Jason Draper (1018 reviews)
Sort This Out Elvira's Silent sCream
Some nights you just sit to kick back and relax with a bottle of soda and a good movie. What good movie should you watch? Well obviously the answer to that is Elvira’s Haunted Hills. Wait, you mean you’ve never heard of the sequel (prequel?) to Mistress of the Dark that came out 13 years later? You my friend are in for a treat. Imagine if you will if you took a common household blender and threw in Elvira and the Mel Brook’s classic Young Frankenstein. Puree that up a bit and the result is Haunted Hills. It’s fun and hysterical in the dumbest way possible; exactly the way I like it.
What else could accompany this movie than a drink endorsed by the Mistress herself? The picture on the label even looks like one of the half dozen times she screams as some one (namely Lady Hellsubus) opens a door at the same time as her. This is a (s)cream soda of the red variety, much like the infamous Crush “soda mousse.” The vanilla isn’t incredibly strong, but it does have a faint sweet kind of berry taste to it. It’s not a standout cream soda, but it’s slightly better than most other cane sugar sodas of the flavor. Now if you are a fan of fun like I know you are go out and get some soda and get your hands on Haunted Hills and enjoy your night. You’ve earned it.
Or you could just take a day trip to the beach, but don't forget your SPF 1000 sunblock.
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Soda Pop
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper 1 day ago
Pitaya + Pitaya + Mango
Thousands of years ago Central America was the home to many a dragon. That’s right, dragons lived in Central America and not in Europe or England like the stories would have you believe. Dragons like heat, so why would they hang out in cold Euroland? In fact they like heat so much that they made their nests inside of volcanoes in an already tropical climate. Their eggs had to actually be at 800 degrees in order to come to gestation and hatch. That is the source of the downfall of the dragon. You see dragons may have been tough with basically impenetrable scales that allowed them to torment the close villages, but they had a screwy internal clock that caused them only to live for four years. They could get a bachelors degree and then they bit the dust. Luckily newborn dragons matured in only a couple of weeks. One day all of the volcanoes dried up and became inactive. The heat level dropped, the eggs went unhatched and the legendary beasts became extinct.
Here we are in 2012 and the volcanoes are still inactive, and dragons are nowhere to be seen. Their legacy lives on though through the magical fruit Pitaya, or dragonfruit as it is commonly known. Something happened with the unhatched dragon eggs that caused this fruit to see the light of day. It grows on the mountainsides of the still dormant volcanoes and is full of antioxidants and fiber. Seriously this fruit is beyond healthy. The antioxidants in one bottle of this are equal to that of 100 blueberries. It’s not messing around.
It has a slightly chalky texture to it that I would assume is due to the high fiber content. The flavor is great though. The dragonfruit tastes kind of like a mix between an apple and a kiwi, but very mild, just sweet and inoffensive. There is mango puree and pineapple juice in this as well, but neither overpowers the taste. I would have never guessed there was pineapple in it, until I read it, and then I could detect it slightly. The mango flavor is more present, but it blends in well with the dragonfruit to create a nice smooth tropical flavor. I think this could also work well as a palate cleanser. I say thank you dragons for creating this fruit for us. I just hope those volcanoes don’t ever erupt again causing the eggs to finally hatch. That would be a good time for no one down in Central America.
- Website
- http://pitayaplus.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Categories
- Juice
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper 1 day, 7 hours ago
Joia All Natural Soda Lime Hibiscus & Clove
A list of some things that are interesting:
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 6 years.
- Butterflies taste with their feet.
- It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
- The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.;
- The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
- If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
- Hippo milk is pink.
- If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
- Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team his sophomore year.
More interesting than all of those is the taste of this drink. It tastes like winter holidays and tropical locations at the same time. I can only assume that children in the Caribbean leave bottles of this out for Santa on Xmas Eve. Somehow this tastes nothing like I expected it to, yet as an afterthought it tastes exactly like it should. I anticipated a heavy clove flavor, but in fact in this drink lime reigns supreme. The hibiscus rounds out the lime so it’s not very tart and it makes it taste fancy. If it were just those two things I’m pretty sure I would love this drink. When you factor in just the faintest hint of clove it puts it through the roof. The clove is the secret to the craziness of this drink. There is nothing harsh about it, but it’s there and it’s exotic. It’s cold here in Buffalo, but while I’m drinking this I’m lounging on a beach with the sun beating down on me and I have a plate of freshly cut mango on the table next to me. Life is good.
