Mike Literman (1742 reviews)

Mike loves new drinks. He's drank some gross stuff in his day, and this blog is making him drink even more against his will. That being said, he wouldn't trade it in for the world. He loves new beverages and is always, and always will be, on a quest for something new.

Ocean Spray Pact Cranberry Blood Orange

Ocean Spray Pact Cranberry Blood Orange

Question: Is it infused if it takes the color and flavor of the fruit? It seems like it's just a juice at that point.

Story: This is good. I saw it at an Aldi and left the line I was in while the people in front of me argued about bringing bags and the people behind me screamed at someone on the phone about how they're going to beat the hell of them when they see them. I'm painting a picture of what it's like to Aldi by me. Yes, it's a verb. I could not get out of there fast enough. It's not always like that but when it rains it pours.

Review: This is good. I'm at work after a long weekend just drinking some fruity juice water. It's good. Best of all, you can't really tell that it's fake sugar. I believe previously that you could. Perhaps they improved the recipe. From a drink standpoint it's good. I certainly get more cranberry than blood orange or even citrus at all. Did that make it lose points? Nope. It was still good. I would get it again. For the eleventh time, though, this is juice. Give Vitamin Water to a child and have a discussion about whether or not it's water or juice. Hint makes water with fruit essence in it. This is not that.

Website
http://www.oceanspray.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Erythritol
Categories
Juice, Water
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman 1 week, 1 day ago
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Stumptown Cold Brew Chocolate w/ Cream & Sugar

Stumptown Cold Brew Chocolate w/ Cream & Sugar

Can I just say, "Wow. 5 bottles." and call it a day? Let me check with management for a minute here...

{ Walks up 45 flights of stairs due to a broken elevator. Waits in a waiting room for four hours. Gets told that the boss has left and to come back tomorrow. Walks down 46 flights of stairs. Goes home. Fights with wife and kids. Goes to sleep on the couch. Wakes up with a bad back and cold because the dog pulled the blanket off in the middle of the night. Notices a ticket on the car. Gets in a traffic jam on the way to work. Gets to work fifteen minutes late and misses breakfast pizza because "fat Joan" decided to eat eleven pieces because "she just can't help herself." Walks up 45 flights of stairs. Waits three hours. Door opens. }

The boss said that I can say "Wow. 5 bottles." if I also add that it's really rich and creamy and has a wonderful chocolate milk quality to it.

Website
http://www.stumptowncoffee.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Natural Cane Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
5/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 3rd, 2018
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Protein2o Protein Infused Water Tropical Coconut

Protein2o Protein Infused Water Tropical Coconut

Pina colada. Not too shabby, right? It’s a little cup of summertime. I think it's illegal in most states to sell it when it's not summer. It would devalue it too much. It would also taste bad since the environmental climate is unbalanced in respect to the required prerequisites of the pineapple and coconut. Science stuff, man. Just trust us.

This is full of protein and you can taste it in every sip. There is no getting around it. It's amazing this is a liquid and not sludge. 15 grams of protein is no joke. It tastes a bit chalky, as you would probably guess. Even six hours of refrigeration can't save you from it. It tastes alright, though. Chalk aside. It has a good pina colada taste but you can taste the immense amount of protein and you can also taste the sucralose that makes it a little gross but a whole bottle clocking in at sixty calories is not an easy feat. Cut whatever corners you have to.

All in all, if you are trying to bulk up (bro) this isn't a bad place to start. Gains.

Website
http://www.drinkprotein2o.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Sports/Dietary Supplement, Water
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 2nd, 2018
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Canvas Fiber + Protein Shake Cocoa

Canvas Fiber + Protein Shake Cocoa

Cocoa I'm familiar with!

Through all the grit and grime of this drink, I found it to taste pretty good. What "grit and grime" you say? Well, this being a protein drink laden with grains, nut bits and coconut parts, it tends to have a bit of a texture to it. This, if you are at all familiar with protein and/or fiber drinks, is common. Let's start with the "bad" which is more informational than literally bad or gross. This contains coconut milk which can tend to give drinks a bit of a chalky taste or texture to it. If you have drunk anything with coconut milk in the past, you know what I am talking about. This was relatively cold but the chalk had already taken over. Personally, unless coconut milk, flavored or not, is ice cold, it tastes like that to me. Protein drinks have a bit of grit to them because the more protein you add to a drink, the thicker or grittier it gets because you can only mush up foodstuffs so much. This contains 11g of fiber and 8g of protein at the same time so it's got some thickness to it.

