Mike Literman (1766 reviews)

Mike loves new drinks. He's drank some gross stuff in his day, and this blog is making him drink even more against his will. That being said, he wouldn't trade it in for the world. He loves new beverages and is always, and always will be, on a quest for something new.

Jones Soda Berry Lemonade

Jones Soda Berry Lemonade

Come on, Jennifer, really? More makeup? You just bought some perfume from here and lipstick, and I think your aunt got you that eyeliner set. What more could you want? Nail polish? You bite your nails! What's the point? Ugh, fine, let's go, but I'm going to sit in the "dad seat." The “dad seat?” The dad seat is that one bench where dads and boyfriends sit while their girlfriends smell hair gel and test bath salts.

Hey, I'm just going to sit here by the door. Take your time. I'll be playing Fruit Ninja on my phone. You know how I love it when that freeze banana comes in. I'm sorry, what did you say, ma'am? A drink? Now you're talking my language. I'll take a sip. Oh, this is kind of strange and kind of gross. What is it? It's the essence of everything you see? That's vague. Oh, in this makeup store. Yeah, not that you mention it, this drink tastes like it smells in here mixed with some lemonade. What is this called? Oh, it's made by Jones? Berry Lemonade? Really? I guess it's vaguely raspberry lemonade, but there is still the liquid version of this store in here. I won't be buying any, but thank you and good job capturing your fine establishment into a drink. Honey, let's get out of here. That dad that was sitting next to me just ate a bean burrito and now I want one almost as bad as I don't want to feel the after effects of his.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Lemonade, Soda Pop
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 13th, 2011
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Tiger Malt Original

Tiger Malt Original

Well. Great. Merry Christmas. Fantastic. Here I am, on stage, accepting this award for perfect attendance for my high school. One of two kids that got it. I don't necessarily do stupendous in class, but I do fair. I'm a B student. What do I get? A handshake and a bottle of pop from the principal. That seems strange to me. I guess I did spend all that time going to class. I deserve this pop.

Alright. Study hall. Second to last day of the year. I've got this strange Tiger Malt and I'm going to drink it. I can do what I want. I'm 17, there is one day of school left and I haven't missed a day. Down the hatch Tiger Malt. Ugh. What the heck is in this bottle? What are my taste buds doing to me? I've got to try this again. I have never felt anything like this before. It's revolting but yet so familiar. Bleh. Terrible. Did someone play a joke on me? Is there some sort of conspiracy against letting kids finish a school year without missing a day? This is going to put me in the hospital? Did someone liquefy and strain a bowl of Raisin Bran? It tastes like a stronger version of my Puerto Rican friend Joey's mom's favorite Malta Goya drink. I might barf. That's isn't going to look good on the floor or on my permanent record.

Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Other/Weird, Soda Pop
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 21st, 2011
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Neilson French Vanilla

Neilson French Vanilla

Living in Alaska is hard work. Sure, you've got a Between The Buried And Me record named after you, but aside from that it's snow. Year in. Year out. Day in. Day out. Snow. There is a little time you can see the green grass, but it's probably muddy. You never know the pleasure of not wearing a coat or shorts unless you have irresponsible parents. One thing that you "earn" is the ability to crave ice cream. Most people have warm weather that needs cool treats to make the temperature bearable. You have cold year round, so there is no better time than now for ice cream. Honestly, you might eat ice cream to warm you up on certain days.

If you live in the frigid parts of Canada and can identify with the previously mentioned sentiments, go to your local shoppe and buy this cool milkshake. French vanilla is an ice cream that I don't really care about unless there are fun fixins on it like fudge, jimmies, and a cherry. If you like the plain vanilla then this drink is right up your alley. Look, we can't get high quality milkshakes everywhere all the time. Sometimes we need to get off our high horse, or in your case, your average sized snowmobile that is probably pretty bitchin' and drink this "everyman's" milkshake. It's thick. It's sweet. It tastes remarkably like french vanilla. It's frothy and is nice to shake and shake and shake after every sip.

Alaska might be a nice place. I might like it. Northern Canada might be a nice place. I have dealt with enough cold to not have to subject myself to more of it. I recommend people in these two places take a little vacation to somewhere with sun where they can shed their coats, pants, and extra socks. Feel the sand between your pale, white toes. Let the sun hit your hatted head.

Website
http://www.saputo.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milkshake
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on February 3rd, 2012
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Clearly Canadian Daily Energy Pink Grapefruit

Clearly Canadian Daily Energy Pink Grapefruit

Snotty people eat grapefruits. They sit there with their silver spoons and carve away at the softball sized fruit and add their low calorie sugar and have themselves a little treat. They do this before their polo matches and tennis lessons, and lobster dinners. They do it before their trips to Paris, trips to the Bentley showroom, and trips to the bank where they deposit millions of dollars bi-weekly. Rich people. They live such a difficult job. Well guess what fellow schmos? I've got a secret that the rich people don't know about.

