Smoothie (34 reviews)
Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Mango
We here at Thirsty Dudes have not been too stroked on the Suavva line. In fact both of the other flavors we have reviewed have gotten the lowest rating possible. As is to be expected, I have been very hesitant to try this third flavor, and it’s been staring at me every time I open my fridge for the past month or so. Sometimes you need to just buckle down and power through an experience, and that is what I had prepared myself for today. I expected to make it 2-3 sips into this bottle, but to my surprise it actually tastes decent.
I guess cacao just needs a strong fruity flavor to combat its strong superfruit taste. I find it odd that most superfruits taste kind of similar. It’s like they all use acai as a weird mutated grape tasting base. Due to that it’s no surprise that this reminds me of mango and acai mixed, with a little something extra in there. Luckily that something extra is not the paint smell/taste that mike mentioned in his review of the original variety. The mango flavor takes center stage in this, and I am grateful because that means I will be able to make it through the entire bottle and gain the benefits of the antioxidants from the cacao.
- Website
- http://www.suavva.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Agave Nectar
- Categories
- Smoothie
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper 5 days ago
- Comments
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Naked Boosted Blue Machine
Did you ever wonder why Gargamel was always trying to get at the Smurfs? Some theories are that he wanted to turn them into gold, he thought they would be a delicious treat or that he just hated them and wanted to destroy them. Truth is that good ole Gargy just needed their blood to power his doomsday machine. He was actually quite upset about their eventual destruction. He spent many a late nights sitting up with Azrael, crying about how such innocent creatures needed to die just so he could completely destroy the rest of the human race. You see at school everyone picked on him for being bald and ugly. Oh, you didn’t know that Gargamel was actually a high school student? Well he was. The entire Smurf world was really just a school shooting about to happen. It was sad really to see a boy so confused.
Eventually Gargy grew up and started a Fortune 500 company. He invested a lot and created this juice in homage to the creatures he once thought he had to destroy. All proceeds go to Smurfs all around the world. It’s like reparations: reparations that are a mixture of blueberries, blackberries, apples and a banana. It mostly just tastes like blueberries though with some other flavors around the edges. Gargamel tried to list them as Smurfberries on the label, but the FDA wouldn’t hear a word of it. If he had just reversed the percentages of blackberries to blueberries this would perhaps be the world’s finest drink, but alas he did not and what we are left with is still delicious.
- Website
- http://www.nakedjuice.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 4/18/2013
- Comments
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Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Chocolate
Mike gave the original version of this beverage a less than stellar review. The one line of his review that stuck with me, and also made me fear drinking the other flavors was, “It also smells like paint.” Nothing could make me want to taste something less than the smell of paint. Lucky for me when I finally gathered the courage to try this, the scent of paint was nowhere near my nostrils. They were only filled with the rich smell of chocolate.
Actually, maybe I wasn’t so lucky that the paint smell wasn’t there. Had it been I would have been more prepared for the way this tasted. I have never had cacao juice before, but I never would have expected it to taste like this. I mean it’s the base of chocolate for crying out loud. This tastes like it’s bitter, bitter dark chocolate mixed with acai or some such harsh fruit. It’s sweet, but in all the wrong ways. I wanted to like this because it has a lot of health benefits and I love chocolate, especially dark chocolate. I couldn’t bring myself to get further into this than three sips. I was hoping it would get better if I drank more, but nope it was still grosser than gross.
- Website
- http://www.suavva.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Agave Nectar
- Categories
- Smoothie
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 4/16/2013
- Comments
- View and Leave A Comment
Naked Boosted Red Machine
Silly Americans. You thought the cold war was over and that you had won. You believed the movie Clue when it told you that Communism was nothing but a red herring and that capitalism was the true motivator. You have been duped and now we have infiltrated your very culture. Who do you think own all the Red Robin restaurants? It is us, working on getting you fat and slovenly. Did you really think that Red Bull was there to just help you get through your day? We created the company in order to weaken your hearts for the battles to come.
We even have some products over there for the sole benefit of our agents who are stuck on your soil. With all the garbage that you produce and consume we needed to make sure there were some things that were healthy for our people to consume. We bribed some of the higher ups at Naked and they created a special blend for us that they call “Red Machine.” It is a mixture of all of the finest communist fruits to remind our people what they are fighting for. Each bottle contains 13 raspberries, 11 strawberries, 3 cranberries, ¼ of a pomegranate, 1 ½ of an apple and 7 red grapes. We also mixed in 1/3 of an orange and ½ of a banana, as well as a bunch of other vitamins and the like to ensure continued health. While you and your countrymen choke on their excessive calorie and sugar intake, the people’s people will remain at the peak of their health drinking these wonderful prepackaged smoothies. They taste like nothing but wonderful red fruit. It has been formulated so that the other ingredients are not evident in the taste. What you get has a strong berry flavor with the slightest hints of the bitterness of cranberries and pomegranate.
