Naked - 14 Reviews

With a name like “Protein Zone” I expected nothing but grit and grossness, as there's a level of that to be expected in any drink with that specific functionality. The picture of the banana and coconut on the label also had me weary. Coconut water is just fine, but anything that tastes even remotely like toasted coconut belongs in the filth bin, with all of the bananas on this planet. Thankfully the orange and pineapple that are also pictured carry most, if not all, of the added flavor. Sure, there is a texture to this that makes me feel like I took this to the beach and left the cap off as people walked by and kicked a bit of sand into it, but hey I'm strangely okay with that. It has a nice tropical flavor that makes up for the weird texture.

“I can't tell you what juice I'm drinking but there are two berries involved.” How many times can one website paraphrase stand up comics (Mitch Herberg)? The answer to this and other unimportant questions will be hidden in our reviews over the upcoming weeks.

This may be the single chalkiest protein drink I have ever tasted. I'm halfway through the bottle and my teeth feel like they have a very thin layer of sand on them. It's a weird experience that is for sure. I don't even know if I dislike the sensation, it's just odd.

Once you get past the chalkiness and delve into the six strawberries, five blueberries, three apples and one banana that are in this bottle things are a little bit of okay. It definitely has more of a berry flavor than anything, so the name is fitting. The apples and banana aren't very noticeable, even though they make up a majority of the substance.

Okay, I've come to the conclusion that while I don't have the chalkiness, it's not something I really enjoy, thus this is a functional beverage in my book any nothing I would drink solely for the flavor. I would consume it again when I'm trying to juice my pecs (pun definitely intended).

There is only so much you can say about juice, and I think I've said most of it before. As a result I started reading other people's review on this internet for Berry Blast, and my findings confused me.

Okay let's start from scratch; this bottle contains five blackberries, four raspberries, 4 strawberries, three and a half apples and half of a banana. With those type of ratios it's no wonder that this tastes like berry flavored apple juice (to be fair it tastes like a heavily berry flavored apple juice, but the base of the larger fruit is still very noticeable. Thirteen berries could fit in the palm of my hand; it's not much at all. I still enjoy the taste of this, and I understand that a lot of juices are cut with apple juice to sweeten them and keep costs down while retaining a 100% juice claim, but from Naked I expected a stronger berry flavor. With the somewhat hefty price per bottle, I expect a little more.

None of the above is what I found confusing. What put a quizzical look on my face was that people were saying that this is not a healthy drink at all and that it's all lies. Some claimed that there was a ton of sugar added to it, others claimed that there were “chemicals” added to it. Wait, what? I know there was a lawsuit against Naked, but not for the reasons mentioned above. If I read everything correctly the lawsuit was because GMOs were used in the vitamin “boots” added to some of the drinks. There is no sugar secretly added to this juice. There are also no weird chemicals in the mix either. This is simply a mix of fruits, as it doesn't have any of the boosts in it. Yes, this is not as healthy as eating straight up fruit, due to pasteurization, but it's not sugar water like some people claim.

The internet is a terrible place where everyone thinks they have a voice and their opinions are right, even though they don't have their facts straight. People read an article a little piece of it sticks out to them, and then their brain extrapolates that with no factual basis and suddenly it's gospel. I am not denying that some sketchy stuff may have gone down with Naked and their labeling, but the internet has become a runaway train of additional claims, that have no basis in real life. These are certainly the end times.

Recently Naked settled a class action lawsuit out of court and agreed to pay nine million dollars as reparation. The reason for all of this was that the company claimed that some of their products were all natural and free of genetically modified ingredients. Apparently they were a bunch of little liars since some of their products contained ascorbic acid, beta carotene, and D-calcium panthothenate. I had no idea those weren't natural ingredients, but that is what the news told me and when has the internet ever steered anyone wrong?