- Website
- http://www.joialife.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Raw Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Soda Pop
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper 2 days, 3 hours ago
Nobel Blood Orange Juice
Remember when David Bowie proclaimed, “This isn’t orange juice, this is genocide”? Yeah, that was weird. I now understand that he was talking about. He was referring to the slaying of thousands of blood oranges to get to their tart, tart hemoglobin. I normally think that the senseless murder of anything is an atrocity beyond explanation, but with one sip of this and you’ll be right up front with a juicer of your own. Blood oranges are far superior to your everyday oranges and Nobel is leading the crusade with this juice. I normally wouldn’t say this, but I really wish they had added a little bit of sugar to this. Just a pinch would have made a world of a difference. As it is I really like it, but every time I take a sip I can’t help but make that “I just put 25 sour Warheads in my mouth at the same time face to win a bet” face. Man is it ever tart.
- Website
- http://noblecitrus.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Categories
- Juice
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper 3 days, 7 hours ago
5-Hour Energy Extra Strength Grape
All energy shots are basically everything in a large can or energy drink condensed into a little bottle. It’s to be expected that the flavor is going to be very strong and not too pleasant. If you take three of those little bottles and boil them down and make one bottle out of the trio you get one of these. When it’s in your mouth it just tastes like an extremely concentrated strong grape flavor, but the instant you breathe in the most intense chemical energy drink taste I’ve ever experienced. It’s not very good, but that is not the point with energy shots. No one buys something like this for a nice tasty treat. The point of them is for strong, lasting energy and when it comes to that this shot certainly pulls through.
- Website
- http://www.5hourenergy.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sucralose
- Categories
- Energy Drink
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper 4 days, 2 hours ago
Dr. Brown's Extra Dry Ginger Ale
A haiku about Dr Brown’s Ginger Ale:
light ginger-less soda
too dry to enjoy at all
watered down garbage
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- High Fructose Corn Syrup
- Categories
- Soda Pop
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper 4 days, 9 hours ago
Venom Energy Killer Taipan Mango
I was born a snake handler, and I’ll die a snake handler. Some do it for spiritual guidance. I do it for profit and energy. You see, what most snake handlers don’t know is that if you take the venom of specific breeds of snakes and mix them with the proper ingredients they make one heck of an energy drink. Recently I’ve been into the sweet juice produced by the taipan. A lot of people have compared the taste of it to mangos, but I really think it has a bit of a pineapple zest to it. I see the mango there too, but if anything it’s a hybrid of the two. After I mix it together with my other ingredients it tastes like someone mixed a cheap pineapple soda with some mango juice. It’s fairly tasty and the energy boost it gives you is decent enough.
So anyways, every couple of months or so I hop on a plane over to Australia, wrangle up a whole mess of the small slithery creeps and extract away. When I have it all ready I fill up a bunch of vials and umm..hide them on my person. Customs doesn’t take to kindly to people smuggling snake venom over international borders. It’s an uncomfortable 20-hour flight, but as I said I’m hooked on the snake juice. Sure it’s a hard life, but the end results are worth it. You should see my arms. They are more scarred up than a 15 year-old art student who only listens to what Robert Smiths tells them to do. It’s not a pretty sight.
- Website
- http://www.venomenergy.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Corn Syrup
- Categories
- Energy Drink
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper 4 days, 9 hours ago
- Comments
- 1 Comment. Leave a comment.
Ichitan Double Drink Butterfly Pea + Berry
I’m glad I cornered you here in this elevator. I bet if we weren’t both professionals this would seem really creepy. You know, a guy chasing another guy from the parking lot into a building, and then just narrowly making it into the elevator before the doors closed. If this was a movie I bet I would kill you shortly. Oh don’t worry, this isn’t a movie and I’m not going to kill you. Or am I? No I’m just joshin’ ya.