America, you stand no chance. Our day will come soon, and on that day all class struggles will cease to be. You will be too bloated with weak hearts to stop us.
- Website
- http://www.nakedjuice.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 4/11/2013
- Comments
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Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Original
I'm so glad that you could join me for lunch, Charles. It's been too long. I'm sorry we had to meet like this, at a shopping mall food court to eat Sbarro's but we are two busy men that rarely have time for leisure like this. Yes, you and I have made quite a name for ourselves, what with me owning a successful underwear line and you being the impresario of subway covers. We still manage to stay fit and trim and this is our treat to ourselves: A nice slice of pizza from Sbarro's.
Wait...what's this about? This doesn't taste like the Sbarro's that I used to know and love. Remember when we used to go to the mall as kids in Queens and eat Sbarro's and it was the best? This pizza tastes like the box it came in. So disappointing. Good thing we've got these garlic knots to cancel out that blem. I also bought us some smoothies from that New Age shop next to the pet store but before the RV dealership. I don't know what happened to this mall. There is like a Claire's in here and almost nothing else. I swear that at one point there was a Saturn car dealership in here. So, as I was saying I bought us some cacao smoothies. I've had cacao before and it's like a bean than makes chocolate.
Ugh. Now what the heck is this about? Charles, I'm sorry but this is turning out to be the worst lunch I've ever had. This too tastes like the bottle it came in. What is happening? Why does everything taste like the receptacle that it came in? It tastes nothing like chocolate and is like a smooth, gooey mess. It also smells like paint.
Charles, I cannot apologize to you enough. If we could do this again sometime, please, you pick the place. This was a disaster. I love seeing you, but not like this. I hope that the sewer cover business is going well for you. It has to be better than this lunch.
- Website
- http://www.suavva.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Agave Nectar
- Categories
- Smoothie
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/15/2013
- Comments
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Naked Power-C Machine
Come on baby slip off that rind, take off those pesky seeds and let’s get down to business. No baby, don’t be embarrassed, there is no need for you to cover yourself up with sugar. You’re sweet enough as it is. You know I didn’t think you’d be down for this, but I’m glad you brought your friends along. This is going to be quite a party. To tell you the truth I’ve never been with so many fruits at once before. Baby, this is the best birthday present you could have ever given me. You’ve invited the strawberries, apples, peaches and mangos to the party. I love your juice baby doll. Orange juice is a classic and a standard and I don’t mean to put you down by saying that, but you know I have you all the time. When you mingle with all your friends you still shine brightly, along with the guavas and the mangos. The other fruits are just background in this party, and you three are all I see. You’re thick in all the right ways and I wish I could partake in you all day and night, but I’m only a single person baby, and I need a break every now and then.
- Website
- http://www.nakedjuice.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 11/2/2012
- Comments
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Sunkist Naturals Berry Cherry Bountiful
Some day, and I'm not proud of this, I look back at the last couple days and think to myself, "Holy crap, you idiot. You haven't had fruit in like three days." I'm downright ashamed of myself at times like this. The reflective times. I don't mean to, it's just that I hate bananas and don't like oranges and that's what my girlfriend keeps in the house. Now I know you're saying, "Mike, you can get fruit anywhere. Just buy it." and to that, I will respond with, "I know. Sometimes I just don't." which leads me to realizations like this where I don't eat as much fruit as even myself would like.
Remember when I was on that cruise and all I ate was fruit? What a happy life that was. Now, in my regular life, I eat hamburgers and tacos and ice cream. What a garbage diet. Now I came across this little guy and may be able to turn that all around. Cherries: like 'em. Raspberries: like 'em. Strawberries: Like 'em. Another secret gem to those who buy this is that there are blackberries. Another secret, which should be obvious, is that this is pretty good. You can taste all the fruits, which is great. There isn't any "grit" in there but it's still thicker than a juice, which is to be expected with anything that dares call itself a "smoothie." If you call yourself anything you'd better live up to it. Otherwise you're no better than ol' fruitless Mike.
- Website
- http://www.sunkistsoda.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Categories
- Smoothie
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 9/20/2012
- Comments
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Chia\Vie Smoothie Acerola Pina
I liked this drink a lot but man was it punishing. "Mike. Why would you drink something that punishes you, you dumb idiot?" I will tell you, friend. This tastes pretty good. I don't know what an Acerola is. I sure as sugar know what a pineapple is so one cancels out the other. I can tell you that this tastes like cherry pineapple smoothie with sand in it. Yes, I said sand. Jay and I love the Mamma Chia line of drinks and you would think that this is the same thing. Well, if you thought that, you would be wrong. Chia\Vie thought that it would be a good idea to grind up their Chia seeds. Why? I don't know. Is it to increase their effectiveness in your system? The eliminated the step of your body having to open up the seeds so now all it needs to do is absorb the goodness that is Chia seeds. That's my guess at least.