Inside this bottle of Clearly Canadian is pink grapefruit. Sure, there are a lot of chemicals, too, but being poor, we can handle it. We weren't fed organic, free range, farm raised chickens or massaged, sake fed cows. We were fed McDonald's. A lot. We can take chemicals, dirt, pesticides, lead, or whatever you throw at us, as long as it doesn't require us to see a doctor because health care is expensive. This drink, as far as I know and remember from the limited times I have had an actual grapefruit, tastes a lot like grapefruit. The sugar, albeit artificial, actually enhances the flavor to a point where even I, a previous disliker of the fruit, really like this drink. It's light enough that you, like I, can drink an entire bottle, regardless of its statement of 2.5 servings.

General public and not those who drive cars that are worth more than houses hundreds of thousands of dollars more than our houses, this is the drink that levels the playing field. If they find out about this, they don't have anything anymore. They don't have anything except for their 152 foot yachts, columned houses, argyle cashmere golf club covers, gold Rolex President watches, cars with umbrellas in the doors, and a couple other things. We're catching up.

Website
http://www.clearlycanadianbrands.ca/
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Crystalline Fructose
Categories
Energy Drink, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 15th, 2012
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Jones Soda Candy Cane

Jones Soda Candy Cane

You've never eaten lunch and wanted to talk to a pretty girl? Why? That would be because you're mouth tastes and smells like Jamaican jerk turkey burger with Cajun mayo. If you were to audaciously walk up to the first pretty girl you saw and kissed her on the lips, she would never reciprocate because it's a stranger with a beard, and she was never a fan of dudes with beards. She would also think that you had horrid breath that tastes like a burger and that's nothing anyone wants to be shocked with. If someone shoved a cookie in your mouth to awaken you, well that’s another story. Maybe if someone woke you up by feeding you pudding that would be awesome, too. If you were sleeping and I crammed a highly seasoned burger in your mouth, I would expect no less than a punch square in the mouth. That's where this pop comes into place. Rewind...

You're eating a deliciously highly seasoned burger. You take your last bite and sit back in your chair and are satisfied. That restaurant always has great food and that burger was no different. You ordered a candy cane pop to warsh it all down and wash it down it does. Sure, it's a little strange because who wants to eat a Starlight mint after every bite? It's actually more like if you had carbonated water and marinated a candy cane in it, so for honest, true titling of a product, you would be spot on with this pop.

Your burger is gone and you've taken a nice swig of that pop and here she comes, a beautiful girl. Full figured. Bam and bam. Top and bottom. Bam. You're going to kiss this girl. You wipe your mouth because you don't want to leave her with a spicy mayo aftermath. You're already invading her personal space and might get smacked so you want it to go as best as you can. You've still got a beard but there's nothing you can do in the allotted time. You're going for it. You stand up and walk towards her and kiss her. You kiss her right on the lips. She kisses back. It's amazing because you really expected to get kneed in the groin. You both psychically decided to leave it at that and walk in opposite directions. What a day. What a burger. What a girl. What a kiss. What a pop.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 16th, 2012
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Buy Now
Jones Holiday Gift Pack Soda 4 Pack 2011 Candy Cane, Ginger Bread, Sugar Plum, Pear Tree

Jones Soda Sugar Plum

Jones Soda Sugar Plum

What's this? It's a plum covered in sugar? Are you telling me that this is a sugarplum? Part of me doesn't know what an actual sugarplum is, but the other part of me thinks that you are trying to pull a fast one on me. I'm drinking this Jones Sugar Plum pop and it's really sweet but doesn't have any taste that I can compare it to. Stop shoving that plum in my face. You're getting sugar everywhere. Eww, really dude? You licked it and then stuck it in sugar? That's gross and I'm that much happier that I didn't touch it. What does this taste like? It’s hard to say: Fruity and sugary and carbonated. Does anyone actually know what a sugarplum tastes like? Do people still eat them? I thought it was only in that Christmas song. This is good but I bet your spitty, sugar covered plum is disgusting. It might not be for you since it's your spit but for others, you might want to do what we used to do with pretzels to get salt to stick with it and just spray it with a spray bottle of water. Stop spitting on fruit!

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 15th, 2012
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Buy Now
Jones Holiday Gift Pack Soda 4 Pack 2011 Candy Cane, Ginger Bread, Sugar Plum, Pear Tree

Red Rain Energy Drink Downpour Cherry Limeade

Red Rain Energy Drink Downpour Cherry Limeade

Look, I'm not fantastic with boats. I'm apparently alright with cruise ships but that's no different than riding atop a floatable skyscraper. I'm fine on those. Lil' boats destroy me. I know all the tricks; ginger ale, looking at the horizon, not taking Dramamine. They don't always work and I get nauseous and either want to hurl or sleep.