But who cares about all of that, right? How does it taste. It tastes good. It tastes like a good quality cocoa. Lighter than a chocolate milk but a good, honest cocoa. There is some (coconut) sugar and coconut milk so it's at least smooth and sweet and not some revolting, bittersweet chocolate that tastes more punishing than good.

This one, as opposed to the chai, I would drink again. I bet you could use this as a meal replacement. People would be jealous that you are drinking chocolate instead of wasting your time with pesky things like tacos, pizza and ham. Chewing is for idiots, right? Don't be a follower. Don't be an idiot. Drink to live. Drink for life.

Website
http://https://drinkcanvas.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Coconut Sugar
Categories
Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 25th, 2018
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Canvas Fiber + Protein Shake Chai

Canvas Fiber + Protein Shake Chai

It's been quite some time since I've drank something with so much substance. It's gritty and grainy and if you are not into these types of drink or like protein rich foods and drinks, walk on past this guy because she is thick. She's also not too shabby. I admittedly don't drink a lot of chai. I like it but I don't drink a lot of it. Why? Some things just happen.

Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine is mad about having to shake orange juice and Jerry makes fun of her by lightly shaking it? This is like that but I feel like you constantly have to shake it. It might be so concentrated that there is no room for anything to "settle." It might just be dense. Thick and dense. I think that I'm drinking the drink incantation of myself.

To the flavor. It's a good, honest flavor and good representation of chai but somehow allows all of the ingredients to shine through. Cashew, coconut, ginger, chai, turmeric, salt. It's all in there and it all tastes good. It's a good drink. Would I drink it again? Eh, no. That just has to do with me not drinking chai. I've got other flavors I might not be so quick to dismiss.

In short, if you like chai and aren't afraid of a little grit, you've got a champion contender on your hands. If you are wavering on any of the aforementioned criteria, this might just be strange.

Website
http://https://drinkcanvas.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Coconut Sugar
Categories
Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 18th, 2018
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Chin Chin Coffee Blue Mountain Style

Chin Chin Coffee Blue Mountain Style

This is the last baby can of coffee I've got to review. It half makes me sad but between you and I, I've got extra duplicates at home that I can enjoy whenever I want.

I don't know why I like this stuff so much. It's the same review as it always is; it's sweet but not too sweet. It's smooth because of the milk (powder). This did taste a little different but I wouldn't be able to explicitly say, "Oh, that's a Blue Mountain right there." It's got a great coffee taste and is not bitter at all. It's good, though. I don't know why we filthy American's don't embrace stuff like this. This is sweetened, canned coffee. We love coffee here. Embrace it, turds. You'll love it. Why do I call you turds? Because this is my website, not yours. This is my soapbox. You don't talk to the man on the soapbox because he's got something important to say. I mean, he brought that box to make a statement and he's going to do it.

Go to your local Asian market and get this. It's not hard to find. Buffalo is hardly a metropolis. If you are in an equal sized city, you've got a bunch of markets. Just walk in, grab a couple cans, pay for them, and sit in your car and cry because your wife left you for a younger man. Also, drink this.

Website
http://enogee.com/Drink.php?ord=Bst&Drink=21&Title=ChinChin_-_Vitality_Boost_energy_drink_review
Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 27th, 2018
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Chin Chin Coffee Cappuccino

Chin Chin Coffee Cappuccino

So much Taiwanese coffee. I have been sharing the "wealth" and turning people on my team on to the Chin Chin's and the Mr. Brown's of the world. This is good. I don't drink cappuccino. Does it normally have chocolate in it? Is it coffee beans or espresso beans? Who cares? It was good. It was as smooth as you would want plus that little bit of chocolate turned it into a nice little dessert after lunch. Thirty Helens agree that this cappuccino is worth the $0.79 I paid for it. I would have been able to drink the whole can but you know what? Share it with a friend. It's 9.1 ounces. It is fine, even if it is sweet. Hence, split the difference and make your friend happy. He just had to listen to you talk about your dumb kids for like fifteen minutes. The least you can do is offer him $0.395 worth of cappuccino. Plus, even in this day and age, saying that you will share cappuccino makes you sound like a real fancy pants. Tell your country mom and dad that you bought someone a cappuccino and you will impress them more than when you just barely passed high school and got a solid 2.3 GPA in college. Let's face it, if you were truly bound to do great things, you wouldn't need to impress them with phrases like "I bought my roommate a cappuccino." and "I just got promoted to assistant manager at the candle store, daddy."

