Smoothie (54 reviews)

Starbucks Frappuccino Unicorn

Starbucks Frappuccino Unicorn

I don't understand what just happened. Every sip was different and every sip was strange. It was sour in some sips and just an explosion of some sort of mystery fruit in others. There were also glitter sprinkle sparkles on top.

I don't know what the flavor was. Was it strawberry? I think I read mango somewhere but if I put one next to the other, it wouldn't have been whatever I tasted in this. I mean, is "cotton candy" a fruit? It tasted like cotton candy at some points. Who is this for? Within the ten minutes that I was there, they sold a rather copious amount of them so they're doing something right. It won't last long but if it was up to me, I would have drank a dozen of that illusive Polar Unicorn Kiss that I/we never got to try before I would drink another one of these. Was it bad? I cannot even answer that question. It truly was made of the barf of unicorns.

Website
http://www.starbucks.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Not Listed
Categories
Other/Weird, Smoothie
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 19th, 2017
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Sprout Rise Morning Smoothie Apple Cinnamon

Sprout Rise Morning Smoothie Apple Cinnamon

Do you know me? Do you know what kind of being I am? Do you know what I like? What I crave? Do you know of my love for smoothies? Do you know that I also have a love for all things “apple cinnamon” flavored? Did you know that I could survive happily on smoothies for longer than your average person? Most importantly, did you know that I am not a horse? To be more specific, did you know that I am not a horse who has lost all of its teeth and needs to be fed a special paste? I think that you must not have been aware of that fact, sprout. Otherwise I can’t imagine why you would feed me this. This tastes like the bins of grain that were in my aunt’s barn for the horses to consume smelled. (There is definitely something not proper about that sentence). It’s like someone took a scoop of those grains, put them in a blender with some water and added an apple and a dash of cinnamon. The grain flavor is way stronger than anything else and it’s so very thick. I thought this would be something that I would really enjoy, but the ratios are off, or it needs a little something else to make me not feel like a sick horse. Maybe change who you’re marketing this towards? Actually, I think horses get put down before they get that far along. I don’t know who this is for anymore.

Website
http://www.sproutorganicfoods.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on November 30th, 2015
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Jubali Smoothie Carrot Cake

Jubali Smoothie Carrot Cake

Happy birthday to me. Well, actually since I’m over 21 and this is not a decade birthday for me it really is meaningless, but let’s pretend it does for the sake of this review. You see this beverage is my birthday cake. I didn’t have a real one, because you’re 36th birthday doesn’t mean a goddamn thing, so I’ll substitute a carrot cake smoothie in for a physical solid cake.

This is more intense than any real cake that would be served to me anyway. This beverage is basically what would happen if you made a vegan carrot cake, and took out all of the gluten elements of it. What you have left is a very thick concoction of carrots, banana (luckily it was invisible in the flavor), cinnamon, ginger and almond milk. It tastes exactly like carrot cake with double the amount of normal spices. The ginger and cinnamon in here are really intense. I’m not kidding it’s to an extent that it’s a challenge to drink the whole bottle, but it’s the kind of challenge that I like…okay I’m about 2/3 through the bottle and it’s getting hard to keep going with drinking this. It tastes exactly like it should, but man those spices are intense. This smoothie certainly isn’t for everyone, but if you love this specific type of spice and carrot cake is a passion of yours, by all means dive right in. I’m sitting here powering on, just regretting that I didn’t put a candle on this thing and blow it out like a dumb idiot.

Website
http://www.jubali.org/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Ginger, Juice, Smoothie
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on July 19th, 2015
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McDonalds McCafe Green Apple

McDonalds McCafe Green Apple

Happy Birthday, Morrissey. For your birthday I bought you a green apple smoothie from McDonald's. Yeah, it's the same McDonald's. Yeah, they still serve hamburgers. You know they do, man. Why would you ask that? Oh, you won't drink it? I doubt there is any hamburger in it. It was a joke. Come on. Here. I'll taste it first.