Naked was always my readily available “quality” juice of choice. I always thought it was better than it's competitors, but perhaps I was wrong. I also don't really care because the juice is still delicious and even with those ingredients it's still better than garbage made from concentrate with a butt-ton of sugar added to it. Yes my friends, I will continue to drink Naked, as I am doing right now with this bottle of Orange Mango juice.

This little guy right here, he doesn't fall under the lawsuit. There is nothing weird and unnatural added to this juice, just fruit that has been squished to hell to get its delicious lifeblood. This is orange, apple, mango and banana rolled into one, but in a way that you can only really taste the orange and the mango. Normally in juices like that it's more of an orange juice with a splash of mango in it, but here it's more of a 60/40 split. You can definitely taste the mango in a very strong fashion, and isn't that what everyone wants from juice with mango in it. No one is out there saying, “Man this is okay, but I wish it tasted more like oranges.” This is a good juice. Nah, this is a great juice. Don't let the lawsuit hold you back from enjoying it.

Is it possible the Naked is trying to usher in a new industrial age? They have too many drinks with the word machine in their names for it to be a coincidence. Oh I get it, the owner of the company is a Steampunk of sorts, or should I call him a “Juicepunk?” That's right the CEO of Naked has a vision of a world where everyone dresses like they did during the first Industrial Revolution, except all of the contraptions and machines will be powered by juice. It seems a bit excessive to me, also not very cost effective. I mean steam is at least basically free.

In this utopian future there will be different grades of juices for different qualities of power, hence the different flavors/names of his current juice line. Since acai is known as a superfruit, I can only assume that this is the premium line. This is the kind of juice that will power your new flying Model T cars, not your dumb low class floating K cars.

Since the technology has yet to be created to allow us to power machines with juice, I will simply drink this right on up. I mean stockpiling it is pointless, as it would just spoil, and you certainly don't want to pour spoiled juice into your engine, or it will get all sorts of junked up. Acai is known as being a pretty intense fruit. It has a very specific taste that a lot of people dislike. It's almost like when a friend in high school bought a bottle of Hawiian Punch and started to chug it before he realized it was a concentrate. Naked has taken the power of the acai and mixed it with other fruits to mellow it out a bit. The result is a juice that still has a little tartness from the 178 acai berries involved, but overall everyone could enjoy this. It's a bit on the thick side, but I enjoy it that way. I mean it's billed as a smoothie, and that is how those beverages should be.

Did you ever wonder why Gargamel was always trying to get at the Smurfs? Some theories are that he wanted to turn them into gold, he thought they would be a delicious treat or that he just hated them and wanted to destroy them. Truth is that good ole Gargy just needed their blood to power his doomsday machine. He was actually quite upset about their eventual destruction. He spent many a late nights sitting up with Azrael, crying about how such innocent creatures needed to die just so he could completely destroy the rest of the human race. You see at school everyone picked on him for being bald and ugly. Oh, you didn't know that Gargamel was actually a high school student? Well he was. The entire Smurf world was really just a school shooting about to happen. It was sad really to see a boy so confused.

Eventually Gargy grew up and started a Fortune 500 company. He invested a lot and created this juice in homage to the creatures he once thought he had to destroy. All proceeds go to Smurfs all around the world. It's like reparations: reparations that are a mixture of blueberries, blackberries, apples and a banana. It mostly just tastes like blueberries though with some other flavors around the edges. Gargamel tried to list them as Smurfberries on the label, but the FDA wouldn't hear a word of it. If he had just reversed the percentages of blackberries to blueberries this would perhaps be the world's finest drink, but alas he did not and what we are left with is still delicious.

Silly Americans. You thought the cold war was over and that you had won. You believed the movie Clue when it told you that Communism was nothing but a red herring and that capitalism was the true motivator. You have been duped and now we have infiltrated your very culture. Who do you think own all the Red Robin restaurants? It is us, working on getting you fat and slovenly. Did you really think that Red Bull was there to just help you get through your day? We created the company in order to weaken your hearts for the battles to come.