Back to the punishing part, though; It's good but sometimes the chia granules get stuck in my throat and I feel like I'm in the wild west, a place and time I have never actually been, and I got caught up in an ol' fashioned dust storm and didn't close my mouth soon enough and that pesky dirt got caught in my windpipe. It goes down and the flavor more than makes up for the humorous laughter that precedes almost every sip.
Mamma Chia is much smoother and calmer but I think that the flavor is stronger and this is more of a "juice with stuff in it" than a smoothie. Since I didn't write the book on what's what, I can't argue. This is good and I like it.
- Website
- http://www.drinkchiavie.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Categories
- Smoothie
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 6/7/2012
- Comments
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Chia\Vie Smoothie Mango-J
Did you know that chia seeds are what demigods grow from? True story. We’ve all heard the storied about how “primitive” people used to sacrifice virgins to their gods in order to appease them and ask for any number of gifts in return. Well that is just plain silly and barbaric. Somewhere along the line someone messed up a translation. You see in ancient times sacrifices were all the rage, but they had absolutely nothing to do with virgins. What does a god want with a virgin anyways? Nothing, that’s what. They are gods they can jut conjure up anything they like. Anything except one thing that is, and that thing is chia seeds. They are a sacred, sought after item for gods. You see much like Link needs to collect rubies in The Legend of Zelda in order to trade them for various weapons and dry goods, the gods much also collect chia seeds in order to trade them in for demigods. You see our life is meaningless to the ancient gods, except for the fact that they can use us to help gather chia seeds in order to win the game. Oh didn’t I mention that part? You see at the beginning of time, there were a bunch of bored gods. They sat around each other’s houses all the time bored, complaining that there was nothing to do and that being omnipotent was such a burden. One of them, maybe it was Odin (he always had the best ideas), came up with the idea for a game where all of the gods had to collect as much as something as possible, and then at a predetermined date they would count them all up and the one with the most one. It sounded boring at first, but then Odin, being the world’s first dungeon master, created an elaborate world in which the game would take place. In order to make the game harder, he created a new item called the chia seed. The gods could not just magically wish for them and they would appear. They had to have the inhabitants of the world gather the seeds for them. For every million seeds that were presented to them they could create an item that they were to be collecting. Everyone agreed that is was better than what they were doing so they began the game. After a while it seemed that it was taking all of the gods forever to collect the appropriate amount of chia seeds so Odin amended to rules so that the collected items would be demigods, and those demigods could also be used to raise more chia seeds. It was actually quite elaborate and Odin won a bunch of awards for it at the Omnipotent Awards that year.
So there you have it the true history of the gods and chia seeds. Now that the game is winding down the humans who once harvested the seeds for the gods have lost interest. To be honest they have pretty much lost all awareness of their task. Instead of gathering the seeds in order to present them to their specific gods they instead have started putting them in their beverages. You see not only are they good for creating demigods they are also chock full of fiber, omega-3 and antioxidants. Chia\Vie has made this drink with the seeds. They mixed some fruit juices and then ground down a bunch of chia seeds and added them to the drinks. It’s a little gritty, but not too bad. This specific flavor is supposed to be mango, but it ended up just tasting like cheap orange juice that had sat out for a long time and then rechilled. There’s a bit of mango in the mix, but old-orange is definitely the prevalent flavor.
- Website
- http://www.drinkchiavie.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Categories
- Smoothie
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 4/10/2012
- Comments
- View and Leave A Comment
Chia\Vie Smoothie Banapple Berry
I never took any still life drawing classes in high school or college. I nude modeled for a life drawing class and bought a pizza with the proceeds but that's a different story all together. Even though my life lacks the ability to mix paint, I don't need to look at a bowl of fruit for hours on end to know that a "banapple" is not a real fruit. I enjoy fruit, too. I had cantaloupe today, yesterday, and the day before. If that isn't dedication to fruit, I don't know what is. I enjoy looking at the exotic fruits with my lil' buddy Max when we go to the store. He holds on to dragonfruit, apricots, kumquats, and more. A banapple has never been on the shelves.
If this company invented a fruit just for this drink, that is incredible but I feel like that is science that should be better put to use making tacos out of thin air or something. Food science is food science, right? Don't waste your time bastardizing apples by adding a banana to them. If you made a pearana (the concatenation of a pear and a banana) that would be great because I hate those dudes.
Luckily for me, there isn't a strong presence of banana in this drink but there is a strong presence of a pretty great, smooth, berry drink. You don't even know the chia seeds are there, those of you who are concerned about a Mama Chia like drink. These chia seeds have been finely ground that they blend in with everything else and provides you with a nice, thick berry smoothie. I like it. Banapple, you know that apple is doing all the work, right? You are the kid in high school that relies on everyone else in the group to do the project while you sit back and play Ninja Gaiden.
- Website
- http://www.drinkchiavie.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Categories
- Smoothie
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/28/2012
- Comments
- View and Leave A Comment