It's good. You would think it would be like a green apple Jolly Rancher but it actually tastes like real apples. You eat apples, don't you? Yeah. I thought so. Look, I'm not disrespecting your beliefs. I've seen you in concert twice and sang along to Meat Is Murder while you showed graphic videos of the mistreatment of animals. They're really enough to make people in PETA sick, honestly. It's got no extra sourness so you can enjoy the taste buds in your mouth the way that they were intended to be used.

What do you say? Do you want this drink that I managed to keep cold from Buffalo to jolly old England where I then had to hire a private investigator to find your rather nice and modest home? No? Cool. I'll just leave this here on your front porch. Happy birthday, Morrissey.

Website
http://www.mcdonalds.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Not Listed
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 22nd, 2015
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Tim Horton's Smoothie Orange Pineapple

Tim Horton's Smoothie Orange Pineapple

Pineapple and orange together is like a personal trip to the tropics. The Greek yogurt was a good, but different pick. Sure, we now eat it for breakfast but mixed in with a smoothie, it's a little gritty. I can't really pinpoint it. It's not smooth like a regional yogurt. A Mediterranean yogurt makes it a little less smooth. I'm not complaining. I'm reviewing. It was also thinner than a traditional smoothie. It was closer to a Slurpee than a smoothie.

That might be one of the most general, reviews Thirsty Dudes have ever written.

Website
http://www.timhortons.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Not Listed
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 2nd, 2015
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Nuwi Quinoa Smoothie Banana

Nuwi Quinoa Smoothie Banana

Number one: Eww. Banana. Number two: this isn't bad. Even with dumb banana hanging around it's not bad. Banana plays the supporting role in this drink while the rest of the heavy lifting is accomplished by quinoa. Normally I think that quinoa smells like urinal cakes so it's nice to see that it's doing something a little differently today.

This is a smoothie but it might not be for the faint of heart. It's slightly, oh so very slightly gritty. If you don't know that it's coming, you might be turned off but if you've ever drank a smoothie before, or if you aren't a gigantic wimp, you will be fine. You're not drinking sand here. It's a proper drink. It's thinner than, say, lassi but thick enough to have some element of substance. I don't feel it lingering around in my gums so it's not sticking. I suppose, if I had to give banana credit: it does taste like banana. Everything is natural in here and you shouldn't worry about anything tasting like it shouldn't. There are no candied bananas in here. All natural, mushed up bananas. Look, bananas suck but if you've got to eat them, drink them instead. This is not bad.

Website
http://www.nuwi.us
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Agave
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 21st, 2015
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Bolthouse Farms Berry Boost

Bolthouse Farms Berry Boost

Is it just me, or is 61 really a random number of berries to include in this juice/smoothie? I can only assume that testing was done to discover that this was the ideal amount, but it sounds completely arbitrary. Perhaps they had planned on using a nice even number, such as 60, and an executive said something along the lines of “people want more for their money, throw a single extra berry into each bottle.” I suppose it doesn’t matter the quantity, all that matters is that the combination of blackberries, elderberries, raspberries, boysenberries, strawberries and blueberries makes this a delicious drink that is true to its name. Sure it has a base of apple juice and has 1/3 of a gross banana in it for texture/consistency, but neither of those flavors stood a chance against the wave of 61 berries that washes over your taste buds with each sip.

I could be crazy and imagining it, but I believe if I concentrate while I drink it that I can make out the individual flavors of the types of berries used. Blackberry and raspberry are the most at the forefront, but I’m pretty sure I can make out the others swimming around in there. To me that is a sign of a good beverage. I like it when there aren’t many ingredients and you can taste them all… well except banana I never want to taste banana again as long as I live.

Website
http://bolthouse.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice, Smoothie
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on January 11th, 2015
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Innocent Pure Fruit Smoothie Kiwis, Apples & Limes

Innocent Pure Fruit Smoothie Kiwis, Apples & Limes

Of course after I spend a week and a half in the UK, and only have one day in Germany to grab all the drinks I can, I end up getting a juice that is produced not far from our home base back in England. Eh, I do what I do and who are you to judge me? Oh the people who read this site and make it worth doing? Okay, I’ll accept your judgment.