The reason I wanted to talk to you was because I have a great idea for an episode of your show. No, no please let me finish before you say a word. Okay I know you go into a lot more technical stuff on the show, but I have an idea to do a show about a drink. A specific drink at that: Ichitan’s Double Drink. I know you’ve heard of it because it’s one of the most popular drinks in Taiwan and I know you’re a worldly man. Here’s the breakdown. First you take some nice pale dry ginger ale and shake the crap out of it for a good twenty minutes. Then you open it over a barrel and let the now uncarbonated soda pour in. Secondly, you take a container of plain aloe juice and filter out all of the chunks. The liquid gets poured into the barrel, and I don’t care what you do with the chunks. Maybe play pranks with them. Finally you take the contents that are in the barrel and add a buttload of electrolytes so that it has that specific aftertaste that the Rain line of Gatorade has. Shake it all up and put in a bottle to be sold. It’s delicious I tell you. I know they throw some berries on the label, but that’s just for show.
Oh, I don’t work for the company. I just love the drink, and this is how I’ve recreated it at home. Wait….what? You don’t work for How Stuff Works? You’re actually just a janitor? Well why did you let me waste my time you jerk. I’m getting you fired and possibly arrested for impersonating an executive. Prepare to meet your cell you worthless liar!
- Website
- http://www.ichitandrink.com
- Country
- Taiwan
- Sweetener
- Couldn't Read Ingredients
- Categories
- Juice
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper 5 days, 9 hours ago
Sobe Energize Power Fruit Punch
Welcome to gym class weaklings! You’re in high school now and that means you’re in the big leagues, and no we will not be chewing shredded bubble gum. If I even think one of you has a wad of chewing stuff in their mouth it’s five laps of the track for all of you! As I was saying you’re in the big leagues now and you’re going to work like dogs. Say so long to the world of badminton and square dancing and say hello to the burnt hands of the rope climb and the slashed shins of floor hockey. For those of you wimps who have doctors notes to excuse you from my class, you will be sitting on the bleachers writing me a five-page paper each class on how you could only wish in your deepest dreams that you could ring the bell at the time of the rope. While you are doing this you will also be sipping from childish milk cartons filled with childish fruit punch. The rest of us will spend seven minutes at the beginning of each class laughing at you while we crush bottles of big boy drinks. That’s right gentleman, at the beginning of every class it is mandatory for each of you to drink a bottle of Sobe Energy. We’ve got an assortment of flavors but the Power Fruit Punch is what I assume most of you will choose, since you are just little boys posing as grown men. It is full of aronia and grape juice according to the label. I always thought it was blueberries and cranberries from the picture, but what do I know about fruits, I’m no fruitologist. Actually now that I know I was wrong about the fruits contained with in the flavor makes more sense. It’s has a grape flavor if grapes were from some tropical region. Does that make sense? It doesn’t? Well it looks like you just bought yourself 50 pushups Mr. Smartypants. Whatever it tastes like, it’s tasty and you should feel proud to be able to down it. It’s got taurine, caffeine and guarana in it, so it will give you a nice energy boost for class, as well as the rest of the school day. I don’t want to hear anything about sensitivity to caffeine or heart problems. You will drink it and you will like it. Now, BOMBARDMENT!
- Website
- http://www.sobe.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sugar
- Categories
- Energy Drink, Sports/Dietary Supplement
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper 1 week ago
Epso Orangeade
Greek restaurants in their common form are nothing more than dinners that put feta cheese on their house salads. Occasionally they may serve lamb, but there is not much of a difference between a restaurant called Acropolis and one called Jims. I believe that the Greeks need to seize back their culture. The menus in their restaurants should be slathered with names of foods like spanakopita, gemista and briám. That would liven things up, and perhaps I would visit their establishments more often. I mean what is the point in visiting a Greek restaurant if you’re just going to get pancakes and a milkshake. Speaking of beverages those same restaurants should also spice up this section of their menu. With names like Ouzon, Ivi and Epso they would be sure to entice more customers into ordering something to drink other than water. I know I certainly would purchase more than my fair share of Epso. I have a weakness for carbonated orange juice. I hardly ever drink it in the still form, but throw some bubbles into the mix and I just can’t get enough. It’s sweet, it’s bubbly and it could help stir up interest in Greek restaurants.
- Country
- Greece
- Sweetener
- Sugar
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper 1 week, 1 day ago