We even have some products over there for the sole benefit of our agents who are stuck on your soil. With all the garbage that you produce and consume we needed to make sure there were some things that were healthy for our people to consume. We bribed some of the higher ups at Naked and they created a special blend for us that they call “Red Machine.” It is a mixture of all of the finest communist fruits to remind our people what they are fighting for. Each bottle contains 13 raspberries, 11 strawberries, 3 cranberries, ¼ of a pomegranate, 1 ½ of an apple and 7 red grapes. We also mixed in 1/3 of an orange and ½ of a banana, as well as a bunch of other vitamins and the like to ensure continued health. While you and your countrymen choke on their excessive calorie and sugar intake, the people's people will remain at the peak of their health drinking these wonderful prepackaged smoothies. They taste like nothing but wonderful red fruit. It has been formulated so that the other ingredients are not evident in the taste. What you get has a strong berry flavor with the slightest hints of the bitterness of cranberries and pomegranate.

America, you stand no chance. Our day will come soon, and on that day all class struggles will cease to be. You will be too bloated with weak hearts to stop us.

If there is truly a substantial amount of coconut water in this bottle to pass on the health benefits to me then Naked has done a wonderful thing. The flavor/chalkiness of the coconut water is all but indecipherable. That might turn some people off, but for someone who loves juice and is okay with coconut water, but wouldn't actively buy it, this is perfect. You have peaches and guavas living in harmony as they pass over your tongue to their deaths in your digestive system. They apparently already raided the coconut camp and were celebrating when I decided to drink this. Poor dead coconuts.

Remember when Andy Kaufman went up on stage and awkwardly acted out the Mighty Mouse song, well just the “Here I come to save the day!” part. That was hysterical. If the man were still alive, hurting for money and forced to do product endorsement, I would hope that he would back Naked Juice. I mean if you gotta sell yourself for the man, you might as well back a product that is actually great, and not hurting anyone. Hell, even with him dead his estate could sell his rights to them. I don't think Naked actually makes commercials, but I can see it now. It could be the original footage of the Mighty Mouse bit, except instead of taking a drink of water they could edit in a bottle of Naked and at the end the screen would say, “Naked's Mighty Mango: It's here to save the day.” Marketing genius right here.

Nothing in that ad would be a lie either. Whenever I feel myself getting the old scratch in my throat that is a telltale sign that sickness is on it's way, I get myself a large bottle of this stuff and just pound it. More likely than not the sickness will pass and I will be just fine in a day. It's essentially a mango puree with a bit of orange flavor to it. Sure there is also apple and banana juice in here, but you can't taste them at all. There is so much vitamin C in here that it could fight off an army on oncoming illness, just like a little mouse…€¦wearing a cape.

Honey, I'll be home a bit later, but I made some soup for you that is in the fridge. Just warm it up and you'll be good to go. Actually maybe toast a little bread and break it up in the soup, who doesn't love that?

*Cut to several hours later*

Darling, I appreciate that you took the time to make me soup for dinner, but I have to tell you that was the worst soup I've ever tasted in my life. It was so sweet and tasted vaguely dairy like. I don't know where you got that recipe, but please never make it for me again. I would rather go hungry than eat that again. What does it matter what container I took it out of? Of lord, please don't tell me you made mass quantities of it! Anyways I took it from the blue container. I thought it was weird that you put soup in a pitcher, but with a color like that what else could it be? What, the soup was in the Tupperware on the bottom shelf? Well then what exactly did I eat? Please tell me it wasn't one of the kids science experiments. Oh it was a smoothie that you made, that makes way more sense as to how sweet it was. I know I wasted a large chunk of your smoothie, but can I please try it cold instead of piping hot? Well this is much better this way. It's a nice thick mango and orange juice that is not insanely sweet, which I really enjoy. It's a bit chalky though, especially towards the bottom of the glass. That little bit was almost undrinkable. Oh, you added some whey and soy protein so it will help you out after your workout. You really are a smart one, and I am truly an idiot for thinking this was soup.