This juice sounded very interesting and it sounded like reality? Did I just blow your minds? Let me restate that, It tastes exactly like you would expect it to from the flavor. It’s mostly apple juice, with a little bit of kiwi added for a nice pleasant taste. It’s calming. It’s relaxing and it’s delicious. Then the lime sneaks up behind you and punches you square in the mouth. Suddenly it’s a whole new adventure. The lime is so strong and authentic tasting that it took me by surprise. I quickly grew to love it and before I could take a breath the bottle was gone. This is simply fruit juice that is thick and smooth and I loved every second of it.

Website
http://www.innocentdrinks.co.uk/
Country
United Kingdom
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice, Smoothie
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on May 13th, 2014
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Suja Essentials Berry Goodness

Suja Essentials Berry Goodness

Suja has expanded their line of beverages past the world of juice cleanses. While I appreciate the juice cleanse, I have to admit that for a lot of people it’s probably a fad, especially with the hefty price tag attached to it. There are also more and more companies popping up who are providing that service and sooner or later that bubble us bound to burst to some extent. Maybe it will blow up and some little bubbles will be left over, but one thing is for certain and that is that the market cannot sustain all of these companies. I’m glad Suja is spreading their wings into other avenues of juice.

With their Essentials line Suja is offering quality juices at a lower price point. I went for the Berry Goodness this time around, well because I’m a sucker berries. There’s not big reveal. I just love the things. This is a mixture of blueberries, strawberries and blackberries amongst other fruits. Unfortunately for me, but probably welcomed by most is that one of the main ingredients in here is banana puree. Even though I have a complete disdain for bananas I did not let them ruin this smoothie for me. This has a wonderful mixed berry flavor that tastes like someone mushed up the fruit in front of your eyes. There is a banana aftertaste, but if I can look past it, anyone can. One good thing about that devil fruit is that it thickens up the beverage nicely (along with crushed up chia seeds). The apple juice that is the base of the drink sweetens up tings nicely, and naturally.

Once you get to the bottom portion of the bottle there is tartness from the orange and lemon juice involved. I shook this thing up pretty darn well, but it still just sat at the bottom. It was an interesting turn of flavor, but I strangely enjoyed it.

This is cold pressed and highly enjoyable for less than half of the price of their original line. Grab a hold people and don’t let go. It would be a shame to see this company go down with the “juice cleanse” ship.

Website
http://www.sujajuice.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice, Smoothie
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on May 13th, 2014
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Cold Stone Pineapple Blueberry

Cold Stone Pineapple Blueberry

You get that itch that says, "You need something else, man. Get it." and you know what you have to do. Your body arises from its seat, which has held the weight of your body for too long and you begin walking, as if asleep out the door. You get to your destination having no recollection of how you got there and before you know it, you are ordering a smoothie from the window. You shake your head to wake yourself out of the haze you are in and you wake up with a pineapple and blueberry smoothie sitting in a "leather" chair next to a "fire" inside of a fine new establishment filled with employees who want to be anywhere but there and patrons that want to be anywhere but home. As you take your first sip you realize that everything is fine and fades away like smoke from a freshly blown out candle. This is a cold, fruity smoothie that your body craved and didn't give you the opportunity to deny. The blueberry pokes his head out more than the shy pineapple even though it would have been better the other way around. The mix itself is thick and cold and comes out almost tubular through the straw until it melts on your tongue. The seeds and grit and grime of the natural fruit add to the pleasing texture of the drink.

As you take your final sips, the outside world comes into focus and you realize that no more than fifteen minutes have passed and you are a block from work. You just needed a break from the monotony of making other people money. You earned it. Now you have to get back to work.

Website
http://www.coldstonecreamery.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Not Listed
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 15th, 2014
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