? Iced coffee? I like it. Let's have a drink here.
What a delightfully small and nearly indestructible can you've got here. Man, you're not cutting corners on this thing. It's un-crushable. I like that you're ruling out the "I'm going to get drunk and smash this can on my forehead." demographic. This would knock a brother out, Mr. Brown! Let's get down to taste, though. That's what's going to push product, not this nuke-proof bottle. You know what? This is coffee. It's cold coffee with a little bit of sugar. It's very coffee tasting and isn't for haters of coffee but please, those people aren't for us anyhow. This is a nice morning drink when you don't feel like burning your mouth or tasting your receptionist's garbage, burnt coffee. Did you ever think of that? We're a coffee company and Sally makes the world’s worst coffee. She just lets it sit in the pot for hours, doesn't make more, and it just gets old or burnt or both. That's not what we want in these cans and that's not what we want in this office. She's fine. Please don't tell her I said that. She's a dear. She's a dear who just needs to pay more attention to her coffee.
Mr. Brown. You have made another wonderful product. People will think of your name when they think of coffee. You will be synonymous. Coffee? Oh, Mr. Brown. Congratulations, sir. You've done it again.
- Website
- http://www.mrbrown.com.tw
- Country
- Taiwan
- Sweetener
- Sugar
- Categories
- Coffee
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman 5 days, 10 hours ago
- Buy Now
- Mr. Brown Iced Coffee
Vavel Blackcurrent
You know it was really nice meeting you, Sam. You know what? I will go home with you. Let's get in this cab and head back to your place. Oh...you live here? This is a rough part of town, isn't it? Well, I feel safe with you so let's just get inside quickly because that guy over there across the street has shifty eyes like in cartoons where a dog has shifty eyes because he's up to no good.
Oh, this is...this is where you live? Oh, no...It's nothing...I just...well I just thought because you were so well kempt that...you know...your house would be, too. It's fine. It's fine. Let's just get to your room. Sam, why are we going in the basement? Oh...it is damp down here. Is that pipe leaking? Why does it...no...nevermind. No...I can't say it. You know what? I might go home. All of a sudden I don't feel so hot...well I was going to say it smells a lot like sweaty feet down here. Man it's damp down here. Do you have like seventeen humidifiers running in here?
Please don't tell me you sleep on a twin mattress on the floor. You do? Sam. Come on. You have a $400 watch on, $200 shoes, and nice clothes. Why do you live like this? How can it smell like feet so much down here! Jesus! Yes, Sam. Thank you. I will have a drink. I'm going to need it. Thanks. Is this red wine? What is it? Black current? I don't know. Oh, it's just juice? Alright. Ugh. What is going on? Is that the way this drink tastes or is this cranberry juice made with someone's old, sweaty feet? There is too much going on. Is this juice bad? Did you serve me old, bad juice? It's not expired. Look, once it's in my mouth, it just tastes like a liquid version of those delicious canned cranberries you eat on Thanksgiving. When you bring it to your mouth though...feet.
Sam. I can't do this. I'm sorry. You have a good nice and it was really nice meeting you. I'm going to call a cab and wait on your front stoop and hope that the shifty guy outside doesn't come towards me or I will kick him so hard he's going to be shifting in places he wishes he wasn't. Good night, Sam. Please lose my phone number.
- Country
- Poland
- Sweetener
- Sugar
- Categories
- Juice
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman 6 days ago
Cascade Ice Lemonade
Girlfriend, you know I love you. I know you, too, and I know that you like things that sparkle: diamonds, gems, rubies, and the lot. I can't wait until your birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, or even Sweetest Day to let you in on this secret, but I bought you something that sparkles. It's not much, but when I saw it I thought of you. Here, my baby. This is for you.
What do you mean "What is it?" It's sparkling lemonade. It's sparkles, like my girl. Go ahead. Taste it. What do you think? It's good, right? Yeah. Baby. That's right. It's good, right? Baby? Do you like it? What's that questioning look? Oh. It's that it wasn't jewelry. That's fine. Oh, you do like it. Great. It's pretty good. A little diet, yes. Your delightful little tongue is no liar. It's not a terrible lemonade flavor. It's not too bad. For only two calories it could surly be a whole lot worse.