Come on baby slip off that rind, take off those pesky seeds and let's get down to business. No baby, don't be embarrassed, there is no need for you to cover yourself up with sugar. You're sweet enough as it is. You know I didn't think you'd be down for this, but I'm glad you brought your friends along. This is going to be quite a party. To tell you the truth I've never been with so many fruits at once before. Baby, this is the best birthday present you could have ever given me. You've invited the strawberries, apples, peaches and mangos to the party. I love your juice baby doll. Orange juice is a classic and a standard and I don't mean to put you down by saying that, but you know I have you all the time. When you mingle with all your friends you still shine brightly, along with the guavas and the mangos. The other fruits are just background in this party, and you three are all I see. You're thick in all the right ways and I wish I could partake in you all day and night, but I'm only a single person baby, and I need a break every now and then.

With the exception of grape soda are there any other purple colored drinks out there? I mean even grape juice is more of a dark red than purple. This on the other hand is very purple. It looks like it could be just juiced pickled beats (that would be gross). What is in the bottle you may ask? Well let me tell you, as Naked very thoughtfully puts a comprehensive list on their juices of what, and how many, items of produce their bottles contain. This has 6.5 strawberries, 15 sweet cherries, ¼ plum, 1/5 apple, 1 ½ purple carrots (ahh that's where the color comes from), 1/3 red beat (even more purple fun), 1/8 sweet potato, 91 kernels of sweet corn (so specific), 18 chick peas and a hint of lemon. That is a whole lot to be jammed into one little bottle. As a result this is nothing but healthy. Naked juice is a little on the costly side of things, but it's worth it when you take into account their superiority to their competitors Bolthouse and Odwalla.

While you can taste each individual item that has been juiced to make this beverage, it does have a wide variety of flavors. A combination of the strawberries and cherries is the first thing that you taste when you take a sip. From there it slips into a strange sweetened veggie medley. They all kind of just mix together into their own unique flavor. It's strange, but it's enjoyable. It has a pretty general juice aftertaste with nothing specific being the prominent flavor.

This isn't the kind of juice that you sip whilst hanging out with friends, but it is the kind of beverage that you would enjoy and benefit from drinking at breakfast. With all of the vitamins it contains it would be a nice way to kick start your day.

Mark, we have a problem. Friday night I was in a rush to get out of here and I didn't exactly close the door to the giant fridge all the way, and by all the way I mean at all. It was wide open all weekend. As a result almost everything has spoiled. I know it shouldn't have spoiled so quickly but I also left the heat up on high. Don't look at me like that. It was freezing in here, and I was soaking wet because you had me wash down all the produce in advance for some reason. That's right I'm blaming you Mark. If you wouldn't have tried to get ahead of the game, none of this would have happened. Due to that fact that we have just decided that you are to blame, I need you to go down to the grocery store and buy all the baby food they have. We'll whip that down and thin it out a bit. Our mangoes somehow made it through the weekend so we'll mix them with baby food. Can't you just see the new flavor "Mango Veggie."

This really does taste and have the consistency of thinned out baby food. Don't let that deter you though because it actually tastes great. It's initially sweet and fruity due to the mango and apple puree, but then it fades out into a subtle veggie flavor. You can make out the corn, carrots and chickpeas. It seems really strange, but I do like it. Don't be scared off. Give it a try. Mark needs all of your help since I blamed this all on him. If this shipment doesn't sell, he will surely be back at the unemployment line, and by that I mean watching talk shows on his couch all day. He doesn't deserve a vacation like that. It's up to you to stop him from enjoying life.

The bottle says it all, "Looks weird, tastes amazing." It's made from a whole mess of fruit with the added "boost" of a whole mess of weird vegetables. It's nice to have a "health" drink that tastes great.
It's similar to the Bolthouse Green Goodness, but this just tastes better. It's thick and sweet and yes it "tastes amazing."
Okay I'm done with quotation marks for a while.