Capri Sun - 4 Reviews

So you've gone and done it. You've made a kid. Actually you made him/her a couple of years ago. The first couple of months were a living hell of crying and pooping. Finally the little tike started to recognize your face. Things were starting to look up. Then they started walking and everything got awesome. You could do all the cool stuff that you always wanted to do with kids and it was fun as all hell. I mean sure the tears came back out when they got tired, but it wasn't anything you couldn't handle. Suddenly that all changed. Around the 2-3 year mark your kid just became a flat out jerk. They became demanding, thinking everything was put on this planet for their amusement. You know, just a brat.

You find yourself at a point where you will do just about anything for a little peace and quiet away from this monster you created. You find yourself thinking back to the part in the Twilight Zone where the kid can do whatever it wants with it's mind, and changes someone into a Jack in the Box, and it dawns on you that the whole thing was a giant metaphor for the turds that kids can be at this age.

You always swore that you wouldn't let TV raise your kids, but you now understand the allure. It's a distraction, and you need all of those that you can get. You only let your child watch educational TV, you still have some standards. The problem is that it doesn't fully captivate them, so you need to give them some snacks as well. Included in that is a "juice box." Kids love juice. It's sweet and delicious, and they think it's a treat even though when done properly it's healthy for them. Like most parents you find yourself buying a box of Carpri Sun. It's juice in a single serving pouch, which is also fun for the kids. You don't realize until you get home that there is no actual juice in the pouches, that instead it is a "flavored water beverage," and it's sweetened with HFCS. There is essentially nothing healthy about this drink, but at this point you decide, "Screw it." You put the straw in the pouch, and hand it and the remote to your toddler. Let them watch what they want, who cares if it's Godzilla or American Horror Story? You just need some downtime for yourself. You drag yourself back into the kitchen, pop a Capri for yourself and notice that even though there is no juice in it, it still tastes strongly like a nice medley berries and it's got a decent sweetness. You go to the bedroom to read a little bit, but you only make it a couple of paragraphs in before you hear something come crashing down and you have to get up to see what your dumb kid has done now.

My dad won a cruise and he gave it to my ladyfriend and I. I'm guessing there is some catch with this thing, but so far all I've found is that you have to pay the tax, which is about $150 per person. Also, we have to find our way to a port, which not shockingly is going to be the most expensive part. Here I sit looking into it, daydreaming about tropical locations and I decided to pretend I was a kid and drink a Capri Sun. They market these big boys as being for adults, but we all know they are for kids. I'm sitting here sucking on a chilidog, err I mean a Maui Cooler. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be a tropical fruit punch, but the main fruits in it are apple, grape and orange (I guess you could consider that tropical if you really wanted to). The only other juice in it is pineapple, which I would expect in a Maui Cooler, but it's not very present in the flavor. It tastes like a juice box, because that is what it is. It just tastes like a higher quality generic fruit juice. No flavors really stick out. I'm okay with it. It's not my favorite, but I'm sure kids would be stoked to get these in their lunch boxes.

Now, to cruise, or not to cruise?

There is something you need to know about Buffalo. It's vital to understand why we, Buffalonians, are the way that we are. It has to do with vitamin D and the sun. You see, it's crappy here. A lot. It's probably a solid six months of gray skies whether it is our seemingly endless winters or just overcast days. It's quite tolling on our psyche and depression takes its toll on us. It's out of our hands, you know? It's ecological and cyclical. Sure, everyone just takes medicine, turning them into drones and they wonder why they're in such a bad mood come February and March and then they are in a great mood when the weather is nice.

Last week and the week before were teases. It's spring. We all know it, but sometimes you get that fluke week that is picturesque and you just want it to be like that forever. You know the next three weeks are going to be rainy or at very least, moderately cold, but you just want to soak it in as much as possible. This week is slated to be wet and gray; a terrible combination. That's where this drink comes in.

Kiwi strawberry and strawberry kiwi, two separate animals, are summer delicacies. It's nice that it's always summertime in the eyes of Capri Sun. Just drinking it makes me see through the endless fog, rain, sleet, and potential hail into the sun. I would like to take my hoodie off when drinking this, but I know I would instantly regret it. It's a good juice and even though it has the dreaded corn syrup inside of it, you don't care because it's all you've got to keep you from going to the tanning beds to just feel the suns artificial touch on your pasty, almost translucent skin. You can't really taste it anyhow, so don't let it discourage you from getting "The big pack" next time you're shopping for nutrition food.

I know, I know. A couple more weeks of this and then it's jackets off, short pants, and sunglasses until mid-August when it's time to bundle back up and ready yourself for another doozy of a winter. Maybe you should stockpile some of this for the harder, colder months.

Alright. I'll admit it. I'm no child anymore. Sure, mentally, I am as dumb as your average eight year old. I still enjoy when things blow up, I'm not opposed to sleeping in awkward positions or in the trunks of cars and have no concept of "clean" and "dirty." I eat chicken fingers, hamburgers, and hot dogs and love ice cream. I ride bikes, play video games, and still enjoy cartoons. That being said, regardless of my past times and eating habits, I turned thirty this week so I should at least think about becoming a full fledged adult.

Cut to today's review and it's the Big Pouch of Capri Sun. It's the loveliness of the old pack but...bigger. I grew up with the taste of this fruit punch so this is like a review I would have done when I was appropriately aged to drink them. Look, juice is juice. You can put an age restriction on alcohol, but not juice. If I, a grown idiotic man, want to drink fruit punch out of a metallic pack like a G.D. astronaut or fourth grader, I'm going to do it. You know why? I'm an adult and can do what I want when it comes to juice.

I've got to say, it's a good thing this guy is resealable because that is a lot of juice clocking in at just shy over 11 ounces. It's not bad, though. It's sweet fruit punch. No bite and all fruit. Sweet fruit. Drinkable but I am responsible and know my artificial juice limits. If I didn't, I would have tons of pimples all over my face and we would revert my complexion back fifteen years. I can't keep going back in time to all my different "eras" so I'm going to stop drinking this pack of juice.