Website
http://enogee.com/Drink.php?ord=Bst&Drink=21&Title=ChinChin_-_Vitality_Boost_energy_drink_review
Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 22nd, 2018
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Mr. Brown Iced Coffee Macadamea Nut

Mr. Brown Iced Coffee Macadamea Nut

Mr. Brown. What's wrong? Why are you sweating? Come into my office. I heard you yelling at my receptionist. What's going on? There was a murder? What happened? A stabbing? Mr. Brown. That's a very intimate way to murder a man. I'm pretty sure the last time we spoke I told you not to murder someone, didn't I? That's what did it? I put the idea in your head? Don't put this on me, Mr. Brown. You are the one that stabbed someone. How many times? Seventy two times? Who was it? Your gardener? What did he do? Trim your topiary incorrectly? He formed it into a what? A wiener?! Mr. Brown, that's no reason to stab a guy six dozen times. Well I don't know what type of service I can offer you but...oh...you know what? Good thing you came in here. I wanted to talk to you about something. What? Yes, I think those are police cars. Hey I wanted to tell you that I tried this Macadamia Nut iced coffee and it's some of your best work. Sure you can lock the door. Take a seat, Mr. Brown. You're making me nervous. I'm trying to tell you that I really liked this iced coffee. It's smooth, like I would expect anything else from you but the nuttiness is very prevalent and enjoyable. I would never tell you to change your cans or serving sizes but it was hard not to open another one. I know what's right for me and if I have a second can of your coffee, I'd be bouncing off the walls much like you are doing. Why are you so nervous? Oh, right, the stabbing. You can try to jump out the window but we're on the second floor. You have a nice suit on. It would be a shame if you scuffed it up when you hit the ground. You think you can do it? You're really going to have to tuck and roll to pull this off, Mr. Brown. You're going to do it? Well don't let me get in the way. I'll actually help you out with the window as the latch is a bit tricky. Well if you don't get caught are we still on for Saturday at the golf course? Alright. Oh, you have a plus one? Your other gardener? Is he a good golfer? Better than me? Mr. Brown, you're as good a comic as you are a murderer. Have a good one. I'll talk to you soon if you don't get in trouble. I think they're knocking down my office doors. Remember to bend at the knees. Take care, Mr. Brown.

Website
http://www.mrbrown.com.tw
Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 21st, 2018
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Chin Chin Coffee Classic

Chin Chin Coffee Classic

Something about this coffee takes me back in time, to a time that I never knew. The sunny 1970's. With every sip I feel my hair get greasier and my pants get wider. I feel the shag in the carpet get shaggier and all of a sudden all the walls have mirrors on them.

This coffee is sweet coffee with cream in it. Deal with it. Want black coffee? Get the hell out of my house. Get the hell out of my wood paneled house that all of a sudden plays nothing but Abba songs. It's not too sweet and neither the sugar nor the cream detracts from a decent coffee. I think some might think that it's too sweet but it's not going to put air holes in me ol' chompers. Is it going to win any awards? Probably not but I'm not going to turn it down when offered. Who is offering me Taiwanese coffee drinks in indestructible steel cans? No one. I need to find new friends.

Website
http://enogee.com/Drink.php?ord=Bst&Drink=21&Title=ChinChin_-_Vitality_Boost_energy_drink_review
Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 21st, 2018
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Gatorade Flow Smooth Finish Watermelon Mist

Gatorade Flow Smooth Finish Watermelon Mist

Get the hell out of the way! The new, limited edition Gatorade's are here! What? What do you mean they're nothing special? What do you mean they just taste like regular Gatorade? What do you mean my fly is down? Man, why am I running then? When they say "Limited Edition" I feel the urgency in my bones and have to get it before it's too late. I guess they wouldn't take it away in less than a day so we can walk together. I'll buy you one.

So what do you think? Here's what I think and I'm not happy to say so. It just tastes like the same old Gatorade that's always existed. If they call it "Flow Smooth Finish," which is perhaps the most difficult phrase I've ever said, I might give them the benefit of the doubt and say that it might be smoother. Was I asking for a smoother Gatorade? No, but I suppose that it's always welcome. Why wouldn't you want the smoothest possible drink? Seems luxurious. As far as flavor goes, I know what a watermelon tastes like and this tastes like a candy watermelon just not as sweet. Maybe it falls between difference between a real watermelon and a fake watermelon. It's not bad and I am having no problem crushing this whole bottle.

When it's gone, it's gone. By the time it leaves, I'm sure there will be several other limited edition Gatorade's that come and go. It's not like they're hard to find. They sell them everywhere. We will watch the tides of Gatorade change like the seasons. Like toxic, watermelon and fruit punch flavored waves which shall bring upon the inevitable death of all mankind and organic life.

Website
http://www.gatorade.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 20th, 2018
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