Jessika, Max, and I were going to go aboard my boss' daddy's boat and we were getting supplies. We went to K-Mart to get Max a baby sized rash-guard. K-Mart in the city is rough. Rough. Jessika's mom gets us gift cards for there and we always tell her that we never go because it's pretty depressing. One positive thing about it is that there is a dude there that looks just like Prince and he's there just enough that it's a real treat when our schedules match. He was there on the day we bought this drink and the baby shirt so I knew everything was going to alright.

We boarded the ship, rode for a few hours, Max got restless, and we got off. Sickness free. I was so distracted by Max that I didn't drink this until we went home. I didn't know what to expect because between energy, cherry, and limeade my palate didn't know what to expect. What did this deliver? Everything is in a pretty decent package. It was cherry limeade with a little bit of candy taste to it. All of the flavors actually worked well together. So well, in fact that I'm surprised that I hadn't seen this drink anywhere else before. I think that if more energy drinks tasted like this, I wouldn't always think that they sucked so badly. Some companies know what time it is and you can add this one to it. Good job, Canada. You win this round.

Website
http://redrainenergy.ca/
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sugar/Glucose-Fructose
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 6th, 2012
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Buy Now
Red Rain Energy Drink, Cherry Limeade, 16-Ounce Cans (Pack of 12)

Jones Soda Sugar-Free Cola

Jones Soda Sugar-Free Cola

Remember when Jones came out and you thought to yourself, "Green apple pop?! Woah!" Now, look, they've still got strange, fun flavors, those crazy Canadians, but you've got to pay the bills. Diet cola sells and people love the stuff. Even for a company that prides themselves on using pure cane sugar, they can't do that unless they make a super weak, odd tasting pop. Dry does it, but they're good at it and that's their thing.

This, and you shouldn't be surprised, just tastes like a diet cola. It has an alright cola taste but is still diet. I might say that this is a titch (scientific term) better than diet Pepsi. I'm not hating; just doing a poor comparison. I'm not a hater. I'm cynical, but I'm no hater. 'Nuff respect, Pepsi. Let these guys do what they do.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Soda Pop
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 23rd, 2012
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Buy Now
Jones Soda Sugar Free Cola, 20-Ounces (Pack of 24)

Tim Horton's Iced Cappuccino Mint Chocolate

Tim Horton's Iced Cappuccino Mint Chocolate

Well this is something different. I don't drink hot coffee. I just don't. I get gimmicky drinks when I go to coffee shops as you can probably tell with my copious amount of Frappuccino and Coolatta reviews. This iced cappuccino is no different. It's a frothy, foamy, iced coffee drink. Also, the fact that it's chocolate mint screams, "not legitimate coffee." Back to something different. What's different is that I bought one today (pictured) and it is currently and by the time you read this, was disgusting. I will describe that in detail and then describe all the other ones that I've had.

I woke up, felt fine, but didn't have time for a proper breakfast so I got little doughnut holes AKA "timbits." While I was there, I thought it would be a good time to get a little drink for myself to review/enjoy. A nice woman with a not so nice crustache took my order and delivered to me the worst iced cappuccino I've ever had. I don't need to tell you that I don't drink so I am basing this off assumption but this drink tastes like someone pulled the old teaspoon/tablespoon mixup and put way too much creme de menthe in this because it tastes borderline alcoholic in it's concentrated mintitude (not a word).

All other ones that I have had are a nice blend of chocolate and mint and I don't need to drink from the top in hopes to avoid the mint disaster that is sleeping at the bottom. It's a good, refreshing drink that I enjoy getting on rare occasions. I also only get a small and I never get the "supreme" option, which is like the top trim of a car. Whipped cream and chocolate and caramel syrup. Oh, it looks great and nothing looked sadder than the drink that I received today, all naked in a clear cup, but I don't need/want those extra calories and it's honestly aesthetic unless you really have an affinity for whipped cream. I might save myself more extra calories by throwing this in, what the British call, "the bin."

Website
http://www.timhortons.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Not Listed
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 11th, 2012
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Jones Soda Red Apple

Jones Soda Red Apple

Rumor has it that it's been a rough year for apples. It was a blisteringly hot summer and that's not good for any sort of trees, plants, fruits, vegetables, and everything in-between. I assume the orchards aren't just throwing away bushels of lesser quality apples. I hope that there will be an influx of apple goods like apple cider, apple donuts, apple bread, something. I like apples. I like certain apples more than other but I like them all. Apple juice is good but companies as of late have been really nailing that apple flavor and not just apple flavoring things.

This pop is apple. Red apple. Not apple flavored. It says "natural and artificial flavors" but I'm thinking that's a misprint. It's a really good flavor. It's sweet but it's pop. If you've had Jones before they are a little guilty of over sweetening their pop. It's real sugar though so over sweetening with cane sugar versus artificial sweetener, in my opinion, is way more drinkable. I'm just saying they could cut back a bit.

Autumn, apples, cider, hoodies; it's all happening now, for a limited time. Fall is a short season because you take summer for every day but as soon as snow hits, it's mentally winter. That's the frigidly cold truth. I'm not telling lies over here, just truths.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 26th, 2012
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