So there you are, one bottle of a sparkling drink for my sparkling fiancé. You've earned it. Speaking of earning it, I believe that you mentioned something about a chocolate cream pie. I believe I am quite deserving of that.
- Website
- http://www.cascadeicewater.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sucralose
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman 6 days, 7 hours ago
Coco Rico Coconut
Jeremy, do you have coconuts for sale? You do? How much are they? Oh that's way too much. Do you have dent and scratch coconuts? You do? Is there anything wrong with them? They're old? Hmm. How old is old? Oh, that is old. You know what? If they smell fine, I'll take them. Can I get a discount since they're old? Awesome. Alright, I'll take a couple cases. What am I doing with them? Making pop. Yeah, coconut pop. I figure I'm one of the only ones I can have a nice corner of the market. Yes, I'm sure that better quality coconuts would make a better product. Sweetener? Corn syrup. Look, I've got to conserve money. This economy is garbage. Corn syrup and old coconuts is what my company will start with and as soon as things get better, we'll upgrade to better things.
I have made a sample batch, yes. It tastes a little thick and a little like coconut. The sweetener is a bit off, if I can be honest. I'm hoping people get hooked so when we pull the switch on cane sugar, it's a significant improvement. It's nice to have a constantly improving company and that's why I'm sacrificing quality initially.
Jeremy, thanks. I appreciate your help. I have written you a check for sixteen dollars for eighteen cases of old and damaged coconuts. I will send you some samples when I get them finished up. You don't want any? Alright dude, your loss.
- Website
- http://www.goodo.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- High Fructose Corn Syrup
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman 1 week, 1 day ago
Jones Dwarven Draught Root Beer
Gilius Thunderhead was a strong dwarf who was an accomplished blacksmith. He became so strong became he was always wielding a hammer against an old fashioned anvil. He made swords, axes, railings, and everything in between. His favorite things to create were double-edged axes because he could get artistic and put all sorts of intricate filigree within the metal.
To unwind, he enjoyed drinking root beer. Sure, he's a short, tough guy, but he enjoys his sweets just like anyone. The company appreciated him buying case after case so much that they renamed their super-successful root beer to "Dwarven Draight" and Gilius was more than pleased. He liked the root beer because it was sweet, had a bit of complexity, and the taste stayed with you for a while.
The only group that he wouldn't share his root beer with was the Death Adders because they killed his brother and were generally quite mean and tactless. If you could hear the jokes they would make about minorities you wouldn't as much as share a stick of gum with them. Terrible, terrible people.
- Website
- http://www.jonessoda.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Pure Cane Sugar
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman 1 week, 2 days ago
Roboin 36 Black Cherry
The terrorists really win when you drink this stuff. They come at you from all angles and all you can think is, "It'll be alright" as you are getting shot every which way. Do not go into battle after you drink this stuff. Do not operate heavy machinery because when you're driving a gigantic dump truck thinking, "I feel really relaxed right now." you're running over half a dozen cars and you don't even know it.
This drink works. I feel totally relaxed and quite apathetic at the world around me. Sure, it doesn't take much to get me to that point but the former is a stretch. I am just a little sleepy but even when I say that I know as soon as my head touches the pillow my day will be over and then some.
This stuff could not taste more like medicine. Even down to the light carbonation/stinging, this drink does not fail to deliver in its familiar yet undesirable taste. What it lacks in a nice, soft, black cherry taste, it makes up for in actual results. I could probably take a punch in the face with a smile about now. There's nothing in this drink that is medicinal either. The only unnatural ingredient is the corn syrup. Everything else is just a relaxation herb.
This drink makes me feel like the first few times I had a Bob Marley tea, so if you want that feeling all over again, and you don't need to drive a backhoe and your city isn't overrun by terrorists, this is a great drink that you should enjoy exorbitantly responsible because it could end you and you couldn't care about it.
- Website
- http://www.roboin36.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- High Fructose Corn Syrup
- Categories
- Relaxation
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman 1 week, 4 days ago